The Bests, Worsts, Mosts, and Leasts of the 2024 VMAs
The Bests, Worsts, Mosts, and Leasts of the 2024 VMAs
Why is this show so LONG?
We said this last year. And we will probably also say it next year. And we are definitely saying it now: It is WILD that the VMAs are on tape-delay for the West Coast. We realize this is a niche problem, but the industry this show celebrates is mostly based in Los Angeles, and so is a decent chunk of the media that writes about it. Maybe the metrics back up this choice, but SURELY most people on the left side of the country -- even some who have to watch for work -- took one look at the listings and rolled their eyes and said, “Forget it,” and instead consumed the highlights on social media without commercials. It’s nutty to subtract even a faint chance they’d consume it live, doubly nutty to do that on a school night, and TRIPLY so at a time when MTV is already swimming upstream in its fight for relevance and should be desperate to get both the young eyeballs AND the nostalgic old folks excited.
Is MTV so insecure about attendance that it felt the need to piggyback on people already being in New York for Fashion Week? (If so... didn’t work.) If its primary concern is avoiding a programming conflict with football, MTV easily could have marked this event down for a Sunday night in late August -- and if they wanted to guarantee a Swift sighting, Tay wrapped at Wembley mid-month, so she was available well before the Chiefs’ season opener. Besides which, MTV immediately re-airs the show like five times in a row, so why not add one more airing IN THE ACTUAL LIVE TIME SLOT? WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY, DAMMIT. At the very least, instead of assuring us via its own “TV Guide” that it was wholly live, MTV should be responsible enough to note that this is A LIE for anyone west of the Rockies. The very very very little trust we had in MTV is irreparably broken! What will they do???!??
Fortunately, we did NOT roll our eyes and skip last night’s VMAs -- or, well, we did the former, but not the latter. For the fashion rundown, pop by our other home, Go Fug Yourself, where we’ll be covering it all day — from Megan Thee Stallion to Chappell to Taylor to three Madonna tributes — and for the rest of what you did or did not miss, we present our superlatives:
MOST SURPRISING ACCESSORY: We knew to expect something unusual from Chappell Roan, but we did NOT anticipate that she’d bring a sword, a man dressed as a knight, and a throw rug.1 Which she stood on for photos. Hopefully no one will urinate on it, because, as with The Dude before her, it DID tie it all together.
It also warmed up the vibe of the MTV step-and-repeat, which was otherwise very cold and dark. Maybe more people should do this, actually. Bring a houseplant to the Emmys, someone! Take a nice armchair to the Oscars! But leave the sword behind; not everyone can be trusted. OBVIOUSLY LOOKING AT YOU, ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE JUNE SQUIBB.
BIGGEST BETRAYAL FROM AN ACCESSORY: Dora Jar (love the pun) brought an umbrella as part of her look, and proceeded to pose very dramatically with it on the red carpet -- and, in the process, almost fell over twice, and once accidentally hit herself in the face. This was highly relatable, and also exactly why we would warn folks to be very thoughtful about their red carpet props. For example: You aren’t gonna clock yourself in the face with an allegedly 600-year-old rug. Score one more win for Chappell.
BIGGEST SNACK: There was a man on the black carpet dressed as a Dorito — basically a dude who poked his head through what looked like a giant triangular crash pad — and credited as “Chippy.” It is VERY DIFFICULT to Google “Chippy” without getting... you know, chips. We thought he was a TikToker (who knows what the kids are doing over there) and then we figured it out: Chippy literally is a Dorito. He’s, like, the new Dorito mascot or something. Anyway, the point is that now we want chips, so congrats to the Doritos marketing folks.
WEIRDEST CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP: In fact, in addition to sending Chippy to the event (and hopefully paying him handsomely for it), Doritos sprung for an Extended Play Stage where various artists crooned us in and out of commercials. “FOR THE BOLD,” is their new slogan, which... we... guess... could sort of... apply? We do believe in chips at any and all occasions, and Doritos DO sound like the ideal snack for sacking out on the couch staring blankly at the TV for three hours, wondering who everyone is and whether they’re from the TikTok and when we got old. Actually, never mind, this was a perfect marriage, forget we said anything.
