Let's Rank the Bridget Jones Movies

And go shopping in Gatorland.

The Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy release got a bit lost amid fashion week and the Super Bowl, Saturday Night Live’s 100 hours of celebratory content, and the current Star-Spangled Dumpster Fire — oh, and the fact that it’s a Peacock exclusive, meaning you can’t watch it in the U.S. unless you subscribe. In theaters overseas, Bridget IV made $35.5 million; I get that driving people to its streamer (so they’ll stick around for The Traitors) is important to Universal, but at the same time, why give up on a theatrical release? Especially when your main box office competition is a reportedly godawful Captain America sequel and Paddington in Peru, which I thought had come out weeks ago, has no word of mouth, and mustered only $16 million. Thanks so much for quitting on your female-focused content, Universal!!!!

The fourth installment in Bridget’s life story is based on a 2013 Helen Fielding book, unlike the third, Bridget Jones’s Baby. I suppose continuing the story is a bit of a risk when you consider how protective people can be of Bridget and her Mr. Darcy, and that the book itself was not particularly popular. But that third movie made $212 million against a budget of only $35 million, which suggests the appetite for Bridget’s shenanigans is still there. Then again, the theatrical world was different before Covid, and inflation, and the current quad-demic, and do I really need to cry in public at the sight of Colin Firth’s face right now?!? Still, I did curl up on Saturday afternoon and watch what I assume is the conclusion to the Bridget Jones Cinematic Universe. Here’s how I’d rank them all.

4. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. This 2004 sequel to the original is so horrifying that I only was able to sit through it beginning-to-end when I decided to write this piece. The film makes all the lazy decisions that any bad sequel makes: It takes the scenes people may have enjoyed in the first movie and grafts them onto slightly different circumstances. Reindeer jumper at the turkey curry buffet? Check. Embarrassing on-camera work snafus? Check. Awkward speech in front of people who shouldn’t be hearing it? Going ‘round the table at drinks with her friends? Dinner with smug marrieds? The giant knickers? Daniel Cleaver and Mark Darcy coming to inept fisticuffs? Check, check, check, infinite checks. And then add the part where Bridget ends up in a Thai prison (!) and teaches the native inmates to sing and dance to “Like a Virgin” (!!!!!), and the fact that they set the movie only a few weeks after the end of the first one AND YET it includes both a breakup AND Bridget and Mark getting engaged?!? Why not set it a few years afterward, so that stuff had time to happen off-camera? How about NOT having Bridget swan into JAIL IN THAILAND and teach prisoners happiness via Madonna? In what world is it believable that Daniel Cleaver, heretofore an anonymous but hot publishing executive, in a matter of weeks became the star of his own travel show on Bridget’s channel? Influencers didn’t even EXIST yet in those olden times, kids! This movie is terrible. Even the series itself essentially erases it from existence. Please let’s all pretend it didn’t happen.

3. Bridget Jones's Baby. In this movie, we learn Bridget and Mark never made it to the altar, and he married someone else, for Reasons. Those reasons, also possibly at the very edge of reason, are wanting to put her in another love triangle muddle so that she has something to do for two hours. This cardinal sin of sequels is something we desperately wanted to avoid when writing The Heir Affair: Don’t split up the central romance for the sole purpose of getting paid to put them back together (see also: Sex and the City 2, and as noted, Bridget Jones: 2 Fast 2 Furious). Mark Darcy is clearly still in love with Bridget, nobody wants to see either of these people with anyone else as long as they live and breathe (ahem), and Bridget is never going to pick Patrick Dempsey over Darcy because Patrick Dempsey is who you cast when you need a handsome, kind, rich love interest who will make it easy on the heroine by reacting kindly when dumped for the person she TRULY loved all along (see also: Sweet Home Alabama). The movie itself isn't as terrible as it could be, but it loses massive points for Bridget trying to string along both potential baby daddies without telling them about each other, or even doing any kind of DNA test wherein she steals their hair and has Dr. Emma Thompson do the science on the sly. She didn't want to let either of them down, but... my dear, there is an expiration date on that plan, and that date is the day BEFORE you thought of it. The scenes where Bridget tries to juggle them are excruciating to watch and degrading to her character. How frustrating when your lead finally KIND OF gets some semblance of her act together, but then acts like a daytime soap heroine when it counts. I accept this behavior on Passions, because it also has witches and talking candles, but not from Bridget Jones.

2. Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy (I will try to avoid spoilers, but our opinion on what a spoiler is may differ, so tread carefully!). Straight-up: If you're not ready for a movie that deals with grief in any capacity, then this is not for you right now. Mark is four years gone -- blown up by a landmine in the Sudan -- and Bridget and her kids are getting by, but still grappling with the echoes of him. The good news is, our girl is doing it in a way that's more fully mature than she's ever been. My fear was that the film would lean into Bridget-related buffoonery in a way that made her a lousy parent, or a professional joke once again, but it's quite the opposite. She's a great mom, a sought-after producer, and she demonstrates a lot more sociopolitical savvy than the girl who trained herself to say “Chechnya” to her mirror; it's just that she doesn’t know how to fill the Darcy-shaped void in her kids’ lives — never mind in her own — without suppressing and repressing the rest of herself. Reopening her diary, even with her tongue slightly in her cheek about it, works as a reawakening of her self -- and of course then the sexual dominos fall. Renée Zellweger, as she's gotten older, has turned Bridget's free-flowing energy and joy and awkwardness into something tighter and twitcher. At times that reads like Bridget has simply grown up, but mostly, it feels like Renée is banking on muscle memory that isn't there anymore. But we can get past it because of how far Bridget really has come, and there's a surprising warmth and wisdom to how it all unfolds. Shockingly, some of that is due to Bridget's relationship with Daniel Cleaver, who is now Uncle Daniel to her kids. She is his emergency contact, and he is the funcle who'll babysit the kids, teach them to mix cocktails, tell them bawdy stories, but also listen to their feelings because they feel safe talking to him. I have a LOT of timeline questions -- for example, if this is a long-standing thing, as it comes across, how on EARTH did he wheedle his way into Mark Darcy's life in any capacity? Well, whatever peyote Daniel and Mark had to do in order to bring them to THIS place was worth it. Whether or not it makes sense, or whether ANY of the things Daniel fondly remembers of Bridget actually happened (I cannot think of a single time when "sodomy at Sainsburys" could or would have taken place), I applaud the movie for resisting any temptation to create, well, temptation. These two are done banging. They love and value each other non-sexually, underscored by the delightful way Daniel introduces Bridget to someone at the end of the movie, and between that and its celebration of the concept of a big, affectionate, raucous chosen family, it makes for a superb grace note on which to leave them.

Also, Chiwetel Ejiofor is a beautiful man with a voice I could listen to for hours, and Leo Woodall is hot like fire. You'll especially enjoy his tribute to Colin Firth's other Mr. Darcy, and yes, it involves water and a shirt. Fortunately, the shirt doesn't last long.

1. Bridget Jones’s Diary. Confession: I thought the book was only okay, and never bothered with any of the others, but something about the original movie is infinitely watchable to me. It's one of my comfort flicks -- the film equivalent of your favorite sweatpants for when you just want to sack out on the couch and chill. Of course, like so many things we all loved back in 2001 and before, this movie is not perfect and parts of it have aged like milk. Don't call Perpetua a "fat asshole bag," even in your head, Bridge! And "such a cruel race" is NOT OKAY, Pam! The obsession with weight is reductive and uncomfortable, but at the same time, it's pretty honest. Every one of us knows we shouldn't savage ourselves like that, and yet everyone of us has done it to ourselves at one time or another. I had an uncharitable thought about my butt just the other day, because sometimes, that's just what putting on pants elicits in me. Am I proud of it? No! But it's real and it happens, and we forgive ourselves and move on; we relate to Bridget, we love that she puts on the tiny knickers and tight dress and bunny costume with confidence and maybe even envy her for it, and we rail at the bitchy naked American who yawns, "I thought you said she was thin." She IS, you evil wench! But also, what if she isn’t! It doesn’t matter! And also, leave her alone! Oh, and, Bridget, you and your boss should not be using work emails to make "love your tits in that top" jokes! This is an HR disaster waiting to happen!

