We Welcome Our Algorithm Overloads

Also, whoa, those Anne Hathaway Versace ads are really bad!

Listen, I am aware that Apple claims our phones aren’t actively eavesdropping on everything we do, but we all know this is a lie. Five minutes after I told my fiance that I thought Morty — our dog — seemed itchier than usual, I opened Instagram and it tried to sell me several different supplements for itchy dogs. Although this was creepy, it was also very helpful: I bought one. (Now Instagram is trying to sell me other itchy dog supplements, like, calm down, guys. This first one hasn’t even arrived yet.) In fact, this was so helpful that I started yelling in the vicinity of my phone about other products I need — notably, I have a weird itchy patch of my own on the back of my knee¹ and I’d love to be introduced to some random company that’s trying to take down Big Aveeno. So far, no dice. 

Other than that, though, the algorithm knows everything that is happening to me. I’m getting married this year and it’s very interested in selling me bridal shapewear. (This is exactly like regular sha…