These recommendations on the main GFY website have helped me plan my trip to Portugal. (I've saved old links and referred to them.) One person recommended Pestana Hotels, which I've booked. Another person suggested three days in Lisbon, three days in Lagos and three days in Porto -- and I'm doing that (with an extra day in Lisbon). So, my question: is there a good tour company to take for the Duoro Valley? Thanks y'all! Thinking of everyone in LA.
Former AAA employee who booked domestic travel but worked with the international agents - they use Viator themselves. I’ve used it in Hawaii and Ireland, excellent both times.
Jessica, last summer my family did the Douro Valley 3 Wine Experiences with Lunch & Optional Boat Cruise on Viator, and it was absolutely lovely. We also really enjoyed our Eating Europe Undiscovered Lisbon Food & Wine Tour, and I highly recommend Casa Guedes in Porto for a great meal! We loved our time in Portugal, and I hope you do too!
These recommendations are helpful! Someone recommended Glasgow over staying in Edinburgh to someone else last summer, but my mom and I were in the early stages of planning a trip to Scotland and wound up following that advice.
Hi. Where do you all go to vet your charities and non-profits? How do you know if they're up to [no] good? And also, what is the wisdom on donating to a GoFundMe vs a 501(c)3?
A Go Fund Me is just an individual or family asking for monetary donations; whether it is needed/warranted doesn't matter, and there are no real rules or oversight. People can set them up easily for a myriad of reasons. Whereas a vetted organization has more accountability and obviously can help more people as it is not just focused on the one person or family in need. Please refer to the link below for organizations that are vetted doing a lot of good work right now for the people (and animals) affected: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/how-to-help-victims-los-angeles-wildfires-rcna187274?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
I agree. I have a friend from elementary school who had one made for them but I didn’t look at the language to know if they’re going to be in trouble later.
Charity Navigator is a good place! Otherwise, if you know people that volunteer in your community, I find that's always a good way to find well-run local charities (they'll be able to see behind the scenes!) that can have the most bang for your buck donation-wise.
501(c)3 non profits are also required (with some exceptions if they make very little income) to submit 990 forms to the IRS each year, which lists all their income, expenses, etc., including how much they spent on fundraising and the salaries for their six highest paid employees. If they're good they usually post it on their website. Religious organizations don't have to do this (since they're usually not 501(c)3 orgs.
I'll get started on the not-serious asks, albeit with a longshot. Does anyone have suggestions for a really warm yarn and/or a knitting pattern for a really warm hat?
Since moving to a cold and windy place, my handknit hats are insufficient -- the wind just goes through them. My only decently warm hat is a branded one from my work, and I'd like to not rep my employer sometimes.
Ysolda Teague's Musselburgh hat (https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/musselburgh)! Knit it in a fingering-weight alpaca or yak blend, both of which are insanely warm fibers (but both also don't have a ton of elasticity, thus the preference for a blend with wool).
Malabrigo!!!!! SUCH pretty colorways and SUCH warm chunky yarn. I live in the frozen north and my hats from the heavier weights of Malabrigo are awesome.
I've made multiples of the Classic Cuffed Hat from Purl Soho, easy to knit and the yarn is inexpensive (you can use any worsted wool, I like Cascade 220)
Any stranded colorwork hat, such as the ones from Shetland wool week will give you added insulation because you are in effect creating two layers of yarn when you are knitting with two colors. Shetland wool is quite warm when knitted that way. And lovely!
Look for alpaca or alpaca blend yarns, alpaca is lightweight and oh so warm. It can grow, though, so a blend or holding it with a strand of silk or wool lace weight, maybe something with a haze? Is lovely. I’m about to treat myself to yarn for the Sophie Hood, since hats tend to fall off my head. It’s a scarf/hood combo, maybe you’ll like it
I made it with a very cozy, spongy alpaca yarn (unfortunately don't remember brand).
Alpaca is my favorite fiber for softness and warmth, and he deep foldover brim-style keeps my ears nice and warm (you can probably find a similar style pattern for free on Ravelry).
FWIW: the best place in Austin to take seven people for an anniversary dinner if four of them are vegans and two of them hate vegetables is Eldorado Cafe. Make a reservation ahead of time, and thank me later.
Question - does anyone know of any places accepting donations in NY to support LA victims? Might be a bit of a stretch but I am going to do a spring clean and will have lots of clothes (including professional clothing)/ kitchen/ home items to donate. Happy to donate to other deserving causes also, but this seemed the most urgent need!
Being in LA, I can say we're overwhelmed with clothes donations. Cash is best at this time, and community needs will become clearer as time moves on. Gathering items in other locations and shipping them here doesn't seem like the best use - I'd encourage you to find an org in NY that can use your items locally. Thank you so much for wanting to help!
I met a young woman last week whose family lives between Boone and Asheville NC. She told me they were lucky because her step-father rigged up an outdoor shower where the family (including her 86 year old grandmother) and neighbors can take hot showers once or twice a week. Since September. In the winter. In the outdoor parking lot. We've been sending things to NC; that might be an option until we know what people in CA are going to really need.
If anyone is looking for more celebrity b.s. content as an escape, this thread from Faux Moi on celebrity moments you recall but can't find a record of anymore is a scream. It's a fun dig into pop culture, the internet and our psyches:
Thinking of all of you in LA. This is heartbreaking.
My ask: Anyone have recommendations for how to get a 10-year-old boy to gain weight? His ADHD meds are suppressing his appetite so "eat more" isn't cutting it.
So my 11 year old has the same issue. After many years we have finally put her on an appetite stimulant and it seems to be working. She gained 7 pounds in the last year. I will also add that her doctor told her to eat more ice cream and she took that as the most sound medical advice ever recieved. Good luck!!
I can't tell you yet if it works because it's only been two weeks but we've been having my very small 10 year old drink a Boost (or Ensure, he just prefers Boost) extra calories extra protein drink every night.
We had this trouble when my now 11-year-old was diagnosed and started meds. In addition to the below (Boost/Ensure/Orgain kids protein shakes), I recommend Kids Eat in Color (https://www.instagram.com/kids.eat.in.color/) - she has some excellent resources on how to get calories in. Not joking when I say we started putting heavy cream on his cereal instead of milk.
Very different context, but I spent seven years doing nutrition education for folks with chronic diagnoses where the condition and or the meds suppressed appetite in different ways, and calories in drinks were often the game changer. Good luck, kids and food is a stressful combo, you’re doing great ❤️
We had this issue when my son was little too. The doctors gave us a list of recommendations that looked like an anti diet. Tuna in oil, not water. Butter ALL the sandwiches. Full fat Mayo on everything. Nutella for breakfast. Pizza at every meal. Bananas and cream as a bedtime snack. Good luck, this is a tough one.
Our doctor also said to gauge whether they actually ate more if we let them eat smaller meals and snacks a lot versus having them wait and sit down to one meal they might pick at. -H
+1 - our 12 yr old seems to 'feel' his appetite most at night so the hours of 4-8pm are a constant snack fest. We try to ensure protein/fruit make it into his choices but otherwise if he wants to eat we let him eat.
My two small boys with celiac both really like the Builders Protein bars in chocolate mint flavor. The whole family agrees that the chocolate peanut butter bars are gross.
Celiac here who concurs, those are great! Also, Fairlife makes protein drinks, and their Core Power drinks have 42 grams of protein. I'll put that on cereal sometimes for a snack. That's more about getting protein in than calories, though, but perhaps it'll help someone as an idea.
We made sure our son ate a big healthy breakfast before taking his meds, then encouraged him to have "second dinner" a little later in the evening (like 7:30 or so) after his meds wore off and he was feeling a bit hungry.
I have my own issues around eating/weight, so I worried about making anything food-related into a "thing." So we talked about fueling his body with nutrition versus making it about being "too skinny."
if he likes chocolate we had luck with milkshakes, Fairlife chocolate milk, and I made Nutella on Ritz crackers for school snacks. Also when and if they are hungry at night, let him keep eating even though it's driving you nuts.
Oh! JIF and Peanut Butter & Co both make chocolate peanut butter that has the protein (and fat) of peanut butter but tastes like a Reese’s. So good, both of them.
Fairlife Chocolate Milk is delicious. We are also fans of CorePower’s Vanilla Protein Shakes (made with Fairlife milk) and they help with my picky-eater son
I support WCK anyway—José Andrés needs to win a Nobel Peace Prize for his essential, fantastic work—but I just set up a recurring donation, hoping it will be more useful than one lump sum at the end of the years like I usually do.
This is my semi-annual plea to set up regular, even if small, donations to your favorite charity. They usually get a big dump of money in times of crisis, which of course is wonderfully useful, but then the funds trickle out and they have nothing to keep them going the rest of the year. Thanks!
I also find the monthly donations easier to do financially than doing one big one at the end of the year- I have three I do that with (WCK, Room to Read and the International Institute of New England which helps with resettling refugees in New England) and it doesn't affect my monthly budget all that much.
I've actually switched to quarterly donations instead of monthly for anything I was giving less than $50. I was advised to do this because credit card processing fees and just general management can eat up $10 almost faster than they can receive it. But, if you give slightly more the cc fees may get capped (depending on their processor), but also the person on the other end who is inputting things only does it once and you are saving them some time which =money. I've got several charities that I donate too and have them on different rotating quarterly schedule, so the impact to me monthly is the same.
The Fauxmoi discussion of least discussed celeb relationships is a perfect brain break. However, Cameron Diaz & Justin Timberlake and Jake Gyllenhaal & Kirsten Dunst being listed as "whoa, that happened!?" makes me feel 8,000 years old.
Hello! I'm looking for a recommendation for workout leggings. I like a lot of compression and a cottony feel. These are for dance cardio -- I like to feel "held in" while jumping about. :)
(Currently holding on to several pairs of 4-year-old Old Navy leggings that are my holy grail, but are no longer made. There's a whole reddit thread devoted to mourning these magical leggings.)
I regret to inform you that Lululemon Aligns really are worth the hype. Get the type with pockets and size down one size for some compression. There are several fun colors on clearance right now!
This is exactly how I feel about the Lululemon Aligns. The first time I tried mine on, I let out such a loud “Oh noooooo” my sister thought I hated them. No, I hated how good they were and how they lived up to the hype. That said, they are not very compressive in my regular size (I don’t need/want them to be, FWIW), but have not tried sizing down.
Hard agree with both of you - aligns are, truly, That Good, and sizing down does give you more compression in a helpful-not-uncomfortable way! I have had pairs for literally a decade, and they've probably averaged one wear a week. I much prefer Athleta (B Corp) to Lulu if I am spending my money on athleisure, but Aligns are the only exception I'll still make.
I wear them for everyday use when I wear a dress or skirt, so I'm not sure if they would also work for working out...but I love love love my Uniqlo leggings.
Some are softer (not sure if they would be considered cottony -- I think they're the All Day leggings) but I've been very happy with Sweaty Betty. Compression feel is great and they have fun patterns, in addition to traditional colors.
I tried some Fabletics Power Hold and they are similar to the OG old navy leggings, but not quite as wonderful for me. They would be a good option if your're looking for comfy compression.