But as older movies go, it could be way, way worse (the otherwise brilliant Soapdish is always my go-to cringe for this). And the first and best Bridget Jones installment is one I used to keep permanently saved on my TiVo, back in the Jurassic era of physical DVRs that made cute noises when you fast-forwarded¹. It was ideal for days or nights when I needed one-eye (and one-ear) background noise to keep me company during work. Jessica and I definitely threw it on several times, both together and separately-but-concurrently, when were were up late scribbling away about the Oscars, or a royal wedding -- and I often still seek it on streaming for the same purpose. Renée is so charming in it, Colin Firth is a dream and delivers one of the best movie-ending kisses ever, and I think this was the first time the world discovered that Hugh Grant is at his best when you let him be a vain, twinkly cad. Add in Jim Broadbent and Gemma Jones as Bridget’s parents, and her messy pals who will gladly choke down blue soup with her on her birthday, and it's a movie that -- like its heroine -- you simply can't help loving just as it is.

— Heather

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Fire Up the Recap Reminder Klaxon

Just a heads-up that our inaugural recaps of this season of White Lotus kick off this week! Paid subscribers will get the first one tomorrow, and we have much to discuss — namely, isn’t White Lotus’s VP of PR getting stressed given all the murders that keep happening? This can’t be good for the brand! (And some other big developments that I won’t mention in case you haven’t watched Sunday’s episode.) It’s going to be fun. And another Severance installment is coming your way shortly. SO MUCH to discuss.

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Enter Through the Gift Shop: Later, Gator

It’s been a surprisingly long time since we Entered Through the Gift Shop, a feature of this newsletter wherein we deep-dive into the assorted wares of various museum gift shops and emerge with their most delightful (or weird) (or both) offerings. Most recently, we toodled over to Las Vegas’s Atomic Testing Museum; before that, we took in the gift shops of The SPAM museum! The American Visionary Art Museum! The National Mustard Museum! Amsterdam’s Cat Cabinet! Milwaukee’s National Bobblehead Museum! And several others! Today, we’re moseying down to Orlando, Florida to visit Gatorland. Now, is Gatorland legally a museum? Personally, I think anything can be a museum if you think about it hard enough, but it is technically, per its Wiki, a “theme park and wildlife preserve,” and it is thanks to the words “wildlife preserve” that I can make my argument for its inclusion here. What is a wildlife preserve if not a museum of living animals? Exactly.

Anyway, also, I’m never going to turn down the gift shop of a place called Gatorland — a name which seems like it should take an exclamation point. Wiki tells me:

Billed as the "Alligator Capital of the World," Gatorland features thousands of alligators (including rare leucistic alligators) and crocodiles, and many other animals. Attractions in the park include a breeding marsh with a boardwalk and observation tower, zip lines, an off-road swamp vehicle tour, a ridable miniature railroad, alligator feeding shows, alligator wrestling shows, an aviary, a petting zoo, and educational programs. The breeding marsh area of the park was used in the filming of the 1984 movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

I’m scared of three-quarters of those things, but here we are! Gatorland’s own extensive Historical Timeline page (which is a wild read, to be frank, but you will be relieved to learn that the venue eventually seemingly transitioned from, like, insane alligator wrestling to a more humane and preservation-minded situation, including a lot of Emergency Alligator Rescue duties and providing homes for “troubled” crocodiles) stressed the majesty of its gift shop complex, which burned down in the early aughts and was apparently recreated at great expense. To be honest, this entire undertaking seems wacky, but wacky is what I’m here for and nothing is a bigger slice of Americana than a place where you can zipline over possibly deranged crocodiles, then buy some commemorative mugs. Reddit assures me Gatorland is both “fun” and “very Florida,” Yelp called it “surprisingly charming,” and folks at TripAdvisor love it. (And TripAdvisor is, to my mind, notoriously full of cranks. The literal Roman Colosseum only has 4.5 stars — the exact same star rating as Gatorland. So if you can’t go to Italy this summer and end up in Orlando instead, just remind yourself of this fact.)

