Are We All Gonna Get Stress Ulcers During Paris 2024?
Should we do it TOGETHER? Also: important shoe news.
We’re in a robust sports season right now, between Euro 2024, the Copa America, Wimbledon, and the U.S. Olympic trials, all of which have me yelling a variety of things at my television set — but only one of which has me watching through my fingers.
Somewhere in the last several Olympics cycles, I lost the ability to watch figure skating and gymnastics live. I am someone who gladly will record sporting events in which I have a rooting interest and work to stay unspoiled until I can watch, yet with these, I have to know the outcome for my nerves to tolerate the tension. If a swimmer loses, generally they climb out of the pool with their spines intact; if a hurdler falls, I HATE it, and I GASPED when Athing Mu tripped in the 800-meter trials. But experiencing that in real time doesn’t turn my palms clammy the way they get when the artistic gymnasts walk out. I am pretty sure I can trace this to 1996. You can land wrong on the floor, and you can hurt yourself on the vault — as Kerri Strug did — and intellectually I know this and understand it would suck and be sad and scary. But nothing terrifies me as much as the balance beam, which seems so much more… punishing, probably because it requires so much precision. In Atlanta, Dominique Moceanu got up on that four-inch tyrant of an apparatus because a six-foot tyrant of a coach made her compete on a stress fracture, and at the end of a tumbling pass she landed on it ON HER HEAD. Miraculously, she finished, but doctors never even checked her out. Bela and Marta Karolyi will have a special questionnaire to fill out when the gates of Hell open for them1.
The USA loves nothing more than to expect American dominance in certain sports and too often the media tries to preordain outcomes and pre-crown its winners. I have so much respect for them for competing because the pressure can get too much for me and I’m on my couch and can fall into a bag of Lay’s. I was shaking for Simone Biles in Rio because of how high the expectations were, and a basket-case even before Biles pulled out Tokyo with the twisties. Everyone had treated her gold medal like a foregone conclusion. We’ve seen how that goes for, say, Mikaela Shiffrin in skiing, who also makes me hold my breath whenever she’s at an Olympic starting line because it’s never gone well for her. But figure-skating is to the Winter Olympics what gymnastics is to the summer, in terms of my anxiety. I can watch the half-pipe and the acrobatic skiing and the slaloms and all of that, but God help my absurd nerves if we have a female skater with even longshot medal hopes who has to land a triple or a crazy combo. I always had to spoil myself on a Sasha Cohen ice-skating routine, because of the high probability of a fall, and I tried watching America’s Greatest Hope Nathan Chen skate his gold-medal long program live but gave up and closed my eyes and made Kevin give me the all-clear.
What is it about those sports, in particular? Is it because of how much more personal it feels to watch a minutes-long routine and see every emotion flit across their face as it happens, than to see someone in a suit and goggles fly down a hill? I thought I was supposed to get more chill with age, but apparently I’m just a wound-up old meat bag who doesn’t cry at movies but will definitely season herself with salt when a sports crowd goes wild and people’s parents cry. This year, I watched Day 2 of the gymnastics team trials, and got all emotional when Hazly Rivera got the fifth slot and her father sobbed so hard he could barely watch her run out with her flowers and wave. I still held my breath anytime Simone Biles was in the air for any reason (mercifully I missed her beam fall). She herself seems so calm and full of perspective and wisdom and Zen — she has nothing left to prove, so if she does it anyway, it’s all sprinkles on the sundae — that it actually had a weird soothing effect on my spectator anxiety, but I’m still not sure if I’ll be able to turn on the Paris competition without knowing the ending.
For that reason, I’m wondering if we need some Olympics chats this season — just a place where we can leave it open during the day for anyone who’s too stressed out to go it alone. Obviously, if I am going to turn myself inside out, it’s more fun to do it in the company of friends. And who else will help me understand the minutiae of breakdancing, or scream alongside me when NBC/Peacock does its 130th package about Lilly King’s now-fiancé proposing to her at the trials? WITH WHOM CAN I YELL, other than my family, which might get old for them because they’re hearing it out loud? Should we rip through our innards together, Broads Nation? We may need to plant our flag online for the duration. Let us know in the comments!
— Heather
Vital Shoe News
I have a brief but important update from the land of Jessica Is Very Easily Influenced to Buy Stuff From Instagram, where we seem to spend a lot of time: My family hosted my post-elopement party this weekend2, and I got to put both these shoes (Instagram claims they’re the most comfortable shoes IN THE WORLD!!) and these shoes (same claim, except from Aerosoles) to a real test. I’d been pleased with their performances previously, but this weekend included a few events where I knew I would barely get to sit down. So, like, the Olympics of footwear. Verdict: Both pairs passed with flying colors. (Won a gold medal? Maybe I don’t need to totally torture that metaphor. Lots of Olympics talk today!) I was on my feet for several hours in each and never once thought, “My shoes are KILLING me.” Even the high ones! It was like a miracle. I am tempted to buy more. Someone please take my credit card away from me.
— Jessica
Alert: The July 4th News Drop Weekend is Nigh
As we’ve discussed before, holiday weekends are a popular time for celebrities to break news they hope people will not be around to discuss, and this year’s July 4th break may be particularly potent because the holiday falls on a Thursday — meaning that many Americans will be checked out from Wednesday evening through Sunday (or at least attempting to be). That is a LOT of time in which to bury something and hope that your news gets replaced with something else before there’s a lot of dialogue about it.