BIGGEST ANTICLIMAX: Taylor Swift loves to drop surprises in big places — at the Grammys, she announced Tortured Poets Department, which was only seven months ago but feels like two years — but last night, all we got was her officially calling Mr. Kelce “my boyfriend Travis.” It came during a very sweet anecdote about him supporting her directing the “Fortnight2” music video, in which she said he makes everything extremely light-hearted and fun and magical. We GUESS that’s nice!!!!!! And she did also encourage people to register and/or vote (and Tuesday night endorsed the candidate who does not hate women and isn’t claiming immigrants are eating your pets), and we were not expecting that plea, so maybe this too is actually a moo3 point. We’re on a roll here.
BEST PERSON FROM WHOM TO GET A RECOMMENDATION FOR A FINANCIAL ADVISOR: Flavor Flav sponsored the Olympic water polo team, offered to pay an athlete’s rent so she could compete, and then tonight, co-presented with Jordan Chiles and gave her a custom clock and the $15,000 prize money she would have won if she’d gotten to keep her Olympic bronze. Either he’s proof positive that people don’t only do reality shows like Flavor of Love because they are in dire financial straits, OR he took that cash and invested it hella wisely. Or both! If we’ve learned anything from this era, it’s that Flav appreciates ALL the things women bring to the table, even if they’re not at said table on a date.
MOST REPETITIVE BUT OCCASIONALLY EFFECTIVE GIMMICK: Once again, MTV’s audience cam -- viewable on its YouTube channel, which is how we watched the show when it wasn’t airing live in Los Angeles -- spent enough time on Taylor Swift that they chyron’d it, “Audience Cam (Taylor’s Version).” Once again, this level of attention must be exhausting for her, and once again, she handled it gracefully and danced and sang and hugged people and took selfies with them. When she wasn’t on-camera, it was mostly on-air personalities obnoxiously narrating crowd shots, but occasionally this provided fun people-watching. We got to see Jack Antonoff standing stock-still with wife Margaret Qualley wrapping both arms around him, staring at the stage or behind them at the audience while everyone else boogied to Katy Perry. We saw Qualley fixing what appeared to be an eyelash issue for Suki Waterhouse, and then Antonoff taking a sip of whatever Qualley had in her coffee to-go cup and then wincing and sticking out his tongue in a “blech” face. (MTV might need better mixologists.) Sometimes, you’d see the background performers celebrating after coming offstage. Also, interestingly, they ended up using Taylor’s seat as a landing spot for other winners -- for example, after Katy’s set, Tay disappeared and Sabrina Carpenter slid in, and won a trophy shortly thereafter; this seemed to happen at least one more time before Taylor came back, and what do you know, she won again. Maybe MTV is giving away too many of its tricks here.
BEST SPEECH: We’ve seen scrawls on napkins, notecards, stuff on iPhones that don’t unlock in a timely fashion, Teleprompters, and even improv (we appreciate Katy Perry for being happy she nailed entire performance “on the first day of [her] period,” even if it was also more honesty than we needed). But we hadn’t seen anyone whip out their actual diary until Chappell Roan won Best New Artist and read the speech she’d penned in there. This should be GREAT for notebook sales. Stock up on your Moleskins.
WEIRDEST CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP ACCIDENT: This is not the fault of UBS, the bank whose name bedecks the arena in which the VMAs took place. But unfortunately, one of us kept misreading it in passing as IBS Arena. This show is rough enough without bringing angry bowels into it.
HOTTEST COUPLE: Sabrina Carpenter danced with a bunch of astronauts like the For All Mankind superfan we assume she is, and then promptly made out with a blue alien. (The truth IS out there. Fox Mulder was just ahead of his time!) Sorry, Barry Keoghan, you just can’t compete with that E.T. espresso. ZING.
