Is Beyond the Gates Sufficiently Crazy?
And please, make some dating suggestions for Jennifer Lopez that do NOT involve Ben Affleck.
Two weeks ago, CBS launched Beyond the Gates, the first new soap opera in 26 years and the first predominantly Black daytime drama since the short-lived Generations in 1989. As your unofficial soap opera correspondent, former Soap Opera Digest subscriber, and general TV crank, of course I have been binging the hell out of it.
I mention this a lot, but: I have always loved soaps. As a kid, I loved coming home from school and watching Neighbours at 5:35 p.m. — but if I was home sick and got to see it at the first 1:35 p.m. airing? Gold1. When we visited my grandparents in the States every summer, I reveled in two hours of their stories every weekday — they were One Life To Live and General Hospital buffs — and then once we moved back and onward through college, I systematically sampled them all. Because why stop at one? There was so much happening. Shawn Douglas Brady stuck in a mine! Reva Shayne, a clone! Frisco, back from the dead! Vivian Alamain burying Carly alive but with a speaker in the coffin so that she could torture Carly with a running monologue! Marlena, possessed! And then a serial killer! And then possessed again! Robin and Anna met an alien! And I haven’t even said the words “Stefano DiMera” or “Passions” yet. Soaps are an art form; they are juicy and they generously give you delicious morsels every day, and they have a gift for balancing camp and romance and representation — be it gay characters, powerful Black families, interracial romances, HIV/AIDS storylines, and of course, TV’s first abortion2. That happened in 1964 on Another World, although daytime’s first abortion in which the woman did not then subsequently murder the man who talked her into it — and then marry the lawyer who got her off the hook — belongs to Erica Kane in 1973 on All My Children (a year after Maude did it on CBS primetime). Erica made her choice and then carried on with her life without being turned into a psychopath, although her abortion DID come back to life later in the form of Kendall Hart (edit: NOPE, it was Colin Egglesfield’s Josh, how did I conflate them?!? I guess I want Kendall to be the end-all, be-all of everything), which I guess… is a less distinguished TV first, but a first nonetheless.
Beyond the Gates comes at a time when the daytime drama landscape is comparatively barren. Only General Hospital remains on ABC. It’s actual news when NBC renews Days of Our Lives, but it doesn’t even air on the broadcast network anymore; since 2022, it lives exclusively on Peacock. And CBS killed half of its four. There is an entire generation of kids that has NO IDEA how it feels to lie on the couch blowing your nose and snacking while Dorian Lord sneers at someone, or Robin mourns Stone, or when your supercouple’s signature song plays, or you hear, “The role of X is now being played by…” They don’t know how it feels to watch Stefano imprison John Black in the Parisian catacombs and wonder for WEEKS how he would avoid the guillotine, or to wonder if any character was ever really most sincerely dead.
Beyond the Gates, then, could ideally revive the genre, and it has the firm support of the NAACP, which co-produces it as its first joint venture with CBS. It centers on the rich, powerful Dupree family, living in a suburb outside Washington. D.C.; its matriarch and patriarch have two daughters, chill doctor Nicole and spitfire ex-model Dani, and their various offspring — and some brewing scandals. Thus far, it’s a little more Young and the Restless than Passions, and that’s probably the way it should be. It IS checking some of the essential soap boxes already:
Awkward Exposition: Check. Nothing will ever be worse than the time on Passions, deep into its run, when Justin Hartley had to say, “As I was telling your father, Police Chief Sam Bennett…” Soaps are notorious for repetitive dialogue and story beats, I guess assuming that most people don’t watch all five episodes, but that one was particularly egregious because NOBODY EXPLAINS WHO SOMEONE ELSE’S FATHER IS, TO THEM. Beyond the Gates has the excuse of being new, so we have no context for who anyone is, and therefore some of it was helpful. But boy, they leaned HARD on telling us why two particular married couples were perfect, extraordinary, enviable, ideal — soap code for, “Y’all are fucked.” Which we know, which is the only thing getting me through having to listen to all the gushing.
Fun Sets: Nope. God bless, but no soap has ever managed to look expensive, and this one is no exception. One of the sets, which is supposed to be the living room of a new lush mansion, feels ripped from 1992. The lavish, pricy country club is basically one grey room with some four-tops. No nightclub has looked less fun than the neon-green bar every character frequents. Everything is boxy and tight and a little echoey. And their model character had the smallest, cheapest-looking photoshoot since, well, any episode wherein The Bold and the Beautiful tries to stage a runway show. You’d think CBS would have learned from that blessed mess’s repeated mistakes on that front.