Sadly, Aligns just don't do it for me. I carry my weight in my hips/thighs, so wearing a smaller size just for compression negates the "squat proof" and is not comfortable.
These cheapie Amazon ones have been my go-to for the past five years (and they last a long time! I had to really dig deep in my orders to find them because they've held up so well I haven't had to buy any new ones in 4+ years!). I use them for dance, aerobics, walking, and I especially like them for weights because they're about the only brand I've found that doesn't roll or slip when doing squats. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07H8DGZB7?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_7
The heathered ones are comfier/stretchier for some reason than the solid colors so I prefer those. Otherwise, the quality is about the same.
Hi all, I'm getting married this year or next year, and our guestlist has gone from 2 to 25. I'm introverted and anxious, and looking for advice on being the centre of attention when you don't like it!
I am similar, and definitely felt that during some parts of the ceremony part of my wedding, but it also felt really meaningful to be surrounded by people who cared about me and my partner, and who traveled to come to our wedding. I also think it's fine to make the wedding less about moments just focused on the two of you -- like, no need to make a grand entrance if you don't want to, or have a first dance just the two of you. It can be what you want it to be in that sense.
I second all this. You don’t have to do any of the “traditional” wedding stuff that brings all the focus on you — no flower tossing or big entrance or solo dance — unless you want to. And also maybe asking a close, calming friend or relative to keep an eye on you and gently interject themselves if they get the sense you need space. Congratulations!
My wife and I also had a small wedding (~30). We went to the guests instead of them coming to us by walking around and talking to the guests at each table.
We had 18 at our wedding (we only wanted ourselves; our parents intervened). I suggest that you promise yourself you'll make an effort to talk to everyone individually just once - we had dinner at a big table and my husband and I got up and made a round - and reassure yourself that otherwise it'll be okay and you're just there to have fun and get married to your best friend. Everyone will know it's a big day and you're going to be distracted, and will be understanding. So try not to worry about it!
I'm similar and also had a small wedding (like 30-40 people). Besides the "walking down the aisle" part, I didn't really notice anyone looking at me. I was focused on my spouse and the ceremony. Definitely just skip what feels like it will be embarrassing for you. I did not throw a bouquet or shove cake in his face. Not for me!
Could you do the legal bit just the two of you, and then celebrate with the 25 afterward? Then the guests can be distracted by food/drinks/other guests. Or wear a big fancy hat so you can only see your beloved.
I stutter, and while I’m usually okay in conversation when I can switch out words if they feel like problems, having to recite anything is always awful, especially if I can feel people looking at me, so I’ve thought about this a lot over the years.
Congratulations, whenever you head down the aisle!
I loathe vows, so we didn't do them - we had a friend do an instrumental version of Queen's Best Friend, and played that instead - it was 3 sentences - "i love you, i want to spend my life with you, so i say yes to you" then music. ceremony was 10 minutes. party was 5 hours.
Congratulations! We also had a small wedding (and it was kind of on accident but we loved it, we had 60 including us). We did a first look ahead of time and did all photos ahead of time including with family. We buffered our schedule and it allowed us to have 10 minutes of uninterrupted time alone after the ceremony to have apps and a drink alone and be all 'omg we just got married'.
During the reception, we did what was called a 'rockstar receiving line' during cocktail hour. Everyone came to us (if they wanted) and we got photos with everyone. It was super casual and way less awkward than going table to table. We also ate alone at a sweetheart table so we didnt have to talk to people if we wanted and we could eat. Oh, and we also did brunch for dinner and it was awesome and people still talk about it 10 years later.
It can be whatever you want it to be (I also kinda hate being the center of attention) and if that means a private ceremony with 2 people and then a party after with the 25, that is fine! Those who want to support you and be there will make it work to make sure you're comfortable (remember its about you and its allowed to be so you're allowed to make the day as comfortable for you as possible - if that means a lot of breaks or a seperate room that you step out to for 10 minutes to reset, etc).
Is there anyone in that group of 25 whose presence brings you more comfort than pressure? I’m trying to talk around this but usually, I mean: a dear friend, not a family member. If so, maybe have them sit prominently visible from the aisle for the ceremony, or seat them close to you at the reception.
Focusing on your partner is great advice but they may also get swept away into talking to people, and having another comforting face/person in the crowd who understands what you need (and maybe can even sweep you away for a five-min introvert break) could be a big help. And is a great way for friends to feel like they’re supporting you!
My daughter and her husband got married by a magistrate with just my husband and me, his parents, and our son as witnesses, then had a celebratory dinner a few hours later that added about ten of their friends. It was lovely! If splitting up the marrying and the party is an option, I would definitely recommend.
first of all, mazel tov, and ten thousand years of health and happiness to you both!! i hope your wedding is great and an amazing memory for you...but (as someone whose wedding was frustrating and maddening and disappointing on so many levels BUT who just celebrated 20 happily married years with the same person): (whispers) ...it's okay if it isn't. it still counts! it's a weird and crazy day of heightened emotions all around! some things might not happen like you'd planned! be kind and patient with yourself and your partner, and *whatever* happens, in a few hours your wedding'll be over and then you're just MARRIED fshew!!!
also, sidebar, i had a friend who was one of six kids in a big midwestern italian catholic family, three of whom were gay (and this was in the late 80s / 1990s, when not everyone could get married), so her wedding was a biiiiig churchy over the top affair, kind of as a favor to her (lovely) mom--many attendants, enormous leg o mutton sleeves, giant veil... and then they had a new wedding every five years (really a vow renewal, but). once was a drive through in vegas, in a red minidress with a black cowl, drinking champagne in a limo at 10am with four of her brothers...once was sunrise on a beach in hawaii, just with the two of them...so they could have basically every kind of wedding they wanted. which i always thought was a lovely idea, until i actually had a wedding and realized oh i don't want to EVER do that again. (full disclosure, my friend has since passed away, but, not due to anything wedding related; you'll be fine!) anyway, something to consider...
I don't have advice, but a story. I was in the midst of some anxiety issues related to having all eyes on me when I got married 13 years ago, and in our video you can def see me hyperventilating during the pastor's opening remarks. But the second my dad handed me off to my partner and I was holding his hands and looking at him, I absolutely felt like I was okay and I could do this, and got through the rest of the ceremony/party no problem. Good luck to you, and congrats!
my highly difficult in-laws, who live thousands of miles away in a wildfire-prone area, are spooked by what is happening and are talking about moving near me and my husband, their only child. we want my in-laws to be safe, but neither of us want them to live near us!!!! the fragile peace of the extended family is only preserved by distance. how do you even start to have that conversation with someone?
I do know there are a lot of wildfire mitigation strategies that homeowners can put in place. Have they looked into those at all? Perhaps you can start just with that? Wildfires are terrifying, but it is possible to protect yourself from them at least somewhat.
If they talk to an expert, they can also understand their particular place's risk. A valley is going to be different than a plain, for instance. There are a lot of factors that decide wildfire risk beyond being in SoCal, for instance.
they're pretty well-versed in this stuff already -- I think part of the problem is that someone they know who also nerds out about disaster preparedness lost their house in the Palisades fire. :/ but thank you, I could see this working for others in my situation!
Depending on what their life is like, bring up how disorienting it would be to move across the country at their age? Losing the friends they have, the routines, etc? The fact that the ONLY people they would know would be you and your husband? Specific to them...no area is really "safe" from natural disasters. If you aren't in a fire prone area (which can happen in alot of places thought to be "safe"), then you're likely in a tornado or flood prone area.
Eveyone's situation is different but those were the things that dissuaded my parents from moving to where I live.
This might help! neither of them have ever lived anywhere other than their hometown, so it might work. We can always try it! And, yes, the area we live in is known for tornadoes and also blizzards.
If they are in a no-blizzard place currently I might also raise concerns about ice. My parents are well-prepared for severe winter weather, but as they get older and falls become more of a concern, the extra caution required now seems to wear on them more than the actual cold temps or snowfall.
But there's also a right window for people to move across the country for the parents to have a decent quality of life. It's a tricky needle to thread especially when there is only one child. At some point, they are going to need more help that living 1,000 miles away makes extremely difficult. And I know from personal experience with my grandparents that the plan needs to be hammered out well before that point happens. Though, it might be easier when you do not have to deal with siblings, spouses, and all those opinions.
Totally agree. In my case, I am an only child and had we had the conversation of them moving 15 years before we did it may have turned out differently. In their case the disruption to their lives, combined with the fact that we do have close family still where they live meant that staying was a viable option. But dealing with the issues they have at this stage of their lives from, in my case, 300 miles away does add a level of difficulty that wouldn't be there if they were 30 minutes away. There are tradeoffs.
I have 3 siblings and only one living parent. My mother has not yet put forth a plan as to what she wants. Which is forcing me to make up my own plan for when she needs additional care. I need to find out a way to tell her "I am not going to be your caretaker if you make my older brother your POA" without causing a problem.
part of the problem is that it feels like we teeter on the edge of estrangement a lot with them, so whether or not we will be involved in their eldercare is an open question. who would do it if we don't? I have no idea. there isn't anyone else. but they've thrown temper tantrums and threatened to cut us off before. (then they pretend it didn't happen; the whole thing is extremely "narcissist's prayer.")
I do understand. I am the eldest daughter of an emotionally immature adult who heavily favors my older brother. My brother knows how much he can get away with when it comes to her and milks it. This leaves me being the one to do all of the heavy lifting. I have zero intentions of being her caretaker in a decade or two, I just haven't found a way to inform her or him.
ugh, these things are really hard! the in-laws do say they're financially ready to support themselves through retirement and have long-term care insurance, but even if all that's true and they wouldn't need financial help at all, I could definitely see them needing someone to manage their care and appointments and bank accounts and so forth. :/
Siblings definitely can complicate those conversations! I have a good relationship with my parents but am borderline estranged from my siblings and this is making responding to my mother's Alzheimer's diagnosis late in 2024 collectively harder.
I think letting them know that moving is their decision, and setting the boundaries for what you are willing to take on (how often to see them etc) BEFORE they move is important. And ultimately, if that doesn't work for you - it is ok to choose not to care for them. It sounds harsh and comes with its own baggage, but put your own mask on first, so to say.
Agreed. Any of us who think we can avoid climate-weirding disasters are fooling ourselves.
When we bought a house, I pored obsessively over flood maps, including SLOSH (hurricane-wind-blown) flood maps, and climate change coastal predictions, going pretty deep because that's my thing. We bought a wonderful house that's not a flood risk (she said, just inviting the gods to make mischief)... but we've gotten a lengthy tornado warning, huddled in our shelter for hours, every single year. We are decidedly not in Tornado Alley (which btw has shifted east).
And wildfire is becoming a thing here, even though it's green and soggy mushroom-growing weather much of the year.
My personal recommendation is to do a lot of listening and not a lot of talking or providing solutions or advice unless specifically asked. Likely they are trying to process a lot of fears and feelings and don’t know what to do with them right now. In this way, you avoid doing anything that you really don’t want to do but can also be an open and kind sounding board. Most people don’t want their problems solved, they just want to be heard.
well, this just happened to me. My darling husband's terrible mom needed to move into a senior facility, and she was a hour, sometimes 2 away in traffic. I would suggest having them stay in a vrbo or hotel or something for a week, trying out the area first. My MIL lives near us now, but kind of hates it (its only been a month, we'll see) and is constantly telling us how awful our city is (those murals, ew..a thing she said.) We are also working out boundaries. A recap text or call once a day instead of 10+, only weekend visits for now, call before you come. I share your pain. I think talking it out will help. That said, having my MIL live in a nearish town but NOT our town worked out for 14 years. That's an option too.
