What Do Hailee Steinfeld, New Coke, The Princess Bride, and Downton Abbey Have In Common?

Just this newsletter issue, probably. But that's enough!

Mazel tov to the other celebrity and football star couple: Hailee Steinfeld and Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen tied the knot this weekend. And on my wedding anniversary! I’ll never forget to send them a gift. (I had just been thinking that it had been a while since we had a big celebrity wedding.) As of my typing, it doesn’t seem that Vogue (or anyone) has an exclusive on this¹, so it appears that Steinfeld and Allen kept their wedding as out of the public eye as they have their general relationship. Not that their romance was a secret, or anything — they both posted about their engagement on their Instagrams — but simply that these two kept the whole thing more under the radar than Swift and Kelce have, although their original subtlety may in part have been driven by Internet rumors that the timing of Josh and Hailee hooking up is murky as regards his previous longtime girlfriend. (Also, this is not a ding on Taylor. As one of the most famous people alive currently, it follows that her relationship with another very famous and successful person would get tons of press.) While the lack of official details about the Jailee (Hosh? Jeinfeld?) Nuptials is admirable and probably a relief to them, it luckily also does not mean that we can’t cobble together coverage of the festivities. Watch — with my luck, Hailee will release a tell-all interview at 4 a.m. and beat me to the punch here. And yet I press on!

Previously in celebrity weddings: Sofia Richie and that dude, the non-Jughead Sprouse and Barbara Palvin, Anya T-J and her guy, Lady Mary at Slut’s Hole, Margaret Qualley and Jack Antonoff, and Christina Hendricks and some man.

The Bride: Oscar nominee Hailee Steinfeld, currently riding high on the success of Sinners. If you, like I, have Steinfeld mentally clocked at about seventeen years old, I am pleased to note that she is actually 28 and this is not some kind of child-bride situation.

The Groom: 29 year-old Josh Allen, quarterback for the Buffalo Bills and reigning NFL MVP. (“In a bit of a shocker over Lamar Jackson,” said my husband, who also noted that Allen is, in his opinion, one of the top three quarterbacks in the league, along with Patrick Mahomes and the aforementioned Jackson. Jim writes the NFL newsletter for USA Today, which is why I asked him for comment while he was minding his own business making a salad.)

The Gown(s): As of this writing, I don’t have a credit for it — and given the lack of intel about this wedding, possibly won’t ever — but it’s a very classic-looking strapless column gown and Steinfeld looks great in it. She is not going to look back at these photos and wonder, “Jeez, what was I thinking?” It looks from these photos at the Daily Maily (I Know) that she skipped a bouquet and carried one single (large) flower. As a sidebar, at the moment, the DMIK spelled “Hailee” multiple ways within the very same paragraph, which is on-brand for them.

Her wedding rehearsal look was leaked by DeuxMoi and it’s honestly really cute and they look absolutely blissful. Ah, young love!

The Location: Brides reports the happy occasion was hosted at the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California. This property is GORGEOUS and their weddings are stunning/extremely expensive. (They can afford it.) This is my personal dream wedding location. Fun fact: It is also where Goop and Coldplay eloped.

The Ceremony: Who knows?!? It was a wedding! Presumably they both said the words “I do” at some point and rings were exchanged! It happened on a lawn decorated with white roses and some truly terrific topiary, and there was a tent! A white man with dark hair appeared to officiate, judging from photos! I assume the whole thing was legal!

The Guests: Our friends at Brides once again have the scoop here:

While the official guest list for the event has yet to be confirmed, we do know that at least a few famous stars were in attendance, including Larry David. The comedian was spotted carrying a parasol on the way to the ceremony. Additionally, as expected, some attendees were Allen's Buffalo Bills teammates, including Dawson Knox, Spencer Brown, Mitch Trubisky, and Shane Buechele. It also appears that the organization's head coach, Sean McDermott, was at the fête.

Bills fansite Buffalo Rumblings — in a piece calling the bride and groom “King & Queen of Buffalo” — further notes that current and former Bills players Dion Dawkins, Khalil Shakir, Gabe Davis, and Bills offensive coordinator Joe Brady were also in attendance. (Dawkins famously leaked the wedding date earlier this year and then later was like, “Um, or not, I don’t know when it is!!!” He also joked that his gift to the happy couple was preventing Allen from getting sacked too often, which actually is a gift.) No word on Sinners’s Michael B. Jordan.

