Welcome to Your Super Bowl LVIII Chat
It's Chiefs vs. 49ers, in between all the ads.
We know our Broads contain multitudes, and that many of you — as we do — follow sports as closely as the award shows, and will be watching today’s game as closely as the halftime show and the ads. And we deserve to experience it together, don’t you think? Festivities begin at 3 p.m. Pacific on CBS with the National Anthem being performed by Reba McEntire, Andra Day performing “Lift Every Voice and Sing” and Post Malone taking on '“America the Beautiful,” the coin toss, the starting lineup announcements, and exhaustive coverage of where particular famous people might be sitting. Kickoff is scheduled for 3:30 p.m., and presumably shenanigans will ensue.
Super Bowl XVIII pits Taylor Swift against Olivia Culpo, in a battle for ALL the Making Out Under a Hailstorm of Confetti photos. I kid, I kid, obviously it has nothing to do with them, although I feel like Olivia probably hopes they’ll get a photo op out of it. Olivia, a former Miss Universe, is engaged to the San Francisco 49er’s star running back Christian McCaffrey and tried to buy his mother a suite at Allegiant Stadium for the game, but Christian nixed it because it was too expensive. Well, technically, it played out thusly: His mother said they were so expensive that none of them could pay for it, “not even Christian, moneybags over there. Nor moneybags Olivia,” which is a really weird tone to hit.
Especially when his family is probably not living at negative-moneybags levels since his father is Super Bowl champ Ed McCaffrey of the Denver Broncos. Olivia apparently responded to Mama McCaffrey’s words by announcing publicly that she had bought her future MIL a suite, but it seems Christian caught her before she entered her credit card number and nixed it, saying he doesn’t want anyone to pay to see him play (by this, I assume he means anyone he’s related to, as thousands of people pay to see him play every weekend and he’s fine with it). I have to say, he is correct. Sporting News reports that suites are going for anywhere between $1.4 million to $2.5 million, and you should probably only spend that on a football game if you are, indeed, Taylor Swift, and are rolling around in massive piles of Fuck You money and won’t notice the loss of any of those seven digits.
Donna Kelce has indicated she, too, is likely watching with the crowd, for the same reason; no word on whether Taylor plans to join her there, but so far she has not pulled a Culpo and announced a suite purchase. I hope Taylor does sit with the masses. She’s new to football. She deserves to experience how fun a game can be when you’re actually out there IN IT, high-fiving random people around you and probably getting spilled on and wept on by strangers, and being forced to listen to that guy — there is always That Guy — who thinks his trash talk is REALLY clever, and having to calculate when to make a beer run so that you don’t accidentally miss anything but also don’t get stuck in the halftime lines. Double that math for any bathroom breaks you need. This can be Taylor’s version of Pulp’s “Common People.” Be a plebeian for a day. It’s not so bad, unless you are trying to buy tickets to one of Taylor’s concerts! I’ve made a lot of half-hour-long friendships in stadium bathroom lines, and Taylor seems like someone who might discover she gets a huge kick out of making small-talk with exuberant randos who have a lot of feelings about the Chiefs receiving corps and whether Valdez-Scantling has done enough to redeem himself.
Since Taylor is into numerology, or at least hidden meanings, I can tell you that the number of this Super Bowl — 58 — “is often referred to as the ‘world conqueror’” and signifies, growth, success, and progress. Recurring themes that come up are ambition, drive, and financial abundance, which tracks, and it reduces down to the thematically similar number 4, whose meaning can boil down to: keep working hard and rewards will follow. However, romantically, it’s murkier:
The number 58 is all about embracing change, and this can be particularly relevant when it comes to matters of the heart. If you’re feeling stuck or stagnant in your current relationship, the appearance of this number could be a sign that it’s time to shake things up. This doesn’t necessarily mean ending things with your partner, but rather being open to new experiences and trying new things together.
One of the key themes associated with the number 58 is personal freedom. This can be a positive thing when it comes to relationships, as it suggests that you should be with someone who allows you to be yourself and supports your personal growth and development. If you’re feeling stifled or held back in your current relationship, it could be a sign that it’s time to move on and find someone who truly values your independence.
Instagram Handle Killatrav certainly seems to be very proud of Taylor’s accomplishments and is not outwardly annoyed that she’s all anyone wants to talk to him about this week, which is great. But if either of them is feeling stifled, or if she’s feeling chafed by the existence of his robust playoff beard, then it could be trouble. It could also mean they’ll end up having an orgy with Olivia Culpo and Christian McCaffrey later. We just don’t know.
Enjoy the game, enjoy Usher, enjoy the ads… most of all, we hope you’ll enjoy it with us in the chat! GAME ON.