Oh no, we are not kind. Things we didn't think about like "where do I get toothpaste?" etc. She has never shopped online I guess. We had to move quickly because she decided to move in a MONTH (when you ask? Over our Christmas break.) So a lot of the clean-up stuff we are doing now. She is narcissistic, and we've always kept her at arm's length, but my BIL has peaced out for good reason. We are trying to do the best we can, and the facility handles almost everything. We'd have given her a tour first, showed her where to shop, done a lot of things differently. We are learning the hard way. We used to see her once a month or every two months, when she lived a few towns away.
I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how well Tiffany sterling silver jewelry holds up? Their yellow gold is out of my price range, but I’m looking at one of their Hardwear sterling silver bracelets to mark a milestone and in memory of a lost loved one, but I’m nervous about how it will hold up against tarnishing long-term (I know Tiffany offers lifetime cleaning).
I got a sterling silver chain link bracelet as a graduation gift 25 years ago and its in amazing shape. And I haven't even been cleaning it. I say go for it!
I have the sterling silver small ball bracelet & earrings set from ~2003 I used to wear all the time and they've barely tarnished and the posts are still firmly attached. They sat a bit in a box at one point but a quick rub with a polish cloth from Amazon cleaned them right back up.
If you're thinking about the charm bracelets, though, a word of warning: I had one which I wore constantly all the time, and ended up losing all the charms one after another, which was extremely frustrating and heartbreaking. IMO, they're not welded well to the piece, and easily wrenched off.
I got a sterling silver crucifix pendant as a gift over 20 years ago, and I've never had to have it cleaned. It came in a special little Tiffany blue pouch that's supposed to keep it from tarnishing, and I'd still be keeping it in there if that darn thing hadn't fallen apart by now.
All of mine from early 2000s is holding up great. Except for a necklace, I rarely wear the rest these days as they don't fit my lifestyle but they always looks good. I've been thinking about getting a venetian link bracelet. Although the price is much higher than when I first thought about it 20 years ago!
I worked at Tiffany and bought that bracelet 3 years ago and it has not yet tarnished. They do sell silver polishing cloths as well for quick touch ups. Enjoy
Engrossing and/or comforting TV shows where no one gets pregnant? Coming up on two and a half years of secondary infertility and I’m just about hanging in there but would love to have something ready to dive into that’s safe for the harder moments.
Thank you ❤️ I’m sorry you’ve been there too, it’s a strange and sad path to shuffle along. We have hulu, apple, amazon, and just restarted hbo for the pitt after rage-quitting it over sesame street
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you love.
On Hulu, I love Justified and its spin-off, City Primeval. On Max, I think Gossip Girl is still there but if not its gone to netflix (the original, not the reboot). I just also watched the Harry Potter Baking Challenge over the holidays and it was delightful.
I'm so glad that you're watching The Pitt, I love it too. :) On Amazon, I'm a big fan of Jack Ryan, if you haven't watched it. John Krazinski in something that isn't the office is well, sexy. :D
Are the Great Pottery Throwdown seasons still on Max? If you haven’t watched that, it might be a great diversion.
Also, The Summer I Turned Pretty on Amazon, and their A League of Their Own series. If you get Netflix, Outer Banks! Big dumb treasure hunting fun/drama. -H
That is my favorite show of the last few years, and so comforting. However, there is a plot line in season 3 where a character struggles with accepting that he will not have children. The reasons are not related to fertility, but life choices and circumstances. Beautifully handled and life affirming, but good to be aware of.
I also wanted to send ❤️ Your question made me think how this is ever-present on so many shows, which can be such a challenge when you need an escape.
Despite being a procedural, I find that "Elementary" on Hulu with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu can be a cozy watch. Johnny is quirky and so much fun as Sherlock, and he and Lucy (as Watson) have really great chemistry together. There are seven seasons so plenty of episodes to watch, but no complicated mythology that you need to keep track of.
You are so welcome! Since you've already seen Elementary (I love it so too!) a fun, silly show to try is The Circle on Netflix. It's weirdly addicting watching people communicating only through online chats and hashtags.
They really do pop up out of nowhere, don't they!? Loot on AppleTV is very fun and pregnancy-free. I just did a mindless watch of Suits and it is also baby-free for the first 5 seasons. Ted Lasso has a character considering having a child but I don't think there is any pregnancy. Parks and Rec and stop at season 5? Happy Endings has baby discussions but no pregnancy. The first three seasons of The West Wing. The first three seasons of sex and the city. What I'm realizing is that the first few seasons of most series are safe, and then they love a plot twist. Which can be hard when you're waiting on your own plot twist. I've been there - sending you all of the calming vibes.
If you can handle subtitles, Because This Is My First Life is on Netflix. It's a thoughtful romance with some humor. I liked it because the leads have a friend group and the stakes are important but not total melodrama. More like what kind of relationship do I want, what kind of career, is being emotionally safe more important than taking a risk. Etc. Most important of all, no serial killer plot!
May I suggest K-Dramas? For light, low-ish stakes, young romance I suggest Weightlifting Fair Kim Bok-joo, Twenty-five/Twenty-one, and the runaway hit from last year, Lovely Runner. Megahits from the last 5 years or so like Vincenzo and Crash Landing on You are fun, a little silly (in a good way), but highly entertaining. My favorite thing about K-Dramas is the thing that probably annoys a lot of people about them: subtitles. Not knowing Korean means you really have to pay attention to what’s on screen and not be doom scrolling on your phone while watching. And there are times where you just need something that will force you away from *gestures wildly* all that’s going on.
Also, Never Have I Ever on Netflix was great, even if the initial premise (that was soon abandoned, thank God) was a little iffy. I loved the relationships among the extended family of Vishwakumar ladies.
Culinary Class Wars, a Korean cooking reality show on Netflix was also fantastic. I was surprised how invested I got in the contestants?
I second Abbott Elementary. Also loving the new series High Potential (the mom has kids but there's no pregnancy story line). I second Suits as well.
In a different vein, go back and binge Great British Baking Show or Queer Eye?
We just rewatched The Night Agent in anticipation of season two coming out here in a week or so...very engrossing, not a pregnancy (or child) in sight.
Sending you all the love and grace for your journey, however it goes.
This is where I suggest getting really into old seasons of Survivor if you didn't watch them the first time around. Paramount+ has ALL of them. (I did this during the pandemic and it was so diverting.) - J
For non-fiction type shows (which might be a good way to avoid any potential focus on pregnancy): If you haven't watched Blown Away I'd add that to the GBBO/Pottery Throwdown. I'm also a fan of Grand Designs. There's also a whole set of Edwardian Farm/Victorian Farm/Wartime Farm that have historical experts living in historic homes trying to replicate everything about that lifestyle-- how they did laundry, and ate, and worked, etc.
On Max, I mostly enjoy "The Sex Lives of College Girls". It's pretty silly and funny and although it obviously talks about sex I can't think of any pregnancy story lines. You'd have a few seasons to go back through too if you haven't seen it.
I also love "Somebody, Somewhere". It's so amazing. No one is pregnant on the show, but there is a storyline of a gay character who wanted to be a dad and might not be. Just in case that might still be upsetting for you.
On Hulu, the show "Extraordinary" has two really funny seasons. About an alternative world where people get a superpower at the age of 18, but the main character hasn't gotten one and tries to figure out why. It's also very funny and I can't think of any pregnancy storylines.
Apple for some reason has several shows with people who wanted to get pregnant and couldn't. I'm stumped to think of suggestion there.
Haven't seen anyone add in this yet, but k-dramas! Saved me in my pandemic summer of funemployment when I couldn't leave the house. Crash Landing on You is the OG and super comforting, funny, romantic - different types of love but no pregnancies. In fact I've rarely seen pregnancies mentioned in k-dramas. Also wonderful: Hospital Playlist (more realistic/slice of life), Business Proposal (Hijinks, romcom), Fight for my way (friends to lovers). Each of these is like a warm hug on a cold day.
Anyone have advice on vegan cupcakes that can be bought a chain grocery store? We have an allergy and cupcakes have been the hardest to locate item. If I can avoid baking myself I'd prefer it!
As a mom of a vegan, I hear you - many vegan recipes are overly complicated with odd ingredients. But these have been a lifesaver. Ridiculously easy (less time than driving to the store), and so good they're now my go-to chocolate cupcakes, regardless of whether vegan is required.
1½ c. flour
1 c. sugar
1/3 c. cocoa
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp chili powder or cayenne
½ tsp salt
1 cup water
½ c. vegetable oil
2 tsp pure vanilla
2 tbsp white vinegar
In large bowl whisk together dry ingredients. In separate bowl, whisk water, oil, vanilla & vinegar. Pour wet mixture into dry mixture and whisk until just combined. Divide batter among 12 paper-lined muffin cups. Bake at 350°F for 15-20 minutes, until toothpick comes out clean. Let cool completely in pan. Serve with sliced strawberries or mangos.
If you're not averse to 'easy' baking, the Duncan Hines mixes were usually allergy friendly. I was also a big fan of rice krispies treats for birthdays as they are usually vegan (storebought) or could easily be made with coconut oil if homemade.
Smuckers Marshmallow Topping and Suzanne's Ricemellow Creme. Smuckers is probably the easiest to find.
Most other are vegetarian if not vegan (as you note, eggs, but not gelatin). I've also seen easy recipes for making your own with aquafaba and sugar, but I've never tried it (I have used aquafaba for an egg white sub in other things, and it's worked just fine).
I've seen "no allergen" mini cupcakes in my grocery store. Near the sliced breads, some have a cartoon owl on them I think. Not sure if they're vegan, but they could be?
Oh those are the "school safe" ones, which is meaningless marketing. Those always still have eggs (they are maybe nut free or something). It's annoying because I think a lot people think they are vegan but they are not.
We love Abe's, but for whatever reason our area mostly only has the muffins. I'm aware they have cupcakes but I hardly ever find them. I'll look for Rubicon though! Thank you!
How to enjoy life and get through work despite burnout and frustration?
At 31 I finished grad school and finally have my first big girl job with the federal government. It's been a horrendous first six months full of interpersonal issues I've never had in other jobs. I started out as an interm with a team that's a narcissist personality cult and turned on me when I failed a loyalty test.
Then I got hired into an office that I feel has better leadership, but ended up as the only woman on a team with a bully who has verbally humiliated me in front of the team numerous times. I spent December on a temporary team to create distance (thanks to leadership, and it will look good on my resume), and now my supervisors have decided the best course of action is for me to change teams....but I have a mandatory month long course to finish first.
I'm just exhausted at this point. I'm super qualified for the jobs here, more so than most new hires. I love the actual work. But I've now had to learn THREE positions in six months, and will be learning another, one with a potentially huge learning curve. On top of it, I moved for the position, so my typical support structures aren't here. I'm also coming off of four years of intense chronic health issues (which magically resolved upon moving, but I'm still dealing with the after affects, like recurring shingles).