BEST THINGS WE CAN SAY ABOUT KATY PERRY’S PERFORMANCE: Lots, actually! This woman has a whole catalog FULL of bangers, and she delivered chunks of most of them, at times even while aloft and/or wearing inflatable wings. It looked like an amazing feel-good dance party. And she sang all of them live, which is more than most people did -- she let it be raw and a little messy and breathy and real, which is what makes live music so much fun.
WORST THING ABOUT KATY PERRY’S PERFORMANCE: Unfortunately, her new stuff is banal, and there’s no hiding it. You can’t bury it between the hits, because that just makes the classics look even better and the upcoming singles sound even worse. “Lifetimes,” which she closed with, was... fine. Forgettable, but workable. However, “I’m His, He’s Mine,” was lousy. She burned a LOT of cred to work with Dr. Luke on some of this album, and for that reason it’s only fitting that it might be her flop era.
WORST PERFORMANCE, FULL STOP: First, the aforementioned Doritos Extended Play Stage is a nice idea, and Teddy Swims’s portion of it was fantastic. (He should cover “Stay” by Rihanna in an official way, if he hasn’t already. What a voice.) But “extended” did indeed do little but streeeeeeetch this neverending evening, and it got worse when Jessie Murph -- in a slightly deflated Amy Winehouse bouffant and a squeaky take on Amy’s vocal style -- took her turn and, ironically, loudly murdered songs including “Killing Me Softly.” We are so sorry to rain on her parade, but all of that needed to be cut. Be RUTHLESS, MTV.
BIGGEST DRUM WE CANNOT STOP BANGING: This show is TOO LONG. Okay, so it’s a standard-issue three-ish hours. But it feels about seven hours long. This thing should be snappy! It should move! No one has this kind of attention span any more! You know what awards show really speeds, and also has a ton of performances? The Tonys. Someone call the people who do the Tonys!
MOST SERIOUS QUESTION: Sorry that we keep bringing up Katy Perry, but seriously, so much of the REST of the show felt like filler. Anyway, was Orlando Bloom consistently referring to Katy Perry as “Katheryn Hudson” because he knows and loves the real her and wants to make sure we all know it... or because Katy Perry is going to go back to her legal, birth name after that whole Katie Perry lawsuit and they want to ease us all in? THINK ABOUT IT. (We don’t actually think this is happening. But if it does, we’re gonna be so smug.)
MOST HONEST MOMENT: At one point, they sent host Megan Thee Stallion out in a Britney-esque outfit with an actual snake wrapped around her arms. She made it about five seconds into the bit before she was like, “NOPE,” and made them take off the snake, saying, “I don’t know this snake; this snake don’t know me.”
Truly, she made it 4.9 seconds longer than we would have.
BEST ICON-IN-THE-MAKING: The VMAs are celebrating their 40th anniversary this year -- yes, we’re old!! -- and aired a lot of clips of iconic moments from years past, like actual Britney and the snake, and Madonna writhing around performing “Like a Virgin.” Chappell Roan, in her VMAs debut, chipped in a great potential future piece to the Hall of fame. For her first televised performance ever, at least that we’re aware of, she came out in armor and surrounded a cast of knights, turned around and brandished a crossbow, and shot at a castle gate that promptly lit on fire. She then presided over a group swordfight that ended with her the only one still “alive” on-stage. “Good Luck, Babe!” is a high-energy bop already, but the stage theatrics were the closest thing to Eurovision we’ve gotten at one of these in a long while and we are EXTREMELY ready for more from her. You’re up, Grammys.
BIGGEST TACTICAL ERROR: Though it was fun to revisit the show’s past heights, this also reinforced how much this event has fallen in terms of cultural relevance. Other than Chappell Roan, the show isn’t creating water cooler moments the way it used to, and it also doesn’t have the same sense of humor about itself. Without either of those, is it any wonder most celebs seem not to bother anymore unless they’re singing or winning? And it is really wise to make your audience think WHILE watching, “Remember when this show was really the shit? Because it’s not today.”