But we’re not here to see unusual crocodiles or admire tropical birds, anyway. We’re here to look at Gatorland’s gift shop, which Yelp reviewers called “big,” “large,” “spectacularly kitschy,” and “a miraculous blend of hillbilly, gun nut, and psychopath.” That last one was a five star review. And even online, it is disorganized and vast — although not psychopathic, unless you think festive Christmas gator socks are psychopathic, in which case I suppose I am a psychopath! Obviously, there are tons of stuffed alligators, and despite being an adult, I want one. I also want this mini capybara, and a crocodile water gun. (Is that the gun nut part?) I also would absolutely leave that gift shop with this wooden back-scratcher that looks like an alligator. Probably also this extremely cute little crocodile planter. And, like all good hillbilly gift shops, of course Gatorland’s got a great selection of shot glasses.

But if I were limited to a mere four items — a horror; I do not ever want to limit myself at a gift shop and that is why I take an empty tote bag on all vacations — the following is what I would put in my shopping bag. First, this ceramic teapot alligator is not a cheap option at $74.99 but the product description calls it “Definitely. a gift to TREASURE! [sic]” and I agree, except it would be a gift to myself.

I love him. This is the sort of item you talk yourself out of buying and then find yourself muttering, “I wish I’d bought that teapot,” on the way home. And then you go online and buy it anyway. (This is how I ended up with a Buckingham Palace soap dish. PS: If you don’t want to drop an eye-watering fifty pounds on that, eBay currently has one for $15.)

I would also keep this very VERY silly ornament of two flamingos driving a convertible. (I like to buy an ornament when I go on trips, so when you are decorating your tree, you can be like, “Oh, remember when we bought this bathtub ornament in Wisconsin?”)

But while I’d hoard those two treasures for myself, I might gift this INSANELY kitschy oven mitt to, for example, my sister for being nice enough to pick up my mail while I was visiting troubled gators. Truly, my words cannot do this thing justice. It’s so intense. I love it. You’d never burn your hands with this.

It’s like if Lisa Frank got really into gators.

And I’d probably pair that with something called Captain Rodney’s Temptation of Jezebel sauce. I love bringing back a funky condiment as a souvenir and this one has both a good label and an amusing name. (Amazon reviews of this product are pretty decent, with the exception of the one person who noted, “This is NOT Jezebel sauce. I’ve never once had any Jezebel sauce that tastes like this. This actually makes me gag. It will be thrown in the bin.”) There’s no better “thanks for grabbing my J.Crew catalogs” gift than regional sauce, I always say. Assuming you’re not going to go with the stuffed alligator.

As a final note: It’s soon to be spring break and summer vacation, even if it’s cold as hell across much of America at the moment. As you head off on your travels, please remember that I always want to hear about cool and interesting (or notably weird and bonkers) gift shops, and can be reached at dwbgiftshop@gmail.com with the above. (If you’ve sent in a suggestion that I haven’t covered yet, please rest assured that I have them on a list and will get around to yours soon!) Happy hunting!

— Jessica

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Last Call

— This is a mess. So, I guess they’re reanimating the corpse of Project Runway once again,² this time on Disney+ and Hulu, and Heidi Klum is returning to host. They haven’t mentioned who the judges will be, but we do know that the producers never even reached out to Tim Gunn about returning as mentor and he is very sad about it! This makes me mad! Tim Gunn is a treasure! Heidi and Tim love each other! Anyone who makes Tim sad is my enemy! I actually did think Christian Siriano was a decent mentor on the most recent reboot — Christian is always good TV — but if you’ve really getting the band back together, get the band back together. This is like the Beatles going on tour without Ringo! In fact, let Christian be the Michael Kors on the judging panel (I assume Michael doesn’t want to do it anymore) and have Tim back to tell people to make it work and gently let them know when they’ve made something truly awful! Let us have this one thing! My god! Airplanes are FALLING OUT OF THE SKY, can we please just have this?! — J

— There are a LOT of events happening at the moment, from the BAFTAs to the SNL 50 extravaganza to the upcoming Independent Spirit Awards and SAG Awards (the latter of which will have a live chat for you paid subscribers). If you feel like disassociating at any moment, come by Go Fug Yourself and look at some people in outfits.

1. Never mind the pre-Jurassic era of owning DVDs, or recording things off the TV on your VCR, a treacherous proposition that often didn’t work —H

2. That’s mean but also know that I will obviously still watch.