All in all: I know there aren't easy solutions, but I know there's a decent chance the new team will be free from severe issues. How to get through and keep pushing when I've got nothing left in the tank? How have y'all survived valleys in your careers?
I am so sorry you’ve had to navigate this at work and far from your usual support structures, at that. Do you have a therapist? Who do you normally turn to for comfort? Can you ask them for a daily 15 minute unload phone call? It’s okay to be needy - just know that. No shame or judgement for needing people and needing support.
You’re doing excellent work and remember that this is only temporary. 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵
Therapist has been found, and I'm regularly chatting with my parents and good friends. Thanks for the reminder that I'm doing what I should be. I know I've been through harder, it's just tough coming after a string of very difficult years.
One thing I’ve gotten from Carolyn Hax is to either zoom way in and just focus on baby steps, getting through small increments of time, or way out and thinking about how insignificant current problems are in the grand scope of things.
Usually when I’m trying to zoom out I go to a museum or near water, so I can remind myself that everyone’s had similar problems over the course of humanity or that we’re all connected (and several family members had water burials, so I like to think that’s where they’re hanging out now).
So maybe spending your non-work time looking for ‘your’ place in your new town might distract you from work, and you’ll hopefully find a place that restores you.
I love the zoom in zoom out. I've got some great joints around town already (I managed to move somewhere pretty amazing, so that's a boon), so I'll keep that in mind when I visit. Even in the scope of my own life, this is so doable, it's just hard to remember when I'm stuck in it. Thank you!
This sounds really miserable. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. When my job has been rough, I've really focused on my life outside of work, mainly by digging into a hobby. You could also try finding a club or group or activity in your area around something you enjoy, like cooking, gardening, birding, whatever. Do basically the minimum at work and give yourself something to look forward to when you get home.
That's been my most recent realization! I've been sick a lot, so it's been hard, but I have a club I'm thinking of joining, an occasional volunteer gig, a couple busier volunteer gigs I'm going to apply to, and have continued shopping for a church that feels right for the non-religious community-seeker I am. Thank you so much! Outside work self is so important, and I really lost track.
Totally free to disregard if you want, but have you looked at the Unitarian Universalist Church? They're explicitly very welcoming of people of any or no religious beliefs (as well as gender and sexual orientation, race, etc.), and it shows in the services at the church I attend.
I did! Ours is very small here, and very very partisan. I was also the only person under 50 or so. I've got a lead on an Episcopalian church near me that has a jazz service though. Maybe that will be cool?
I am treading very carefully with this response because I know that having enough time to volunteer is a privilege that most people don't have but volunteering at a local garden in my community is what got me through a miserable period in my own career. It wasn't just the physical labor in the garden, it was also being able to talk with the other volunteers and that community remains one of the most important parts of my life.
That's a great concept! Luckily because it's a federal job and I'm single with no kids, I've got time to spare. I've gotten into plants and a community garden sounds like such a great idea! I'll look into some in my area.
Gardening is what saved me after a bruising tenure review (I'm a professor) a decade ago. I also recommend reading Sue Stuart-Smith's The Well Gardened Mind- she's a psychologist who is married to a garden designer and she researched the physical/chemical impact that being around plants has on our minds.
Literally searching up good opportunities around me right after this! I'm also close to a couple botanical gardens, which I figure might have some similar volunteer opportunities.
I'm an executive coach, so I will say I totally agree with zoom in/zoom out and also, when you're zooming out, remind yourself that there is an end in sight. You've got the new (hopefully better) team out there on the horizon.
It's sort of like therapists, in the sense that fit matters. I will sometimes talk to people and hear their goals and say, "I don't think we're perfect for each other, but I have a colleague in my network who I think is a good fit for you", and colleagues refer clients to me as well. I don't have a magic manual for finding one. People who have found me "cold" have found me on LinkedIn. Most of my business is referrals, though. Maybe ask around.
Big credentialers like ICF have resources (https://coachingfederation.org/find-a-coach) but that said, that's only people certified through them and you pay a premium. Lots of us out here who got credentialed elsewhere.
Happy to chat to help get you started if you want.
Literally today got to join a coaching circle that's happening with a few women in building that starts tomorrow! I'm very excited to build some stronger connections with people throughout my building at various stages in their careers.
It was amazing! Very open and safe, and the coach is very very high level, so it's tangentially good networking as well. Mostly listened this time around, but so excited to have a stronger support network at work, and to learn more about being a "coach-like leader".
Speaking from experience, one of the best ways of finding friends and a support system when you move to a new place is by joining a choir. You get to meet new people and work together on creating something beautiful. And I swear regular singing is good for your physical as well as your mental health!
I actually love singing and was in a community choir a few years ago in the second-to-last place I lived that I loved! I made a stab at joining a church choir but it was too political. Thank you for the motivation to keep looking!
I'm so sorry to hear this - I was in the same position, taking my first "real" job at 32 after finishing grad school. Everyone else has given you good advice on how to deal with that element of your question, so I wanted to bring up the bullying issue. One, and I cannot emphasize this enough, LOG EVERY INTERACTION. Date, time, details, other people present, what was said. Save any email they send you that is problematic, and save it to your private account. When something happens, send yourself an email about it as soon as you can, and send to your PRIVATE email account so that you have records. Two, if the person begins to bully you in private - the person who did this to me would bully me in one-on-one meetings and then claim that the interactions had never happened - log the interaction, and if you start to feel REALLY unsafe, ask for someone - even someone from HR - to be present in the meetings so that you're not alone. The bully is less likely to say what they would otherwise with someone else there. Finally, to help you get through your day to day interactions with this person, look into "gray rocking": https://www.vogue.com/article/what-is-the-gray-rock-technique Keep your responses minimal; share nothing personal; limit your exposure to them as much as possible.
Depending on where you live, you should look into whether you need two-party consent to record conversations. If you don't, you can privately record conversations with the bully so you have an unassailable record of their behavior. If it is a two-party state, take your phone out and say, I would like to record this conversation so that I make sure I know exactly what we spoke of and so that I can action everything appropriately. That will either scare them into not bullying you or (honestly, this does happen!) they'll just do it anyway and you'll have a voice record of the incident.
Thank you! I've been documenting documenting and will make backup copies as soon as I'm in to work today. He's only been bad in front of other people so far (I think it's to discredit/humiliate me?). Unfortunately I'm in a workplace where I can't record. Luckily I haven't had to work directly with him for 6 weeks or so, although he'll still find opportunity if we run into each other. Literally told me it was impossible that I was working on my current team...despite me literally working there?
Most likely on the new team we'll have very little contact. If it continues, however, I will be going formal with my complaint. If not, I'll have a big "I effin told you so" when he's horrible to someone else. I get the worst, but he's just a general bully. My leadership keeps characterizing it as a personality mismatch. It's only that because I'm not willing to be belittled so he can put me through the typical hazing process (he's former military).
I'm so sorry you went through something similar. Weirdly it makes me feel better. I haven't worked in an office, but I have had so many jobs, and none have been this kind of rough. I thought coming in more experienced would be an advantage, but sometimes it feels like it's just made me a bigger target because I'm more competitive with the long-term hires and have certain expertise that they don't and can't have. Not happy it's happened to others, but it helps it feel less personal.
These recommendations on the main GFY website have helped me plan my trip to Portugal. (I've saved old links and referred to them.) One person recommended Pestana Hotels, which I've booked. Another person suggested three days in Lisbon, three days in Lagos and three days in Porto -- and I'm doing that (with an extra day in Lisbon). So, my question: is there a good tour company to take for the Duoro Valley? Thanks y'all! Thinking of everyone in LA.
I don't know about Duoro Valley specifically, but I've had great experiences on tours in other cities using Viator.
Thank you! It looks like they have great options.
Former AAA employee who booked domestic travel but worked with the international agents - they use Viator themselves. I’ve used it in Hawaii and Ireland, excellent both times.
Jessica, last summer my family did the Douro Valley 3 Wine Experiences with Lunch & Optional Boat Cruise on Viator, and it was absolutely lovely. We also really enjoyed our Eating Europe Undiscovered Lisbon Food & Wine Tour, and I highly recommend Casa Guedes in Porto for a great meal! We loved our time in Portugal, and I hope you do too!
Thanks! These are great ideas.
We are going to Portugal in April and I can't wait! I'm glad to hear about the Undiscovered Lisbon Food & Wine Tour because that's on our list!
These recommendations are helpful! Someone recommended Glasgow over staying in Edinburgh to someone else last summer, but my mom and I were in the early stages of planning a trip to Scotland and wound up following that advice.
Have fun in Portugal!
Hi. Where do you all go to vet your charities and non-profits? How do you know if they're up to [no] good? And also, what is the wisdom on donating to a GoFundMe vs a 501(c)3?
A Go Fund Me is just an individual or family asking for monetary donations; whether it is needed/warranted doesn't matter, and there are no real rules or oversight. People can set them up easily for a myriad of reasons. Whereas a vetted organization has more accountability and obviously can help more people as it is not just focused on the one person or family in need. Please refer to the link below for organizations that are vetted doing a lot of good work right now for the people (and animals) affected: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/how-to-help-victims-los-angeles-wildfires-rcna187274?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
I also just learned that GoFundMe and its ilk could inadvertently disqualify someone from FEMA assistance; I really hope people setting those up on behalf of someone else are being super careful about what they say. If it’s specifically “help X rebuild” then it really might be an issue: https://www.fema.gov/node/if-i-receive-donations-gofundme-page-or-something-similar-fema-will-not-help-me
Yikes!
I agree. I have a friend from elementary school who had one made for them but I didn’t look at the language to know if they’re going to be in trouble later.
Charity Navigator is a good place! Otherwise, if you know people that volunteer in your community, I find that's always a good way to find well-run local charities (they'll be able to see behind the scenes!) that can have the most bang for your buck donation-wise.
Donations to a 501(c)(3) are tax-deductible if you itemize, etc.
They're also more likely to qualify for employer match programs.
501(c)3 non profits are also required (with some exceptions if they make very little income) to submit 990 forms to the IRS each year, which lists all their income, expenses, etc., including how much they spent on fundraising and the salaries for their six highest paid employees. If they're good they usually post it on their website. Religious organizations don't have to do this (since they're usually not 501(c)3 orgs.
I'll get started on the not-serious asks, albeit with a longshot. Does anyone have suggestions for a really warm yarn and/or a knitting pattern for a really warm hat?
Since moving to a cold and windy place, my handknit hats are insufficient -- the wind just goes through them. My only decently warm hat is a branded one from my work, and I'd like to not rep my employer sometimes.
Ysolda Teague's Musselburgh hat (https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/musselburgh)! Knit it in a fingering-weight alpaca or yak blend, both of which are insanely warm fibers (but both also don't have a ton of elasticity, thus the preference for a blend with wool).
Ah, this looks perfect! It's basically the same as my work hat. Thank you!
I love this pattern and am knitting my third right now!