Everyone online was, of course, very curious about Larry David’s presence; apparently, per People, Hailee’s dad is Larry’s personal trainer. I quite literally never would have guessed this, as I’ve never spent a single second thinking about what Hailee’s parents do for a living², and this fact is low-key delightful to me. They must be quite tight for Larry to score a wedding invite, and to actually attend — although a wedding weekend in Santa Barbara at the end of May is a fairly pleasant lift. Per the paparazzi snaps, everyone wore black, so that must have been the dress code.

I guess he made an exception.

The Party: As of Monday afternoon, no one has slipped up and posted ANYTHING about this or sold any intel or even accidentally blabbed about anything — which is, frankly, very impressive. Good on all of you! This is a gift as much as something off the registry. Or preventing a sack.

– Jessica

---

HOW DID I MISS THIS DURING COVID???

Recently, the Fauxmoi subreddit celebrated the fifth birthday of some pandemic content that apparently raised money for World Central Kitchen: a shortened remake of The Princess Bride starring a rotating cast of celebs doing tiny snippets of it from their houses. For the full list of who participated, done in the style of a credits sequence, you can look here. Or just watch and clap:

It’s such a time capsule. Common and Tiffany Haddish were, I believe, dating at this time, as were Chris Pine and Annabelle Wallis, so they’re in scenes together. Nick Kroll takes a swing at Vizzini. Fred Savage briefly cameos as himself before being recast with, among others, Josh Gad. Rob Reiner is in there. Hugh Jackman in a robe is our first Humperdinck. It’s a lovely little snack.

Now, there may be a very good reason I missed this, one that has nothing to do with fear and ennui and Zoom game nights and Googling about whether we still had to wash our groceries. Apparently these originally appeared on Quibi in June and July of 2020 (which explains why every few minutes you will see the main titles again; they’re Quibis, smooshed together). Had you forgotten Quibi? You are not alone. Quibi barely existed. Quibi was a fever dream. — an ill-fated Jeffrey Katzenberg app that made shows people could watch in quick bites. Think three-minute episodes, designed to be seen on phones, oriented whichever way pleased you (spoiler: none of it pleased anyone). It launched in April 2020 and crashed in December. It never even knew about the vaccines. And it went from a $1.75 billion purse to selling itself for parts to the Roku Channel for $100 million. That is five percent of its former value and one hell of a clearance sale, even if Home Movie: The Princess Bride was the only thing on there worth a dime.

Fundamentally the stupidest thing about Quibi was the notion that people needed specialized content to watch on their phones while, say, they commuted on the subway, or waited in a doctor’s office. Because we could already stream existing shows that way, through services we already paid for, and which didn’t come only in ten-minute installments. For that amount of capital…. It’s just so galling to think of the state of the entertainment industry now — how few jobs there are, how broke everyone insists they are — and how just a few years ago the studios had that much money to pour into a whim. Katzenberg blamed Quibi’s failure on Covid for being too disruptive to people’s daily routines, but my dude, if you failed at launching an entertainment service at a time when we were literally confined to our houses and NEEDED all the entertainment we could get, that’s on you.

I’m trying to think of other product launches that failed so hard, and so expensively. There was the Apple Newton, basically an early Palm Pilot, iPad, and Kindle rolled into one product in 1993. But even a $100 million investment — or was it $500 million? No one’s sure — couldn’t get people to buy it because it was big, bulky, buggy, and a budget-breaker. This thing cost $900. Right idea, wrong time. Coca-Cola only spent $4 million and a marketing budget of $30 million on New Coke, which is chump change compared to Quibi; that’s $89 million in today’s money, which is STILL less than Quibi’s buyout price. New Coke only lasted three months and spawned widespread protests and angry letters and saw people dumping bottles of it into the streets. People who liked New Coke claimed they felt peer pressure to lie! Bill Cosby, the spokesman for Coca-Cola before the change, claimed it damaged his credibility! (JUST YOU WAIT, BILL.) Pepsi was accused of planting ringers in the New Coke press conferences! There are conspiracy theories that the whole thing was drummed up to hide changes to the classic formula they were going to make anyway, and which they assumed now no one would notice! What a time to be alive. And, I was, but I have no memory of which one I liked better. I can tell you that I did NOT like Crystal Pepsi, which similarly flopped, but with some juicy sabotage: Coca-Cola released a product called TAB Clear that they used as a sacrificial lamb, marketing it in a way that would position it as the direct competitor and intentionally confuse people about what Crystal Pepsi even really was, therefore killing both beverages. Who knew the Soda Wars had so much intrigue and liquid carnage?!?

