In Which We Investigate The Timeless Question, "Woodcock or Surprise Package?"
In Which We Investigate The Timeless Question, "Woodcock or Surprise Package?"
A vintage cookbook, a decent Vogue cover and subpar Mariah artwork.
It’s been a while since we dipped into my collection of vintage cookbooks and I sat down this weekend to dig through them with the goal of seeing if they had any amusingly unhinged Halloween recipes. You know what I mean: little crudites designed to look like ghosts, or punch bowls with dry ice in them to mimic a witch’s brew. Well! Imagine my surprise when my collection yielded none of the above! But I did not leave this quest empty-handed and I’m pleased to report that my findings are still seasonally apt. Today, we turn to Company’s Coming: Food for Entertaining, by the Junior League of Kansas City, Missouri, copyright 1975. As my fellow vintage cookbook collectors will surely confirm, Junior League cookbooks are generally a treasure trove of both actually good recipes — my family’s chili recipe is from a Junior League cookbook, and this one contains the famous Chasen’s chili recipe — and also completely insane concoctions, especially the older ones. (Imagine my surprise that this cookbook from mid-’70s Missouri actually had a fairly normal guacamole recipe. I could do an entire newsletter looking at messed up guac recipes from cookbooks of yore.)
I did not buy this book at an estate sale or a library rummage sale or a flea market: Like much of my collection, I dragged it out of my building’s Leave a Book/Take a Book library in the basement. (Someone in this building and I have very complementary interests because they’ve also gotten rid of a bunch of 1960s-era Hollywood memoirs that are now out of print. I’m reading this one next.) It’s honestly a very professional and sophisticated enterprise, with a hardcover binding, hand-drawn illustrations, and a very 1975 font selection. Its introduction’s first words are, “Cooking is my bag.” Someone’s husband contributed a bunch of thoughts about wine. And it includes one of my favorite regular components of a vintage cookbook: a section of suggested menus.
While that Bridge Luncheon looks WILD — yes, the Bahama Mama has three kinds of booze and will absolutely get you trashed, and BOTH of those salads sound insane, although Pineapple Turkey Luncheon Salad is actually just your standard curried salad (something I personally prefer with chicken) — we shall return to that another time. Today, we turn to “Autumn Brunch,” as I was unable to both resist the seasonality and a menu with the line “Woodcock OR Surprise Package1.”
The “beverages” portion of this book is very pleased about how modern American drinking habits have changed “for the better,” because now everyone is drinking wine instead of hard liquor and people aren’t getting so drunk all the time — spoiler: I do not think history has borne out this theory, and at the very least, plenty of people just started getting wine drunk — but then swiftly notes that “unusual drinks seem to appear more often at a morning party or late in the evening.” Hence why our “Autumn Brunch” includes two drinks that will curl your hair:
To be scrupulously clear, I would happily accept a cup of either of these — although I don’t really drink scotch or bourbon and that Toe Warmer would have me passed out on your sofa. To my mind, the Bloody Mary is the perfect Morning Cocktail, though — as well as the perfect Airplane Cocktail, which is a whole other, very specific genre of drink — and, of course, has an autumnal color scheme. Fun fact: Snap-E-Tom was a trendy ‘70s mixer that was apparently V-8-ish but with chiles. In a development that will become a surprising trend as we make our way through this menu, this recipe actually looks pretty good to me, and it’s got the most important aspect of the Bloody Mary covered: the extremely high salt content.
Nothing goes with a Bloody Mary like… hot fruit?
To be frank: Although I am not generally a fan of Hot Fruit, I would also eat this — especially after a couple of those Toe Warmers!! — although I have the urge to just go all the way and make it the cobbler it clearly wants to be. Also: An Elberta Freestone peach is just a regular old peach. A standard peach. The classic American market peach. If you’re picking up a can of peaches, these are the peaches you’re getting. (This cookbook loves throwing in a brand name, which, in my experience, is a hallmark of the community cookbook.) Now I want a fresh peach, which is not going to happen given that, yes, it is autumn. I’m going to ease my sadness about the end of stone fruit season by diving into the meat of the menu, the question of the hour: Woodcock OR Surprise Package?