There's the classic Very Warm Hat: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/very-warm-hat
Malabrigo!!!!! SUCH pretty colorways and SUCH warm chunky yarn. I live in the frozen north and my hats from the heavier weights of Malabrigo are awesome.
I looove Malabrigo.
There is always the option to line an existing hat with fleece for added warmth. The internet abounds with instructions.
Yes, this is my next step if necessary. Definitely the best for blocking wind!
I've made multiples of the Classic Cuffed Hat from Purl Soho, easy to knit and the yarn is inexpensive (you can use any worsted wool, I like Cascade 220)
https://www.purlsoho.com/create/2014/10/22/classic-cuffed-hat/
Thank you!
Any stranded colorwork hat, such as the ones from Shetland wool week will give you added insulation because you are in effect creating two layers of yarn when you are knitting with two colors. Shetland wool is quite warm when knitted that way. And lovely!
That's good to know. Thank you!
Look for alpaca or alpaca blend yarns, alpaca is lightweight and oh so warm. It can grow, though, so a blend or holding it with a strand of silk or wool lace weight, maybe something with a haze? Is lovely. I’m about to treat myself to yarn for the Sophie Hood, since hats tend to fall off my head. It’s a scarf/hood combo, maybe you’ll like it
This has been my winter hat here in the Northeast for many years now:
https://www.churchmouseyarns.com/products/boyfriend-watch-cap-pattern?_pos=1&_sid=8beb67354&_ss=r&variant=344595487
I made it with a very cozy, spongy alpaca yarn (unfortunately don't remember brand).
Alpaca is my favorite fiber for softness and warmth, and he deep foldover brim-style keeps my ears nice and warm (you can probably find a similar style pattern for free on Ravelry).
FWIW: the best place in Austin to take seven people for an anniversary dinner if four of them are vegans and two of them hate vegetables is Eldorado Cafe. Make a reservation ahead of time, and thank me later.
I LOVE that place, and concur.
Ooh, that is not at all convenient for me and looks totally worth it!
Had lunch there with a friend yesterday, and it was so good! They had me at six house-made salsas…🥵😋
Question - does anyone know of any places accepting donations in NY to support LA victims? Might be a bit of a stretch but I am going to do a spring clean and will have lots of clothes (including professional clothing)/ kitchen/ home items to donate. Happy to donate to other deserving causes also, but this seemed the most urgent need!
https://www.instagram.com/p/DEyJTetORvf/?igsh=YXY5enh1MGlmNnM1
Being in LA, I can say we're overwhelmed with clothes donations. Cash is best at this time, and community needs will become clearer as time moves on. Gathering items in other locations and shipping them here doesn't seem like the best use - I'd encourage you to find an org in NY that can use your items locally. Thank you so much for wanting to help!
I met a young woman last week whose family lives between Boone and Asheville NC. She told me they were lucky because her step-father rigged up an outdoor shower where the family (including her 86 year old grandmother) and neighbors can take hot showers once or twice a week. Since September. In the winter. In the outdoor parking lot. We've been sending things to NC; that might be an option until we know what people in CA are going to really need.
If anyone is looking for more celebrity b.s. content as an escape, this thread from Faux Moi on celebrity moments you recall but can't find a record of anymore is a scream. It's a fun dig into pop culture, the internet and our psyches:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Fauxmoi/comments/1i07eeb/whats_a_celebrity_moment_you_swear_happened_but/
Thinking of all of you in LA. This is heartbreaking.
My ask: Anyone have recommendations for how to get a 10-year-old boy to gain weight? His ADHD meds are suppressing his appetite so "eat more" isn't cutting it.
So my 11 year old has the same issue. After many years we have finally put her on an appetite stimulant and it seems to be working. She gained 7 pounds in the last year. I will also add that her doctor told her to eat more ice cream and she took that as the most sound medical advice ever recieved. Good luck!!
I can't tell you yet if it works because it's only been two weeks but we've been having my very small 10 year old drink a Boost (or Ensure, he just prefers Boost) extra calories extra protein drink every night.
Ditto with Orgain here! -H
We had this trouble when my now 11-year-old was diagnosed and started meds. In addition to the below (Boost/Ensure/Orgain kids protein shakes), I recommend Kids Eat in Color (https://www.instagram.com/kids.eat.in.color/) - she has some excellent resources on how to get calories in. Not joking when I say we started putting heavy cream on his cereal instead of milk.
https://kidseatincolor.com/6-ways-to-add-calories-to-your-childs-food/
Very different context, but I spent seven years doing nutrition education for folks with chronic diagnoses where the condition and or the meds suppressed appetite in different ways, and calories in drinks were often the game changer. Good luck, kids and food is a stressful combo, you’re doing great ❤️
We had this issue when my son was little too. The doctors gave us a list of recommendations that looked like an anti diet. Tuna in oil, not water. Butter ALL the sandwiches. Full fat Mayo on everything. Nutella for breakfast. Pizza at every meal. Bananas and cream as a bedtime snack. Good luck, this is a tough one.
“Butter that bacon, boy,” per Homer Simpson.
Our doctor also said to gauge whether they actually ate more if we let them eat smaller meals and snacks a lot versus having them wait and sit down to one meal they might pick at. -H
+1 - our 12 yr old seems to 'feel' his appetite most at night so the hours of 4-8pm are a constant snack fest. We try to ensure protein/fruit make it into his choices but otherwise if he wants to eat we let him eat.
My two small boys with celiac both really like the Builders Protein bars in chocolate mint flavor. The whole family agrees that the chocolate peanut butter bars are gross.
Celiac here who concurs, those are great! Also, Fairlife makes protein drinks, and their Core Power drinks have 42 grams of protein. I'll put that on cereal sometimes for a snack. That's more about getting protein in than calories, though, but perhaps it'll help someone as an idea.
Fairlife chocolate protein drink is so good!!!
We made sure our son ate a big healthy breakfast before taking his meds, then encouraged him to have "second dinner" a little later in the evening (like 7:30 or so) after his meds wore off and he was feeling a bit hungry.
I have my own issues around eating/weight, so I worried about making anything food-related into a "thing." So we talked about fueling his body with nutrition versus making it about being "too skinny."
if he likes chocolate we had luck with milkshakes, Fairlife chocolate milk, and I made Nutella on Ritz crackers for school snacks. Also when and if they are hungry at night, let him keep eating even though it's driving you nuts.
Oh! JIF and Peanut Butter & Co both make chocolate peanut butter that has the protein (and fat) of peanut butter but tastes like a Reese’s. So good, both of them.
Fairlife Chocolate Milk is delicious. We are also fans of CorePower’s Vanilla Protein Shakes (made with Fairlife milk) and they help with my picky-eater son
I support WCK anyway—José Andrés needs to win a Nobel Peace Prize for his essential, fantastic work—but I just set up a recurring donation, hoping it will be more useful than one lump sum at the end of the years like I usually do.
This is my semi-annual plea to set up regular, even if small, donations to your favorite charity. They usually get a big dump of money in times of crisis, which of course is wonderfully useful, but then the funds trickle out and they have nothing to keep them going the rest of the year. Thanks!
I do this for the NNACP. Progress is slow and steady.
NAACP. I cannot type lately.
Agree!. A $10 (or more if you're able!) a month gift every month is more important than alot of people think.
I also find the monthly donations easier to do financially than doing one big one at the end of the year- I have three I do that with (WCK, Room to Read and the International Institute of New England which helps with resettling refugees in New England) and it doesn't affect my monthly budget all that much.
I've actually switched to quarterly donations instead of monthly for anything I was giving less than $50. I was advised to do this because credit card processing fees and just general management can eat up $10 almost faster than they can receive it. But, if you give slightly more the cc fees may get capped (depending on their processor), but also the person on the other end who is inputting things only does it once and you are saving them some time which =money. I've got several charities that I donate too and have them on different rotating quarterly schedule, so the impact to me monthly is the same.
I have monthly donations to Abortion Funds which helps people who need an abortion and the Abortion Care Network which helps the independent clinics.
I work in the non profit space and am VERY picky to whom i donate - and WCK is universally acknowledged as one of the best.
The Fauxmoi discussion of least discussed celeb relationships is a perfect brain break. However, Cameron Diaz & Justin Timberlake and Jake Gyllenhaal & Kirsten Dunst being listed as "whoa, that happened!?" makes me feel 8,000 years old.
HARD same.
😳
Both couples were together for multiple years!
I actually think Justin’s “FutureSex/LoveSounds” is his best, and he made it while with Cameron, so I thank her for that.
Jake and Reese is the one I keep forgetting! -H
Picturing Maggie's eye roll every time Jake brings someone new to Sunday brunch gives me the giggles.
I irrationally loved them together.
Yes! There was also a thread yesterday with 1990s casting polaroids where a lot of commenters were shocked that Vince Vaughan used to be hot.
He was gorgeous! Kids today…
So money and he probably knew it
So money!
Did you watch Bad Monkey? He looks very good. A little nice weathering has happened.
Hello! I'm looking for a recommendation for workout leggings. I like a lot of compression and a cottony feel. These are for dance cardio -- I like to feel "held in" while jumping about. :)
(Currently holding on to several pairs of 4-year-old Old Navy leggings that are my holy grail, but are no longer made. There's a whole reddit thread devoted to mourning these magical leggings.)
Thanks in advance!
I regret to inform you that Lululemon Aligns really are worth the hype. Get the type with pockets and size down one size for some compression. There are several fun colors on clearance right now!
This is exactly how I feel about the Lululemon Aligns. The first time I tried mine on, I let out such a loud “Oh noooooo” my sister thought I hated them. No, I hated how good they were and how they lived up to the hype. That said, they are not very compressive in my regular size (I don’t need/want them to be, FWIW), but have not tried sizing down.
Hard agree with both of you - aligns are, truly, That Good, and sizing down does give you more compression in a helpful-not-uncomfortable way! I have had pairs for literally a decade, and they've probably averaged one wear a week. I much prefer Athleta (B Corp) to Lulu if I am spending my money on athleisure, but Aligns are the only exception I'll still make.
Next time Girlfriend Collective has a sale, I highly recommend.
I wear them for everyday use when I wear a dress or skirt, so I'm not sure if they would also work for working out...but I love love love my Uniqlo leggings.
I'm obsessed with my leggings from Mate the Label. And they're actually cotton!
Some are softer (not sure if they would be considered cottony -- I think they're the All Day leggings) but I've been very happy with Sweaty Betty. Compression feel is great and they have fun patterns, in addition to traditional colors.
i have tons of fancy leggings and i like none of them as much as these under-$30 Amazon ones, which i have three pairs of, and were recommended by some 'best leggings' very accurate roundup. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09NBVSXW2?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_1
hard agree; I have about 5 pairs of IUGA leggings and LOVE THEM.
I just ordered some!
Any thoughts on Fabletics? (sp?) I am annoyed to hear that Lululemon is actually quality. :D
I tried some Fabletics Power Hold and they are similar to the OG old navy leggings, but not quite as wonderful for me. They would be a good option if your're looking for comfy compression.
Sadly, Aligns just don't do it for me. I carry my weight in my hips/thighs, so wearing a smaller size just for compression negates the "squat proof" and is not comfortable.