Projectiles and Punches: Check. Dani Dupree has been wronged — her husband Bill had an affair with Hayley, the younger family friend they basically raised, and now they’re getting married and Dani is ENRAGED. So she hurls not one but TWO mugs at her own front door in the first episode, then ends it by punching Hayley in the country club. Episode two concludes with Dani taking a golf club to Bill’s desk in the middle of a meeting, and if you think Dani attended their wedding WITHOUT pulling a gun on them, you’re sorely mistaken.
Blackmail and Spite-Dressing: Check: The whole Dupree family got manipulated by Bill into attending his wedding at their country club, because of Secrets. (Something to do with a person named Martin. And DECISIONS. From the PAST. Ex-husbands tend to know where the bodies are buried, and who they are.) So they convinced everyone in town to come, all dressed in black, so that it would look like a funeral — which, like any self-respecting soap wedding other than Jack and Jennifer’s Wild West affair on Days, it almost was3.
Shotgun Wedding Monologues: Don’t worry, Dani intentionally shot a plant instead of the bride, but then she stood there for half an hour monologuing about RESPECT while keeping that gun pointed at her ex. Shoutout to her trainer for those tireless arm muscles. She eventually talked for so long that she was disarmed, but not before her influencer daughter accidentally live-streamed it. Whoops.
Dry Crying: Check. Karla Mosley4, who plays Dani, is actually a pretty good actress, which we’re finally seeing now that they have given her more to do than rant and rave and glare at everyone with ginormous crazy eyes. Unfortunately, she is maybe not the most adept crier — or at least, not right off the top, when the cast is still feeling around its chemistry. So I wish they hadn’t written her not one but TWO dramatic crying scenes — one in an elevator, naturally — in which she made all the correct weeping noises, but her eyes and face were drier than the Sahara.
Elevators: Check. For real, we’re getting a lot of elevator action already. Not only did Dani splay her arms against the wall of one and sink to the floor while pretending to sob, but nurse Ashley and her old friend Andre helped a lady give birth in one. We just need elevator sex, to hit the moaning trifecta.
Dramatic Arrest: Check. Dani called a whole family meeting to announce, so bravely, that she finally accepts her marriage to Bill is over — none too soon, as this was after his wedding to someone else — and then she is immediately arrested at Bill’s behest for attempted murder… by her daughter’s husband, a cop. “The last time I was in handcuffs, I WAS MARRIED TO BILL,” she says TO HER SON-IN-LAW. Don’t worry, though; she models the hell out of it in her mug shots, and they’ve already dropped the charges after spending a bunch of taxpayer money.
Perfect Lives That Will Surely Get Blown To Smithereens: Check. Ashley is the best and most inspiring person we’ve ever seen, and all her friends are in awe of her for being a nurse and having a firefighter boyfriend, Derek, who brings her flowers. Derek, though, has the charisma of a loaf of Wonder Bread that you accidentally put in your grocery bag underneath the baked potatoes, and he’s correctly suspicious that Andre is into her. Andre has started having casual sex with Dani, so clearly what’ll happen is that he will ruin Ashley’s relationship and then realize he’s not into her anymore anyway, and ideally she will turn psychotic like Gwen from Passions.
Perfect Lives That Will Possibly Literally Get Blown To Smithereens: Check. Dani’s sister Nicole and her husband Ted, both doctors, have gone so far as to shoot a video discussing their looooooove and how great they are, and they do so much important work for others, and they’re even-keeled and nice. So, we knew they were doomed even BEFORE…
A Psychopath: BOY HOWDY, CHECK. Listen, it should not have taken us three whole episodes to get to our central nutjob, but I guess Dani Dupree had to do a lot of wailing first. Now, however, we are COOKING WITH GAS. Nicole’s husband Ted has a secret/unknown daughter, Eva — it’s unclear if he knows about her, or if he cheated — with a woman named Leslie who might also go by Dana? And Dana-Leslie is plotting to ruin him. So far, she has: used a motorcycle to run Nicole’s assistant off the road so that Eva could take her job; revealed her identity to us as a LUNATIC in the time-honored tradition of ripping off her helmet with a slow smile; inventing a THIRD alter-ego named Sharon; and putting on a terrible wig and a great red outfit to fake like she’s going to jump off the hospital roof — all to earn Nicole’s sympathy with a vaguely sketched backstory that we know is about Ted. “I could be dead, but I’m VERY MUCH ALIVE,” she gloats to Eva from back up on the roof, before monologuing about her triumphant acting in front of a view of the Washington Monument. As one does. Now Nicole likes her, Eva is freaked out about her mom’s erratic behavior, and Ted has seen Leslie as “Sharon” and has promised to DESTROY her. Dana-Leslie is going to be PEEVED when Eva decides she likes both her father and her quasi-stepmother, and I assume she will blow up something.