My mom used to make something similar to Woodcock for Christmas brunch, but she definitely didn’t call it that, and I don’t think hard-boiled eggs were involved. (This would be in the mid-’80s, a time that involved a lot of brunch mushroom bakes, as I recall it. [I was a child, so this was not really my focus.]) It certainly sounds easier than dealing with a recipe that includes the direction, “Make a big ball out of patty shell dough,” although I bet you could just use normal frozen dough to make your tart shell. This… also sounds sort of good and relatively normal, despite its frankly aggressive name. Give me some time, and I’m actually going to start cooking from these books. Pour me another Toe Warmer, honey, I’m gonna whip up some hot curried fruit2!
Time for our sausage ring!
It’s simply not a 1970s-era party unless something is unmolded from a ring.
Let’s finish this rager with… bran?
Yet again, I must confess that this seems rather normal — even, arguably, a healthy and pleasantly fibrous closer for a menu that got you wasted, then really sobered you up with sausage rings and mushroom concoctions to soak up all that bourbon. (FYI: Bran Buds are not some weird hippy bran brand from the 1970s; you probably know it better as a variation of Kellogg’s All-Bran.) Thoughtful work from a thoughtful hostess! Thanks, Junior League of Kansas City, MO! You nailed this one.
See you at next week’s Bridge Luncheon. Linda, you’re in charge of the Junior League Toast this time.
— Jessica
All Mariah Wants For Christmas Is For You To Buy Her Re-release
Mariah Carey, rivaled for the Queen of Christmas title only by the Virgin Mary herself, is feting the 30th anniversary of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by re-releasing it. She doesn’t want a lot for Christmas, but she knows four things that you need: a copy of her famous single, if you can still play CDs. She just wants you all to own, for tape decks or your gramophone, the same old song, it’s true; but all with airbrushed art that’s brand new. BABYYYYY.
I technically don’t KNOW if it’s the same old song, but none of the stories about this enterprise say she has re-recorded it — merely that she is re-releasing it, with fresh artwork. It’s probably wise to stick to the O.G. version. If you detest “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” you aren’t going to change your mind and shell out for it if she re-records it with different vocal runs and more cowbell. And if you love AIWFCIY, you almost certainly don’t want Mariah noodling around with it, especially because she was in prime voice when she sang it the first time — and we cannot have perfunctory alterations mess up our karaoke flow, even if said karaoke is really just bopping around the kitchen chopping and simmering things while Alexa shuffles holiday music.
Having noted that, Mariah has redone “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in the past. Per the song’s Wikipedia page, she rerecorded new vocals in 2000 over some electro-funk samples and released this first in Japan, and then as a bonus track on her 2001 Greatest Hits album. In 2009, she remixed it into a dance jam, and in 2010, she did the “Extra Festive” version for her second holiday album:
[T]he new version featured re-recorded vocals, softer bell ringing and stronger drumming, and an orchestral introduction that replaced the slow vocal introduction. Steven J. Horowitz from Rap-Up wrote that the new version "sound[ed] just as enjoyable as it did in 1994." While the song was praised, it drew criticism for being too similar to the original. Thomas Connor from the Chicago Sun-Times wrote that the new version "just seems to add a few brassy backup singers to exactly the same arrangement."
So basically, the remixes that were different never really got traction, except perhaps in da club, but the one that was very similar didn’t move the needle either; therefore she’s probably right to dance with the one that brought her. But why not make some cool commemorative art? There are so many ways Team Mimi could have paid homage to the records the song holds — including being the first to reach a billion streams on Spotify. Instead, the new art is just updated with versions of Mariah that border on A.I. Here’s what she has teed up for the 7” vinyl release, for $15:
For your reference, this is the original. She kept the font and the idea of the Santa jumpsuit, but they revamped her hair and makeup, and she appears here to be kneeling on… either the plushest, largest bearskin rug of all time, or one of those gigantic Lovesacs that can seat about four people. The Christmas trees seem plonked there by Photoshop, along with some floating presents. Her face says, “Are we done yet?”
But it’s better than the one she’s slapping on the cassingle. Yes, cassingle:
This is hunchy, cross-eyed hilarity. Mariah looks like she is in the process of realizing she threw out her back. Is that even her face? You could tell me she’s a minor Bravolebrity releasing a vanity single and I would believe it. Given that this is the cassingle, maybe she slapped the worst of the art on there, because WHO is buying it? Not even the golden plastic tape itself would make me spent $9.98 on something I can’t play without shelling out another $30 for a cassette deck, especially when I will already hear this song a hundred different places in December alone either on purpose or against my will. Also amusing: There is a four-per-customer rule. I assume this is an attempt to stop bot purchases from snapping all of these up and then reselling them on eBay for $100 apiece, but I have to think that would be an ill-fated enterprise, although perhaps I am underestimating the Lambily.