These cheapie Amazon ones have been my go-to for the past five years (and they last a long time! I had to really dig deep in my orders to find them because they've held up so well I haven't had to buy any new ones in 4+ years!). I use them for dance, aerobics, walking, and I especially like them for weights because they're about the only brand I've found that doesn't roll or slip when doing squats. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07H8DGZB7?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_7
The heathered ones are comfier/stretchier for some reason than the solid colors so I prefer those. Otherwise, the quality is about the same.
Hi all, I'm getting married this year or next year, and our guestlist has gone from 2 to 25. I'm introverted and anxious, and looking for advice on being the centre of attention when you don't like it!
I am similar, and definitely felt that during some parts of the ceremony part of my wedding, but it also felt really meaningful to be surrounded by people who cared about me and my partner, and who traveled to come to our wedding. I also think it's fine to make the wedding less about moments just focused on the two of you -- like, no need to make a grand entrance if you don't want to, or have a first dance just the two of you. It can be what you want it to be in that sense.
I second all this. You don’t have to do any of the “traditional” wedding stuff that brings all the focus on you — no flower tossing or big entrance or solo dance — unless you want to. And also maybe asking a close, calming friend or relative to keep an eye on you and gently interject themselves if they get the sense you need space. Congratulations!
My wife and I also had a small wedding (~30). We went to the guests instead of them coming to us by walking around and talking to the guests at each table.
We had 18 at our wedding (we only wanted ourselves; our parents intervened). I suggest that you promise yourself you'll make an effort to talk to everyone individually just once - we had dinner at a big table and my husband and I got up and made a round - and reassure yourself that otherwise it'll be okay and you're just there to have fun and get married to your best friend. Everyone will know it's a big day and you're going to be distracted, and will be understanding. So try not to worry about it!
I'm similar and also had a small wedding (like 30-40 people). Besides the "walking down the aisle" part, I didn't really notice anyone looking at me. I was focused on my spouse and the ceremony. Definitely just skip what feels like it will be embarrassing for you. I did not throw a bouquet or shove cake in his face. Not for me!
Could you do the legal bit just the two of you, and then celebrate with the 25 afterward? Then the guests can be distracted by food/drinks/other guests. Or wear a big fancy hat so you can only see your beloved.
I stutter, and while I’m usually okay in conversation when I can switch out words if they feel like problems, having to recite anything is always awful, especially if I can feel people looking at me, so I’ve thought about this a lot over the years.
Congratulations, whenever you head down the aisle!
Thanks Allison! I'll be getting married in a suit so no hat but love the other suggestions!
I loathe vows, so we didn't do them - we had a friend do an instrumental version of Queen's Best Friend, and played that instead - it was 3 sentences - "i love you, i want to spend my life with you, so i say yes to you" then music. ceremony was 10 minutes. party was 5 hours.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
Congratulations! We also had a small wedding (and it was kind of on accident but we loved it, we had 60 including us). We did a first look ahead of time and did all photos ahead of time including with family. We buffered our schedule and it allowed us to have 10 minutes of uninterrupted time alone after the ceremony to have apps and a drink alone and be all 'omg we just got married'.
During the reception, we did what was called a 'rockstar receiving line' during cocktail hour. Everyone came to us (if they wanted) and we got photos with everyone. It was super casual and way less awkward than going table to table. We also ate alone at a sweetheart table so we didnt have to talk to people if we wanted and we could eat. Oh, and we also did brunch for dinner and it was awesome and people still talk about it 10 years later.
It can be whatever you want it to be (I also kinda hate being the center of attention) and if that means a private ceremony with 2 people and then a party after with the 25, that is fine! Those who want to support you and be there will make it work to make sure you're comfortable (remember its about you and its allowed to be so you're allowed to make the day as comfortable for you as possible - if that means a lot of breaks or a seperate room that you step out to for 10 minutes to reset, etc).
Thanks, we’ll be doing a courthouse wedding and a restaurant but love these ideas!
Is there anyone in that group of 25 whose presence brings you more comfort than pressure? I’m trying to talk around this but usually, I mean: a dear friend, not a family member. If so, maybe have them sit prominently visible from the aisle for the ceremony, or seat them close to you at the reception.
Focusing on your partner is great advice but they may also get swept away into talking to people, and having another comforting face/person in the crowd who understands what you need (and maybe can even sweep you away for a five-min introvert break) could be a big help. And is a great way for friends to feel like they’re supporting you!
Most of them do but this is a great suggestion, thank you!
My daughter and her husband got married by a magistrate with just my husband and me, his parents, and our son as witnesses, then had a celebratory dinner a few hours later that added about ten of their friends. It was lovely! If splitting up the marrying and the party is an option, I would definitely recommend.
first of all, mazel tov, and ten thousand years of health and happiness to you both!! i hope your wedding is great and an amazing memory for you...but (as someone whose wedding was frustrating and maddening and disappointing on so many levels BUT who just celebrated 20 happily married years with the same person): (whispers) ...it's okay if it isn't. it still counts! it's a weird and crazy day of heightened emotions all around! some things might not happen like you'd planned! be kind and patient with yourself and your partner, and *whatever* happens, in a few hours your wedding'll be over and then you're just MARRIED fshew!!!
also, sidebar, i had a friend who was one of six kids in a big midwestern italian catholic family, three of whom were gay (and this was in the late 80s / 1990s, when not everyone could get married), so her wedding was a biiiiig churchy over the top affair, kind of as a favor to her (lovely) mom--many attendants, enormous leg o mutton sleeves, giant veil... and then they had a new wedding every five years (really a vow renewal, but). once was a drive through in vegas, in a red minidress with a black cowl, drinking champagne in a limo at 10am with four of her brothers...once was sunrise on a beach in hawaii, just with the two of them...so they could have basically every kind of wedding they wanted. which i always thought was a lovely idea, until i actually had a wedding and realized oh i don't want to EVER do that again. (full disclosure, my friend has since passed away, but, not due to anything wedding related; you'll be fine!) anyway, something to consider...
What a lovely idea.
And I shouldn't have giggled at the disclaimer.
I don't have advice, but a story. I was in the midst of some anxiety issues related to having all eyes on me when I got married 13 years ago, and in our video you can def see me hyperventilating during the pastor's opening remarks. But the second my dad handed me off to my partner and I was holding his hands and looking at him, I absolutely felt like I was okay and I could do this, and got through the rest of the ceremony/party no problem. Good luck to you, and congrats!
I just thought about you while reading this (gift link):
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/14/style/private-vows-weddings.html?unlocked_article_code=1.qE4._5kC.H9mX_FMW2G9Q&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
my highly difficult in-laws, who live thousands of miles away in a wildfire-prone area, are spooked by what is happening and are talking about moving near me and my husband, their only child. we want my in-laws to be safe, but neither of us want them to live near us!!!! the fragile peace of the extended family is only preserved by distance. how do you even start to have that conversation with someone?
I do know there are a lot of wildfire mitigation strategies that homeowners can put in place. Have they looked into those at all? Perhaps you can start just with that? Wildfires are terrifying, but it is possible to protect yourself from them at least somewhat.
If they talk to an expert, they can also understand their particular place's risk. A valley is going to be different than a plain, for instance. There are a lot of factors that decide wildfire risk beyond being in SoCal, for instance.
they're pretty well-versed in this stuff already -- I think part of the problem is that someone they know who also nerds out about disaster preparedness lost their house in the Palisades fire. :/ but thank you, I could see this working for others in my situation!
Depending on what their life is like, bring up how disorienting it would be to move across the country at their age? Losing the friends they have, the routines, etc? The fact that the ONLY people they would know would be you and your husband? Specific to them...no area is really "safe" from natural disasters. If you aren't in a fire prone area (which can happen in alot of places thought to be "safe"), then you're likely in a tornado or flood prone area.
Eveyone's situation is different but those were the things that dissuaded my parents from moving to where I live.
Good luck. Family dynamics can be really hard.
Oh, these are good points.
This might help! neither of them have ever lived anywhere other than their hometown, so it might work. We can always try it! And, yes, the area we live in is known for tornadoes and also blizzards.
If they are in a no-blizzard place currently I might also raise concerns about ice. My parents are well-prepared for severe winter weather, but as they get older and falls become more of a concern, the extra caution required now seems to wear on them more than the actual cold temps or snowfall.
But there's also a right window for people to move across the country for the parents to have a decent quality of life. It's a tricky needle to thread especially when there is only one child. At some point, they are going to need more help that living 1,000 miles away makes extremely difficult. And I know from personal experience with my grandparents that the plan needs to be hammered out well before that point happens. Though, it might be easier when you do not have to deal with siblings, spouses, and all those opinions.
Totally agree. In my case, I am an only child and had we had the conversation of them moving 15 years before we did it may have turned out differently. In their case the disruption to their lives, combined with the fact that we do have close family still where they live meant that staying was a viable option. But dealing with the issues they have at this stage of their lives from, in my case, 300 miles away does add a level of difficulty that wouldn't be there if they were 30 minutes away. There are tradeoffs.
I have 3 siblings and only one living parent. My mother has not yet put forth a plan as to what she wants. Which is forcing me to make up my own plan for when she needs additional care. I need to find out a way to tell her "I am not going to be your caretaker if you make my older brother your POA" without causing a problem.
part of the problem is that it feels like we teeter on the edge of estrangement a lot with them, so whether or not we will be involved in their eldercare is an open question. who would do it if we don't? I have no idea. there isn't anyone else. but they've thrown temper tantrums and threatened to cut us off before. (then they pretend it didn't happen; the whole thing is extremely "narcissist's prayer.")
I do understand. I am the eldest daughter of an emotionally immature adult who heavily favors my older brother. My brother knows how much he can get away with when it comes to her and milks it. This leaves me being the one to do all of the heavy lifting. I have zero intentions of being her caretaker in a decade or two, I just haven't found a way to inform her or him.
ugh, these things are really hard! the in-laws do say they're financially ready to support themselves through retirement and have long-term care insurance, but even if all that's true and they wouldn't need financial help at all, I could definitely see them needing someone to manage their care and appointments and bank accounts and so forth. :/
Siblings definitely can complicate those conversations! I have a good relationship with my parents but am borderline estranged from my siblings and this is making responding to my mother's Alzheimer's diagnosis late in 2024 collectively harder.
I think letting them know that moving is their decision, and setting the boundaries for what you are willing to take on (how often to see them etc) BEFORE they move is important. And ultimately, if that doesn't work for you - it is ok to choose not to care for them. It sounds harsh and comes with its own baggage, but put your own mask on first, so to say.
Agreed. Any of us who think we can avoid climate-weirding disasters are fooling ourselves.
When we bought a house, I pored obsessively over flood maps, including SLOSH (hurricane-wind-blown) flood maps, and climate change coastal predictions, going pretty deep because that's my thing. We bought a wonderful house that's not a flood risk (she said, just inviting the gods to make mischief)... but we've gotten a lengthy tornado warning, huddled in our shelter for hours, every single year. We are decidedly not in Tornado Alley (which btw has shifted east).
And wildfire is becoming a thing here, even though it's green and soggy mushroom-growing weather much of the year.