Dixie Cooney: You betcha. Yes, that’s right, I heard a voice while I was one-eyeing this show and my head snapped up and I said, “IS THAT DIXIE COONEY MARTIN?” It is. All My Children and general soap vet Cady McClain is joining the show as one of Dani’s friends, and I think we’ve only seen her once so far, but I have high hopes for what she can bring as someone who has survived MULTIPLE soap deaths, including one by poisoned pancakes.
There is also a married politician who wants to be the first gay Black president, but is furious his husband wants to go back to work; a horny Realtor who likes to role-play with hired wangs at various public locations where everyone FOR SURE knows her husband, like, WTF????; also her husband has a gambling problem and is gonna get scammed or offed, or both; there’s an influencer/model who just wants to make PURSES for a living, can someone PLEASE rescue her from international fame and buy her handbags; and a general lack of chemistry among all the couples we’ve started with, though some of that will develop once they figure out how to shuffle the deck. Right now, the most believable pairing is also the one that is not even trying to be sexual: Clifton Davis and the great Tamara Tunie as the Dupree grandparents, a civil rights leader and singer respectively. They have not asked Tunie to perform yet, to my astonishment. I have to assume we’re coming up on an episode where they’re all at cocktail hour at the country club and suddenly there’s a grand piano and someone asks her to favor them with a classic, and she gets up there and croons while everyone else in the room glances at each other knowingly, longingly, or murderously. You can have that one for free, Beyond the Gates. I’ll tune in and wait for it. Well, for that and some more psychopaths.
— Heather
Feeling Shoppy?
Got a birthday coming up for someone who has everything? I bet they don’t have one of Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” outfits — specifically, the one she wore when she gave Lady Gaga the VMA for "Video of the Year” while Gaga was wearing the meat dress. (The meat dress is so memorable that I forgot Cher was re-wearing one of her own most memorable looks that night.) The leading bid is currently $60,000 at Julien’s, but I think you’ll agree with me that this is priceless.
If that doesn’t fly, also included in this auction — which is kind of a mish-mosh of designer items mixed in with Hollywood memorabilia and and jewels; they’re calling it Bold Luxury: The Limelight Edit — are several pieces of Elizabeth Taylor’s monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage; this amazing vintage Dior gown; a caftan Elizabeth Taylor wore in Cleopatra (!); this fully insane Pucci outfit also owned by Taylor; a literal set of door-knocker earrings and matching necklace, also Taylor’s; a pair of jeans owned and worn by Marilyn Monroe; a much less-expensive pair of jeans worn by Victoria Beckham to a 2006 World Cup match5 (a designer collab between her and Rock & Republic, complete with a Saint George cross on the bum pockets, so don’t buy if you’re not an England fan); this sequined Lanvin dress that I legit kind of want and which is currently only $50; and a bunch of items previously owned by Amy Winehouse, like this Dior clutch. Truly something for everyone!
— Jessica
Matchmaking for Lopez, This Fall on FOX
Page Six is always happy when Ben Affleck is up to something — and, to be frank, so am I. Now they’re reporting that Jennifer Lopez is “furious” about having to see photos of her ex and his ex, Jennifer Garner, all the time. Page Six also has a source claiming J.Lo could not care less about this, though, and I assume the truth is somewhere in the middle. She probably does not like seeing photos of her former spouse being cozy with someone else when she’s in line at CVS or whatever — I cannot imagine Jennifer Lopez picks up her own prescriptions, but you never know!! — and she probably also isn’t actually anywhere near “furious” about it. Personally, I suspect J.Lo will be coupled up again before Bffleck is. If anyone loves love, it’s Jennifer!
So obviously, this got me to thinking: Who is single right now and would be a good match for J.Lo? (Because, let’s get real: Jennifer is a serial monogamist and is not going to take time to focus on herself.) I actually always thought she and Alex Rodriguez made sense together — other than that I’m sure he’s sort of a jerk and I don’t want that for Jennifer — because they’re both extremely rich and famous but not in the same arenas, which removes any need to feel competitive (or any urge to star in each other’s projects). Tom Brady and Jennifer are similarly health conscious, and would be a beautiful couple, but I suspect he’s too boring for her. Aaron Rodgers is an absolute non-starter. Maybe sports isn’t the right arena, no pun intended. Are there any very rich, single businessmen out who don’t seem like they’re also the absolute worst6? Is Mark Cuban single?7 Maybe she should date someone who isn’t a performer, at the very least, if she wants to stick to folks in the entertainment industry.