I have questions about the economics of all of this, frankly. What is the demand forecast here?!? Everything old is new again and record players are hot right now, but surely no one is sitting around thinking, “The classics sounded so much sexier on cassettes, I miss the times I had to fix my mix-tape with a pencil.” I assume your DVD player can handle the upcoming CD release, but… can it? How many people even have a DVD player anymore? What’s more, the 7” vinyl comes with “Sleigh Ride” as the B-side, while the cassingle gets a live version from the Tokyo Dome, but… why not make all of these a mini-album that has all the other official versions and remixes on it too? Like a sonic history of the song, to which Mariah could add a new version or duet if she so chooses? I guess that would all make the enterprise more costly, but you can’t tell me that making a cassette and a CD, AND pressing two different sizes of vinyl is cheap. The CD and the 12” vinyl have not released their details yet, though, so maybe they’ll be more thorough tributes. Although at this point I just hope for Mariah popping out of a giant wrapped present, possibly with a red nose and some antlers.
— Heather
Am I Nuts Or Is This Vogue Cover Pretty Good?
Billie Eilish is your November 2024 newsstand cover subject for Vogue, and… I might like it?3
The suit is tremendous on Billie. Her face pops. The photos paired with the profile veer between the dark hair and the blonde — I am guessing the blonde is a wig, as I don’t recall her bleaching it recently and she’s been firmly brunette for her tour (unless that is the wig?), but regardless it’s recognizably her even if it’s surprising. This pose, tipped forward like one of those weird weighted bird toys people had on their desks in Olden Times, is a risky one but she’s making it work — there’s power and mistrust in her eyes, as if she’s sizing you up as much as you are her. It’s probably the coolest attempt the magazine has made in a while. So yeah, it seems I am complimenting American Vogue. Does this mean Satan is also hunting for some cozy socks and a cardigan?
— Heather
In Case You Missed It…
We’re at a point in this season of Only Murders in the Building where theories are starting to coalesce. (I have suspicions about Loretta!! But my working theory still has a lot of holes.) Our latest recap:
And last week, paid subscribers got our Doctor Odyssey Deadness Watch, plus we discussed the new Met Gala theme, our (lighthearted) presidential platform pitches (ALL AWARDS SHOWS MUST BE LIVE!! etc etc), and more:
Everyone’s kooky platform pitches were really amusing, so make sure you read the comments on that one. We’ve got everything from mandated Enchilada Tuesdays, to all sporting events beginning by 6:30 p.m., to no lunch time meetings, to absolutely no listening to your phone without headphones in public spaces. AND MORE.
Last Call
— Remember how Andrew Garfield was dating that “Luxury Witch” for a while? She announced on her Instagram that they broke up “months ago.” (This Page Six piece also informed me that said Luxury Witch has been married four times, at the age of 42, to which I say with absolutely sincerity: I am impressed. This makes me wish she had a personal blog. Remember when people had personal online blogs?! The early aughts were terribly unhinged but also at times very interesting. I would absolutely read the personal Blogspot of a luxury witch with four ex-husbands.) — J
— Speaking of break-ups, Lupita Nyong’o confirmed that she and Joshua Jackson are no longer seeing each other. I am Team Everyone here and assume this was just a hot friends-to-lovers fling embarked upon in the wake of both of their respective larger break-ups, and that they have returned to being congenial buddies. I look forward to seeing which hot person each of them dates next. — J
— Peacock made a documentary — based on the Vanity Fair article that exposed this — about former Grey’s Anatomy writer Elisabeth Finch, who faked her cancer for years and engaged in other elaborate deceptions. The three-part Anatomy of Lies premieres today; I can’t tell yet if I think this will add anything to the story or simply revisit it with the visuals of wide-eyed coworkers, but it’s an absolutely wild situation and I’m curious. — H
This was a swingers party FOR SURE — H
JESSICA YOU SHOULD MAKE THIS MENU but maybe not for a swingers party, although YOU DO YOU. — H
Vice President Harris got the digital cover, in an Annie Leibovitz shot that turned out perhaps understandably slightly stiff, given that the brief was surely “as Presidential as possible,” and Vogue has likely not forgotten the backlash they got the last time they tried something “interesting” with Harris.
My MIL made hot curried fruit regularly! My husband made it as dessert for my sorority supper club back when we were in college. Tasty stuff!
My family had a Bran Buds Era. My mum made endless muffins and stirred wheat germ into things. I’d make the pear version, no question.