The Emmys — and their live chat — are on Sunday
If it feels like we just did this, it’s because we sort of did: The 2023 Emmys actually happened in January 2024 because of the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. It was only a few months delayed, yet it feels like they were yesterday. As ever, we’ll be hosting an open thread, so come on by and let’s yell about whether or not Jamie Lee Curtis’s performance in The Bear is technically comic or what. (Spoiler: She already won for it!) (What if Only Murders in the Building upsets it in Best Comedy, though?! Dare we dream?)
Open threads are a perk for our paid-tier subscribers, so if you want to treat yourself, you know what to do:
Democracy With Broads
If you are a paid subscriber, (a) thank you!!, and (b) please forgive the following repetition, as you saw this news last week (along with our take on the summer bestsellers of the 1950s, the awfulness of that finale of The Bachelorette, and the wildest looks of Selling Sunset season seven).
The States Project is an organization founded on the idea that presidential candidates will do just fine with fundraising no matter what, but smaller legislature races in swing states, and/or states that might be effectively putting issues like abortion on their ballots, really need our financial help and are also vitally important — and your money will go further there. (All donated proceeds go to races the States Project have identified as likely to benefit from the help in a given region.) After we featured Sarah Jessica Parker’s States Project bag on GFY, the group approached us to start our own giving circle.
And Democracy With Broads was born! Some giving circles really focus on one state, but we set a wide target. We originally didn’t set a donation goal because we don’t want to put any pressure on anyone to do more than they comfortably can, or want to, but have since been advised by The States Project that it’s more effective to have something to work toward, so we set it at $10,000 — we’re almost halfway there already! It feels good to set something up that might contribute, even in a small way, to electing a stable of strong up-and-coming candidates who care about the health of the country and the people who live in it. ALL the people.
If you like this idea but would prefer to donate to something MORE targeted than our set-up, check out Sarah Jessica Parker’s group (which she runs with J. Smith Cameron!), or the one from Forever 35, or… well, here’s a list of a bunch of other giving circles. Check them out if you feel so inclined, or donate to the Democracy With Broads giving circle here!
Last Call
— Lifetime is resurrecting All My Children for TWO movies currently in development! And CBS greenlit a new daytime soap called The Gates! Is EVERYTHING IS COMING UP SOAPS????? Get a script to Susan Lucci, STAT. It’s called a NAP, Susan Lucci!!!! (The rule is that if she’s mentioned, I have to say that, although I can substitute, “Oh, COME ON, Susan Lucci,” and when I have news, I do frequently announce to Jessica that I’ve used most of our cellular data. Those ads live forever in my heart. PLEASE cast that man in the movies.) — H
— Big news for Bridgerton fans! We thought Netflix had already confirmed Yerin Ha as the love interest for season four’s lead, Benedict, but per Vanity Fair that is now OFFICIAL-official and they are giving Sophie a Korean surname — Baek — to match Yerin’s own heritage. If only we didn’t have to wait a million years to meet her! — J
She claims it is 600 years old but this seems unlikely to us.
I almost spelled it “Fortnite,” like the video game. I WISH she’d done something with Fortnite. TAYLOR. PUT ALL THE ERAS IN FORTNITE. — H
Shout out to Joey Tribbiani
Chappell Roan's whole album is full of bangers and I can't wait to see what else she does.
I didn't watch this because I have no obligation to write about it, and am over the age of 15, but I feel like MTV itself isn't really relevant anymore, unless you want to watch former Teen Moms or 40 year olds vacation at the Jersey Shore together and act like 12 year olds. (I hated both of those shows when they first aired, and am stubborn and refuse to change my mind about them. I am a reality TV curmudgeon.)
I don't know if it counts as a televised performance, but Chappell has performed on talk shows - Tonight Show and the Late Show...