“Surely, there is a rich, single movie producer out there,” I thought to myself as I stood in front of the fridge, eating cantaloupe and reflecting on this. “Someone who would understand this woman and her love for maybe-misguided passion projects.” And then it hit me: KEVIN COSTNER.
— Jessica
ICYMI… And a Question
March Madness starts next Thursday. Does anyone want a live chat for the early rounds? Like, say if you’re able to have one eye on the wall-to-wall basketball on Thursday and Friday while you’re at work? Let us know!
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Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Etc.
The other night, I had a dream where I was reading an article about awards season and it mentioned in passing that, of course, Demi Moore and Molly Ringwald are sisters. This particular dream was so vivid — and also, at the same time, so boring — that it took a few hours the next morning for my brain to remind me that, no, Demi Moore and Molly Ringwald are not sisters, and that my subconscious had just stirred this up after several weeks of awards season coverage (and some NyQuil). My dreams about celebrities are almost all boring; I once had a very detailed dream about shopping for tires with Ian Ziering. (He was so nice to me in this dream that I’ve felt very fondly toward him ever since8.) But this is always a fun topic of conversation, and no better time than the usually otherwise fairly quiet week after the Oscars: Have you ever had a memorable dream about a celebrity? Pop down to the comments and share!
— Jessica
Last Call:
— Variety had a little story this week about Nordstrom and Ulta stores installing robots to do eyelash extensions. I truly think they’re underestimating how weirded out people will be about robots working that close to their eyeballs9? The story also covers robot massages, which make a bit more sense to me — although that also seems sort of depressing? — but doesn’t cover the thing I keep hearing about but have never seen in practice: robot manicures. Frankly, I don’t think it’s great that human jobs keep getting taken by machines, but of all those things, I feel like I’d be most likely to use one for a quick polish change. — J
— Related!
literally just published a piece where she gets one of these robot massages! SYNERGY. (All does not go smoothly.) - J— I’m not sure how we missed this last week — other than that the week after the Oscars is always insane — but The Hollywood Reporter released their Best Celebrity Stylists issue, which they’re now calling “Power Stylists 2025.” This is always good for a quick eyeball, and it feels extra-logistics-y this time around, in a good way. Jason Bolden, who works with Cynthia Erivo and Nicole Kidman, among others, was named Stylist of the Year, which certainly feels like the right call. — J
— We were on
and ’s podcast, EVERYTHING IS FINE, this week. The title of the episode is Midlife Fashion Ennui, and that really covers it. We all just want someone to tell us what jeans to buy. — JThe BBC controller at the time originally placed it at 9:35 a.m. and 1:35 p.m., but then his young daughter got in trouble at school for sneaking into a room to watch it instead of being at recess, so he moved the morning airing to evenings.
I am not saying they haven’t ever been regressive or made mistakes — there was an incident with a turkey baster on Sunset Beach that’s best forgotten — but they centered women and women’s stories, and often were ahead on social issues.
Grandma Alice Horton DID punch a cowboy, though.
She’s famous for being daytime’s first transgender bride, during her stint on The Bold and the Beautiful, and no, she is not herself trans.
England did win this game.
I am confident in guessing no. — H
No.
The morning of my wedding, several guests saw him in West Hollywood, so I’ve always considered him a good luck omen of sorts. —H
SCREAMING AND FLAILING — H
I once dreamt I was ghost-hunting on a haunted pier with Morrissey. (This was before he revealed himself as somewhat problematic.)
But by far the best celebrity dream I had was when I got a hug from Obama. Nothing weird. Michelle was there too. The three of us (and some others?) were, like, sorting jumble or something in a village hall, and he gave me a hug when we were leaving. And even in my dream I remember thinking “this feels exactly as awesome as you would expect it to feel”. Then I looked outside, and there were some centaurs running down the road who I was fairly apprehensive of.
I dreamed fairly recently that I had a very warm and caring conversation with Bryce Dallas Howard where I checked in with her to be sure she was actually interested in directing a Star Wars movie before I started making a big push online for it to happen, knowing how toxic the Star Wars fandom is. I just really did not want to put her in a terrible position!