I’m sure there are others — the vegetarian McDonald’s burgers, ooh, or the Arch Deluxe, which was supposed to be their sandwich for grownups because it had dijonnaise and actual large pieces of lettuce. I rather liked the Arch Deluxe, and was bummed when they spiked it. Which expensive failures do you remember, and which ones do you miss?

— Heather

---

They Keep Saying This Is the Final Downton Movie, But….

Remember how Matthew Weiner irrationally hated having to put together “Next On”s for Mad Men, and therefore the teaser for the next week’s episode was always absolutely meaningless? Like, Peggy would silently open a door. Don would tersely say, “Thank you,” into a phone, and Roger would pour a drink. Pete Campbell would look out a window. Next week, on Mad Men! Anyway, that’s kind of the vibe of the newest Downton trailer:

People are walking into buildings! Going to parties! And looking at each other! This teaser kind of implies that the family is moving out of Downton, but for all we know, Lord G is just emotional because the building is being pressure-washed. I jest, of course, because I love — I am nothing if not the target audience for this film — but I also look forward to seeing a trailer where perhaps Lady Mary gets to speak. Maybe she can tell us where Matthew Goode is.

— Jessica

---

ICYMI…

The new season of And Just Like That started last week, and our first recap went out yesterday:

Also! The Tony Awards — arguably the best awards show — are this upcoming Sunday, and we will, as always, be hosting a live chat during the telecast for paid subscribers. And! The Gilded Age comes back June 22. Now is the time to join us! (And you can be accordingly smug about how you’re supporting independent writers! Win-win!) A subscription is $5 a month, or discounted at $50 a year, but getting to bitch about Carrie Bradshaw with fellow Broads is priceless.

---

Last Call

— This is a great piece on

The Souvenirist

about, well, souvenirs: What Did You Bring Me? (No surprise to anyone who has read all my writing about gift shops that I am pro-souvenir. NOTHING delighted me more as a child than someone bringing me back something from their trip.) — J

— Speaking of celeb weddings, gossipers have circled back to the Peltz/Beckham one in the wake of their alleged fight with Posh and Becks. People has even gotten into it, running some less than flattering stories about Victoria. Given People’s general habit of staying on good terms with A-listers unless they have very solid sourcing about any gossip, I have to think there is some fire around all this smoke. Allegedly, at the reception, Marc Anthony introduced Victoria as “the most beautiful woman at the wedding,” and Posh may have inserted herself into the first dance. People also says Victoria ghosted Nicola after promising to make her wedding gown. They include quotes in each piece from sources that (anemically) refute these allegations — and it’s certainly possible that Marc is just really bad at comedy — but I did raise a brow to see them wading into this on the Brooklyn side of the stream. (Having said all that, People used to be VERY BITCHY. Maybe they’re considering a return to their roots?) — J

— I just need to tell someone this: I JUST SAW AN AD FOR CHRISTMAS GIFTS?!?!?!? IT IS JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Specifically, it was an ad for a fancy oven thermometer and it ran during the pre-show of yesterday’s Brewers game. Maybe someone just hit the wrong button?!!!! IT’S JUNE. I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS YET!!!!!) - J

— We had a fun chat at Go Fug Yourself yesterday where folks shared what they’re looking forward to this upcoming summer; the comments are really fun.

1. Vogue does, however, have the exclusive on Demi Lovato’s wedding to Jordan Lutes, which happened while I was out of town, and Demi looks great in Vivienne Westwood if you have a spare moment.

2. Or about how Larry David gets his bod -H