My personal recommendation is to do a lot of listening and not a lot of talking or providing solutions or advice unless specifically asked. Likely they are trying to process a lot of fears and feelings and don’t know what to do with them right now. In this way, you avoid doing anything that you really don’t want to do but can also be an open and kind sounding board. Most people don’t want their problems solved, they just want to be heard.
Good luck! Get yourselves a therapist NOW!!
good idea! I have a therapist; spouse does not but is looking.
well, this just happened to me. My darling husband's terrible mom needed to move into a senior facility, and she was a hour, sometimes 2 away in traffic. I would suggest having them stay in a vrbo or hotel or something for a week, trying out the area first. My MIL lives near us now, but kind of hates it (its only been a month, we'll see) and is constantly telling us how awful our city is (those murals, ew..a thing she said.) We are also working out boundaries. A recap text or call once a day instead of 10+, only weekend visits for now, call before you come. I share your pain. I think talking it out will help. That said, having my MIL live in a nearish town but NOT our town worked out for 14 years. That's an option too.
Ahhhh noooo I share your pain! The most we could take of the in-laws might be twice a month, max, you're so kind to make time weekly.
Oh no, we are not kind. Things we didn't think about like "where do I get toothpaste?" etc. She has never shopped online I guess. We had to move quickly because she decided to move in a MONTH (when you ask? Over our Christmas break.) So a lot of the clean-up stuff we are doing now. She is narcissistic, and we've always kept her at arm's length, but my BIL has peaced out for good reason. We are trying to do the best we can, and the facility handles almost everything. We'd have given her a tour first, showed her where to shop, done a lot of things differently. We are learning the hard way. We used to see her once a month or every two months, when she lived a few towns away.
I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how well Tiffany sterling silver jewelry holds up? Their yellow gold is out of my price range, but I’m looking at one of their Hardwear sterling silver bracelets to mark a milestone and in memory of a lost loved one, but I’m nervous about how it will hold up against tarnishing long-term (I know Tiffany offers lifetime cleaning).
I got a sterling silver chain link bracelet as a graduation gift 25 years ago and its in amazing shape. And I haven't even been cleaning it. I say go for it!
I have the sterling silver small ball bracelet & earrings set from ~2003 I used to wear all the time and they've barely tarnished and the posts are still firmly attached. They sat a bit in a box at one point but a quick rub with a polish cloth from Amazon cleaned them right back up.
If you're thinking about the charm bracelets, though, a word of warning: I had one which I wore constantly all the time, and ended up losing all the charms one after another, which was extremely frustrating and heartbreaking. IMO, they're not welded well to the piece, and easily wrenched off.
They hold up well; I’m very bad about wearing my silver ring but it’s only tarnish is just because it’s not getting oil from my hands.
I got a sterling silver crucifix pendant as a gift over 20 years ago, and I've never had to have it cleaned. It came in a special little Tiffany blue pouch that's supposed to keep it from tarnishing, and I'd still be keeping it in there if that darn thing hadn't fallen apart by now.
All of mine from early 2000s is holding up great. Except for a necklace, I rarely wear the rest these days as they don't fit my lifestyle but they always looks good. I've been thinking about getting a venetian link bracelet. Although the price is much higher than when I first thought about it 20 years ago!
I worked at Tiffany and bought that bracelet 3 years ago and it has not yet tarnished. They do sell silver polishing cloths as well for quick touch ups. Enjoy
Would love to hear what it was like to work at Tiffany!
Engrossing and/or comforting TV shows where no one gets pregnant? Coming up on two and a half years of secondary infertility and I’m just about hanging in there but would love to have something ready to dive into that’s safe for the harder moments.
I have been there and want to give you the biggest hug. What streamers do you have? -H
Thank you ❤️ I’m sorry you’ve been there too, it’s a strange and sad path to shuffle along. We have hulu, apple, amazon, and just restarted hbo for the pitt after rage-quitting it over sesame street
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you love.
On Hulu, I love Justified and its spin-off, City Primeval. On Max, I think Gossip Girl is still there but if not its gone to netflix (the original, not the reboot). I just also watched the Harry Potter Baking Challenge over the holidays and it was delightful.
I'm so glad that you're watching The Pitt, I love it too. :) On Amazon, I'm a big fan of Jack Ryan, if you haven't watched it. John Krazinski in something that isn't the office is well, sexy. :D
I’ve been meaning to watch Jack Ryan! I’d have been so sad if The Pitt wasn’t good. Thank you ❤️
Just a heads up that Justified has a pretty extended whoopsie pregnancy storyline, which can be tough if you're dealing with infertility
Crap I forgot about that. Thanks for the reminder.
These storylines are everywhere! It's so hard to avoid.
Are the Great Pottery Throwdown seasons still on Max? If you haven’t watched that, it might be a great diversion.
Also, The Summer I Turned Pretty on Amazon, and their A League of Their Own series. If you get Netflix, Outer Banks! Big dumb treasure hunting fun/drama. -H
Oh I forgot about Netflix, we do still pay for that too! Thank you ❤️
In Canada it’s on Disney but Tell Me Lies was a RIDE and pregnancy-free so far (two seasons)
Somebody Somewhere on Max is perfect and beautiful and comforting. You will also cry a lot (if you're like me) but for such good reasons.
That is my favorite show of the last few years, and so comforting. However, there is a plot line in season 3 where a character struggles with accepting that he will not have children. The reasons are not related to fertility, but life choices and circumstances. Beautifully handled and life affirming, but good to be aware of.
Thank you both ❤️
Oh yes! This is what I was going to suggest. So, so lovely.
I also wanted to send ❤️ Your question made me think how this is ever-present on so many shows, which can be such a challenge when you need an escape.
Despite being a procedural, I find that "Elementary" on Hulu with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu can be a cozy watch. Johnny is quirky and so much fun as Sherlock, and he and Lucy (as Watson) have really great chemistry together. There are seven seasons so plenty of episodes to watch, but no complicated mythology that you need to keep track of.
Thank you ❤️ I LOVED Elementary so so much!
You are so welcome! Since you've already seen Elementary (I love it so too!) a fun, silly show to try is The Circle on Netflix. It's weirdly addicting watching people communicating only through online chats and hashtags.
They really do pop up out of nowhere, don't they!? Loot on AppleTV is very fun and pregnancy-free. I just did a mindless watch of Suits and it is also baby-free for the first 5 seasons. Ted Lasso has a character considering having a child but I don't think there is any pregnancy. Parks and Rec and stop at season 5? Happy Endings has baby discussions but no pregnancy. The first three seasons of The West Wing. The first three seasons of sex and the city. What I'm realizing is that the first few seasons of most series are safe, and then they love a plot twist. Which can be hard when you're waiting on your own plot twist. I've been there - sending you all of the calming vibes.
Also I could be misremembering, but while there are a bunch of adorable children, I don't think Abbott Elementary has had a pregnancy storyline yet.
If you like mean humor, Fleabag! But I also love Somebody Somewhere.
There is a miscarriage in the second season of Fleabag, however.
Wow, I entirely forgot about it. Sorry!
If you can handle subtitles, Because This Is My First Life is on Netflix. It's a thoughtful romance with some humor. I liked it because the leads have a friend group and the stakes are important but not total melodrama. More like what kind of relationship do I want, what kind of career, is being emotionally safe more important than taking a risk. Etc. Most important of all, no serial killer plot!
ghosts on CBS!
And the UK version - full series on Paramount+.
Agree although that one has (spoiler) pregnancy story in last season
Sending you the biggest hug.
May I suggest K-Dramas? For light, low-ish stakes, young romance I suggest Weightlifting Fair Kim Bok-joo, Twenty-five/Twenty-one, and the runaway hit from last year, Lovely Runner. Megahits from the last 5 years or so like Vincenzo and Crash Landing on You are fun, a little silly (in a good way), but highly entertaining. My favorite thing about K-Dramas is the thing that probably annoys a lot of people about them: subtitles. Not knowing Korean means you really have to pay attention to what’s on screen and not be doom scrolling on your phone while watching. And there are times where you just need something that will force you away from *gestures wildly* all that’s going on.
Also, Never Have I Ever on Netflix was great, even if the initial premise (that was soon abandoned, thank God) was a little iffy. I loved the relationships among the extended family of Vishwakumar ladies.
Culinary Class Wars, a Korean cooking reality show on Netflix was also fantastic. I was surprised how invested I got in the contestants?
I second Abbott Elementary. Also loving the new series High Potential (the mom has kids but there's no pregnancy story line). I second Suits as well.
In a different vein, go back and binge Great British Baking Show or Queer Eye?
We just rewatched The Night Agent in anticipation of season two coming out here in a week or so...very engrossing, not a pregnancy (or child) in sight.
Sending you all the love and grace for your journey, however it goes.
Thank you so much ❤️
This is where I suggest getting really into old seasons of Survivor if you didn't watch them the first time around. Paramount+ has ALL of them. (I did this during the pandemic and it was so diverting.) - J
Somebody Somewhere
The Good Place comes to mind.
For non-fiction type shows (which might be a good way to avoid any potential focus on pregnancy): If you haven't watched Blown Away I'd add that to the GBBO/Pottery Throwdown. I'm also a fan of Grand Designs. There's also a whole set of Edwardian Farm/Victorian Farm/Wartime Farm that have historical experts living in historic homes trying to replicate everything about that lifestyle-- how they did laundry, and ate, and worked, etc.
Community (on Peacock) always works for me! (and giving you a big virtual hug)
Mike Schur's new show, Man On The Inside - only about 10 eps and totally charming.
I LOVED that!
I enjoyed it! Ted Danson is charming.
On Max, I mostly enjoy "The Sex Lives of College Girls". It's pretty silly and funny and although it obviously talks about sex I can't think of any pregnancy story lines. You'd have a few seasons to go back through too if you haven't seen it.
I also love "Somebody, Somewhere". It's so amazing. No one is pregnant on the show, but there is a storyline of a gay character who wanted to be a dad and might not be. Just in case that might still be upsetting for you.
On Hulu, the show "Extraordinary" has two really funny seasons. About an alternative world where people get a superpower at the age of 18, but the main character hasn't gotten one and tries to figure out why. It's also very funny and I can't think of any pregnancy storylines.
Apple for some reason has several shows with people who wanted to get pregnant and couldn't. I'm stumped to think of suggestion there.
Haven't seen anyone add in this yet, but k-dramas! Saved me in my pandemic summer of funemployment when I couldn't leave the house. Crash Landing on You is the OG and super comforting, funny, romantic - different types of love but no pregnancies. In fact I've rarely seen pregnancies mentioned in k-dramas. Also wonderful: Hospital Playlist (more realistic/slice of life), Business Proposal (Hijinks, romcom), Fight for my way (friends to lovers). Each of these is like a warm hug on a cold day.
Sending you a big hug!
HBO's Full Bloom is a soothing competition show about floral arrangements. What they can do with flowers is just amazing.
Anyone have advice on vegan cupcakes that can be bought a chain grocery store? We have an allergy and cupcakes have been the hardest to locate item. If I can avoid baking myself I'd prefer it!
As a mom of a vegan, I hear you - many vegan recipes are overly complicated with odd ingredients. But these have been a lifesaver. Ridiculously easy (less time than driving to the store), and so good they're now my go-to chocolate cupcakes, regardless of whether vegan is required.