The obvious contender for this upcoming holiday weekend news dump is, of course, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez making a divorce official. Page Six recently noted that he moved his things out of their shared home while she was in France for Couture Week, and they’re reportedly selling it. Now, the site has a source saying the marriage has been over since March, which is mere weeks after she released both THE FILM and the album that fueled it, both of which chronicle her attainment of true love after twenty years of dysfunction. I thought it was corny and flawed but sweet, but it’s also the equivalent of tattooing your beloved’s name on your body — double points if the mark functions as a wedding ring. Unfortunately, unlike a tat, J.Lo can’t go back and turn the words “This Is Me… Now” into “T I M… Now!” and then claim it’s an acronym for Transcendent Introspective Maturity or whatever. Anyway, if it’s true that they’re splitting up, the flop of that album, movie, and tour cannot be unrelated. We’ll see what the dueling “sources” say… and of course, when they say it.
Is it rude to speculate on other contenders? I’m not ROOTING for anyone to split up, and there isn’t the same kind of smoke around anyone else, but the frequent Blind Item guesses about couples who’ve secretly split include Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, and Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be on the radar, even though People swears they’ve “moved past” his DWI even though she was originally “not happy about it.” I have a few couples I’d like to bubble-wrap, but whose names I won’t mention in case I have evil reverse powers. Maybe Homer Simpson will go through a midlife crisis. What if Bluey’s parents are on the rocks?!? If Netflix takes this moment to officially divorce Girls5Eva, I will RAGE.
— Heather
Our Search For DWB HQ Continues!
I have recently been made aware of several potential new Drinks With Broads Headquarters — two of which are in the running to act as our London outposts. (Competition is hot for this one.) First is Winston Churchill’s Kensington home. Back in the day, the former Prime Minister3 purchased two homes next to each other — technically, I believe he simply nabbed his neighbor’s place when they moved out, as you do — and turned them into one large residence/office, but this property has since been converted back into two separate homes. (Boring.) As ever, I’m somewhat meh on the bathrooms as they currently stand — at least, as seen there in the NY Post story about the house; as of this writing, I can’t get the actual listing to load for me! Are THAT many people jonesing for this house? Just let me see it! — but the terrace is gorgeous, and you can’t beat that location! Plus, how nice it would be to be able to say, “Ah, yes, Churchill once owned this place. He had terrible taste in wallpaper, we’ve redone it extensively,” even though that would be a lie. (As far as I know, anyway. This wasn’t covered in Darkest Hour4.)
As tempting as that one is, however, I think I’m rather more inclined to opt for the place that used to belong to Princess Diana’s stepmother, Raine Spencer, with whom she had a very tumultuous relationship. (In my vague recollection, Diana once tried to push Raine down the stairs, but Raine probably deserved it. Regardless, they made up after Charles and Diana divorced.) This place actually dates from the 1980s but feels very classic — all those built-in bookshelves! — and it ALSO has a nice terrace, although it’s not as grand as Churchill’s garden. (DWB HQs located in cities require a delightful terrace/garden where we can have drinks and snacks, obviously.) Is it too small for our needs, fellow Broads? Said needs include the aforementioned spot (or spots) for drinks and snacks, plenty of places to lounge, a pleasant location for screenings of major awards shows, and, of course, various powder rooms to wallpaper.
If we decide we’d rather not be kicking around London, I do have a lead on a castle in Belgium. It’s got it all: tunnels, frescos, fifteen bedrooms, a history of beer-brewing monks, WWII drama, an owner who is very vague in that interview with the folks at Mansion Global, INSANE wallpaper, and allegedly a pond. I could not find this place’s listing at Sotheby’s website — more vagueness!! Does this home even actually exist?! — but while I was looking for it, I may have stumbled on our big winner for the day. Sure, it’s been tagged with the dreaded “Price Upon Request,” but I’m sure it’s worth it. It’s got parking for 30! The grounds are idyllic. The amount of marble is staggering! There are (possibly questionable?) murals! It’s got a tremendous amount of natural light! There might be fruit trees? And, best of all, the listing has no photos of the bathrooms, which definitely always means they’re not weird at all! Let’s just go for it.
— Jessica
Housekeeping Update!
Thanks to the 4th of July holiday, there will be no Thursday newsletter this week. However! Your recap of the next two episodes of The Bear will arrive on schedule. Everyone got a taste of those yesterday; if you’d like to read the rest of the season’s recaps…
Last Call
— Owen Gleiberman reports at Variety: The Ho-Hum Box Office of Kevin Costner’s ‘Horizon’ Carries a Message: Don’t Turn Movies Into Television. Seems like good advice. Additionally: I learned over the weekend that Costner also has to pay for his own advertising and marketing, which explains why I’ve seen so few ads for this film. It opened this weekend and you’d never know! — J
— The BET Awards put O.J. Simpson into the In Memoriam!?!?!?! I mean… it’s technically accurate, but whoa. — H
— CNN ran a piece about how A.I. images of Jesus are “suspiciously rugged — and we have only ourselves to blame,” and I admit I got bored and didn’t read the whole thing but just the idea that someone is like, “All these Jesuses are WAY TOO SEXY,” makes me laugh. —H
Moceanu spoke out about this in 2021 when everyone was so douchey about Simone Biles withdrawing from parts of Tokyo, because she had the AUDACITY to listen to her body and her mind. — H
It was so fun and Jessica looked fabulous!!!!!! -H
And, like many a Broad, a noted lover of caftans — H
For all you Cinematrix/Movie Grid/Movie Pyramid lovers, Darkest Hour is indeed the Gary Oldman Churchill flick and The Darkest Hour is a whole other thing starring Olivia Thirlby, Joel Kinnaman, and Emile Hirsch. Do not let that extra article mess up your score!!! Spoken from experience! — H
I’m going to the women’s all around final in Paris and while I am SO excited - I know I will also be a nervous wreck the entire time.
I will be here for any Olympics chats you choose to bless us with, Fug Girls!! Extremely, extremely pro!