1½ c. flour
1 c. sugar
1/3 c. cocoa
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp chili powder or cayenne
½ tsp salt
1 cup water
½ c. vegetable oil
2 tsp pure vanilla
2 tbsp white vinegar
In large bowl whisk together dry ingredients. In separate bowl, whisk water, oil, vanilla & vinegar. Pour wet mixture into dry mixture and whisk until just combined. Divide batter among 12 paper-lined muffin cups. Bake at 350°F for 15-20 minutes, until toothpick comes out clean. Let cool completely in pan. Serve with sliced strawberries or mangos.
If you're not averse to 'easy' baking, the Duncan Hines mixes were usually allergy friendly. I was also a big fan of rice krispies treats for birthdays as they are usually vegan (storebought) or could easily be made with coconut oil if homemade.
Aren't Rice Krispies treats made with marshmallows?
There are vegan versions!
You can use marshmallow fluff at home instead of actual marshmallows to make it vegan.
Is there a special brand? Most have egg whites. I'm only pushing because I'd LOVE some rice krispie treats!
Smuckers Marshmallow Topping and Suzanne's Ricemellow Creme. Smuckers is probably the easiest to find.
Most other are vegetarian if not vegan (as you note, eggs, but not gelatin). I've also seen easy recipes for making your own with aquafaba and sugar, but I've never tried it (I have used aquafaba for an egg white sub in other things, and it's worked just fine).
Off to buy the Smuckers! Thank you!!
I'll look for these! We have to avoid the eggs and dairy but don't care really about gelatin. If there are true vegan ones that would be helpful!
I've seen "no allergen" mini cupcakes in my grocery store. Near the sliced breads, some have a cartoon owl on them I think. Not sure if they're vegan, but they could be?
Oh those are the "school safe" ones, which is meaningless marketing. Those always still have eggs (they are maybe nut free or something). It's annoying because I think a lot people think they are vegan but they are not.
Good to know!
These are great: https://smittenkitchen.com/2021/01/plush-vegan-confetti-cupcakes/
Have you tried the brands abe's or Rubicon?
We love Abe's, but for whatever reason our area mostly only has the muffins. I'm aware they have cupcakes but I hardly ever find them. I'll look for Rubicon though! Thank you!
Oh weird! Maybe all the Broads need to call the store and ask for cupcakes to get them to carry them?
If you're by any chance in Canada (possibly specifically Ontario) Farm Boy has them.
How to enjoy life and get through work despite burnout and frustration?
At 31 I finished grad school and finally have my first big girl job with the federal government. It's been a horrendous first six months full of interpersonal issues I've never had in other jobs. I started out as an interm with a team that's a narcissist personality cult and turned on me when I failed a loyalty test.
Then I got hired into an office that I feel has better leadership, but ended up as the only woman on a team with a bully who has verbally humiliated me in front of the team numerous times. I spent December on a temporary team to create distance (thanks to leadership, and it will look good on my resume), and now my supervisors have decided the best course of action is for me to change teams....but I have a mandatory month long course to finish first.
I'm just exhausted at this point. I'm super qualified for the jobs here, more so than most new hires. I love the actual work. But I've now had to learn THREE positions in six months, and will be learning another, one with a potentially huge learning curve. On top of it, I moved for the position, so my typical support structures aren't here. I'm also coming off of four years of intense chronic health issues (which magically resolved upon moving, but I'm still dealing with the after affects, like recurring shingles).
All in all: I know there aren't easy solutions, but I know there's a decent chance the new team will be free from severe issues. How to get through and keep pushing when I've got nothing left in the tank? How have y'all survived valleys in your careers?
I am so sorry you’ve had to navigate this at work and far from your usual support structures, at that. Do you have a therapist? Who do you normally turn to for comfort? Can you ask them for a daily 15 minute unload phone call? It’s okay to be needy - just know that. No shame or judgement for needing people and needing support.
You’re doing excellent work and remember that this is only temporary. 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵
Therapist has been found, and I'm regularly chatting with my parents and good friends. Thanks for the reminder that I'm doing what I should be. I know I've been through harder, it's just tough coming after a string of very difficult years.
One thing I’ve gotten from Carolyn Hax is to either zoom way in and just focus on baby steps, getting through small increments of time, or way out and thinking about how insignificant current problems are in the grand scope of things.
Usually when I’m trying to zoom out I go to a museum or near water, so I can remind myself that everyone’s had similar problems over the course of humanity or that we’re all connected (and several family members had water burials, so I like to think that’s where they’re hanging out now).
So maybe spending your non-work time looking for ‘your’ place in your new town might distract you from work, and you’ll hopefully find a place that restores you.
I love the zoom in zoom out. I've got some great joints around town already (I managed to move somewhere pretty amazing, so that's a boon), so I'll keep that in mind when I visit. Even in the scope of my own life, this is so doable, it's just hard to remember when I'm stuck in it. Thank you!
This sounds really miserable. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. When my job has been rough, I've really focused on my life outside of work, mainly by digging into a hobby. You could also try finding a club or group or activity in your area around something you enjoy, like cooking, gardening, birding, whatever. Do basically the minimum at work and give yourself something to look forward to when you get home.
That's been my most recent realization! I've been sick a lot, so it's been hard, but I have a club I'm thinking of joining, an occasional volunteer gig, a couple busier volunteer gigs I'm going to apply to, and have continued shopping for a church that feels right for the non-religious community-seeker I am. Thank you so much! Outside work self is so important, and I really lost track.
Totally free to disregard if you want, but have you looked at the Unitarian Universalist Church? They're explicitly very welcoming of people of any or no religious beliefs (as well as gender and sexual orientation, race, etc.), and it shows in the services at the church I attend.
I did! Ours is very small here, and very very partisan. I was also the only person under 50 or so. I've got a lead on an Episcopalian church near me that has a jazz service though. Maybe that will be cool?
I am treading very carefully with this response because I know that having enough time to volunteer is a privilege that most people don't have but volunteering at a local garden in my community is what got me through a miserable period in my own career. It wasn't just the physical labor in the garden, it was also being able to talk with the other volunteers and that community remains one of the most important parts of my life.
That's a great concept! Luckily because it's a federal job and I'm single with no kids, I've got time to spare. I've gotten into plants and a community garden sounds like such a great idea! I'll look into some in my area.
Gardening is what saved me after a bruising tenure review (I'm a professor) a decade ago. I also recommend reading Sue Stuart-Smith's The Well Gardened Mind- she's a psychologist who is married to a garden designer and she researched the physical/chemical impact that being around plants has on our minds.
Literally searching up good opportunities around me right after this! I'm also close to a couple botanical gardens, which I figure might have some similar volunteer opportunities.
I'm an executive coach, so I will say I totally agree with zoom in/zoom out and also, when you're zooming out, remind yourself that there is an end in sight. You've got the new (hopefully better) team out there on the horizon.
Thank you. My agency also has coaching and mentoring programs, and you've reminded me that maybe I should try to get assigned to a coach.
ALWAYS. if you have access to a coach, use it!
You may have been asked this in previous chats, but do you have recommendations for finding a good career coach?
I have a few loved ones who are stuck and might benefit from someone objective.
It's sort of like therapists, in the sense that fit matters. I will sometimes talk to people and hear their goals and say, "I don't think we're perfect for each other, but I have a colleague in my network who I think is a good fit for you", and colleagues refer clients to me as well. I don't have a magic manual for finding one. People who have found me "cold" have found me on LinkedIn. Most of my business is referrals, though. Maybe ask around.
Big credentialers like ICF have resources (https://coachingfederation.org/find-a-coach) but that said, that's only people certified through them and you pay a premium. Lots of us out here who got credentialed elsewhere.
Happy to chat to help get you started if you want.
Thank you! It’ll probably be a while until any of these people are ready for help, but I like to be prepared.
Literally today got to join a coaching circle that's happening with a few women in building that starts tomorrow! I'm very excited to build some stronger connections with people throughout my building at various stages in their careers.
I love this for you. Go get it!
It was amazing! Very open and safe, and the coach is very very high level, so it's tangentially good networking as well. Mostly listened this time around, but so excited to have a stronger support network at work, and to learn more about being a "coach-like leader".
Speaking from experience, one of the best ways of finding friends and a support system when you move to a new place is by joining a choir. You get to meet new people and work together on creating something beautiful. And I swear regular singing is good for your physical as well as your mental health!
I actually love singing and was in a community choir a few years ago in the second-to-last place I lived that I loved! I made a stab at joining a church choir but it was too political. Thank you for the motivation to keep looking!
I'm so sorry to hear this - I was in the same position, taking my first "real" job at 32 after finishing grad school. Everyone else has given you good advice on how to deal with that element of your question, so I wanted to bring up the bullying issue. One, and I cannot emphasize this enough, LOG EVERY INTERACTION. Date, time, details, other people present, what was said. Save any email they send you that is problematic, and save it to your private account. When something happens, send yourself an email about it as soon as you can, and send to your PRIVATE email account so that you have records. Two, if the person begins to bully you in private - the person who did this to me would bully me in one-on-one meetings and then claim that the interactions had never happened - log the interaction, and if you start to feel REALLY unsafe, ask for someone - even someone from HR - to be present in the meetings so that you're not alone. The bully is less likely to say what they would otherwise with someone else there. Finally, to help you get through your day to day interactions with this person, look into "gray rocking": https://www.vogue.com/article/what-is-the-gray-rock-technique Keep your responses minimal; share nothing personal; limit your exposure to them as much as possible.
Depending on where you live, you should look into whether you need two-party consent to record conversations. If you don't, you can privately record conversations with the bully so you have an unassailable record of their behavior. If it is a two-party state, take your phone out and say, I would like to record this conversation so that I make sure I know exactly what we spoke of and so that I can action everything appropriately. That will either scare them into not bullying you or (honestly, this does happen!) they'll just do it anyway and you'll have a voice record of the incident.
Good luck and stay strong.
Thank you! I've been documenting documenting and will make backup copies as soon as I'm in to work today. He's only been bad in front of other people so far (I think it's to discredit/humiliate me?). Unfortunately I'm in a workplace where I can't record. Luckily I haven't had to work directly with him for 6 weeks or so, although he'll still find opportunity if we run into each other. Literally told me it was impossible that I was working on my current team...despite me literally working there?
Most likely on the new team we'll have very little contact. If it continues, however, I will be going formal with my complaint. If not, I'll have a big "I effin told you so" when he's horrible to someone else. I get the worst, but he's just a general bully. My leadership keeps characterizing it as a personality mismatch. It's only that because I'm not willing to be belittled so he can put me through the typical hazing process (he's former military).
I'm so sorry you went through something similar. Weirdly it makes me feel better. I haven't worked in an office, but I have had so many jobs, and none have been this kind of rough. I thought coming in more experienced would be an advantage, but sometimes it feels like it's just made me a bigger target because I'm more competitive with the long-term hires and have certain expertise that they don't and can't have. Not happy it's happened to others, but it helps it feel less personal.
The Federal government is super dysfunctional. Going private sector is my recommendation, especially with the new president who will lay you all off.