In Praise of Melanie Lynskey

And National Treasure 3, whatever it may be.

We have been afloat on a raft of nepo babies lately, thanks to Kaia Gerber and Homer Gere (and Vogue and Ryan Murphy with the assist), and Vogue’s previous nepo cover subject Gracie Abrams, and Cruz Beckham having a band, and Apple Martin¹ getting an acting job with Nancy Meyers, Keen Ruffalo being a chip off Mark’s block in Sterling Point, Ben Stiller’s daughter popping up on And Just Like That, Ewan McGregor’s child turning out to be on We Were Liars (in fairness, the only good actor therein)… Surely Carys Douglas — daughter of Michael and Cathy Zeta — cannot be far behind, as she just did a play in Brooklyn. And, as discussed when we covered the Don’t Say Good Luck premiere on Go Fug Yourself, Adam and Jackie Sandler are fervently producing projects either for, or including, their daughters Sadie and Sunny. That one landed on Netflix recently, so I curled up with it one night to see if their efforts are in vain. Fair warning: Sad mom stuff ensues; skip to the end if you’re not up for that.

The movie is a vehicle for Sunny, who is 17. She plays Sophie, a shy girl with a nice singing voice who is hoping for a plum secondary role in the school musical, Waitress. (She of course does not think she can handle the lead.) However, thanks to her dad’s habit of butt-dialing her by accident, right before her callback she overhears her parents in the doctor’s office discussing that her mother’s cancer has returned. The emotion that brings to her audition lands her the starring role, and she muddles through rehearsals and her feelings and her crush on her co-star, until she gets to the big solo at the end.

The story’s purpose is twofold: give Sunny a chance to be Jenna in Waitress, and let her cry on-camera to prove her chops. There is no other way to view it. Listen, Sunny seems like she’s probably really nice, she has the loveliest smile, and she can moisten her eyes pretty much on-cue (although the scenes where she is sobbing her guts out would be more effective if she’d toned them down, given that no actual tears are falling). She does light up when she hits her glory notes. It’s possible she needed a better script and director to shepherd her through this. Because Sunny also whispers 90 percent of her role. I assumed this was because we’re supposed to think she’s not super confident anywhere in her own skin, but that she’ll come alive on-stage when she gets to step inside someone else’s — except that doesn’t happen, not from what we see, because Sunny wears the same wooden facial expression the entire time. You can see the wheels turning in her head, and it’s unclear whether that’s Sunny the Actress Trying To Remember Her Marks or Sunny Playing Sophie The Actress Trying to Remember Her Marks. Sometimes, her theatre director is smiling approvingly, and sometimes she’s trying to wring — kindly — feelings out of Sophie, but I can’t actually see the difference between what she’s seeing.

However, this movie got me, and here’s why: Melanie Lynskey. If you cast her in anything, no matter what, she is going to be awesome. I coincidentally saw a quote today from Nia Vardalos in which she laments the lack of range for older women in movies and says, “Actresses want to act. We don’t want to play your mom.” I understand and agree with this, and yet also, I humbly submit Melanie as an example of someone who does the SHIT out of both those things in this movie, and that is its strong suit. She imbues this mother-daughter relationship with such warmth and realism that you feel exactly what void it’ll leave in Sophie’s life — and the lives of her husband and twin sons (adorable afterthoughts, sadly). Max Greenfield plays Mr. Melanie Lynskey, and he has almost nothing to do but try and hold his shit together while clearly wanting to break apart, and he’s excellent as well. I love him as Schmidt in New Girl, but he has real range and he does rumpled grief beautifully. It’s weirdly sexy and appealing?!? There’s a moment where he just stops walking and pulls Melanie into a hug where you’re like, “Oh, no, I cannot crush on this character during the worst time in his life.” Oh well. But Lynskey is the glue. She’s just SO GOOD in everything; her range is wild. I appreciate this movie for giving her that to gnaw on, although I also firmly believe she’s the kind of person who finds magic that isn’t on the page.

In fact, the page may be the biggest problem with the film — that, or the editing bay. It’s trying so hard to be Sunny Sandler’s vehicle that it leaves too many better things on the table. For example, we know that Melanie is hiding her terminal diagnosis so that Sophie can focus on Waitress, but Sophie doesn’t. So yes, she’s still under stress with a parent in cancer treatment, but I’m more interested in Melanie and how she’s bearing up than I am in Sophie acting bratty about her best friend quitting the play so she can explore other things she’s better at, or Sophie mumbling through her scenes and getting appropriate feedback and then feeling sorry for herself instead of working on it. (Or maybe she is? This, again, is not helped by the fact that Sunny tends to only have one facial expression.) Melanie’s parents, played by Steve Buscemi and Bebe Neuwirth, are also aware that this isn’t going to end happily, so they come to help out. There are snippets about them having a strained relationship with Melanie, but we don’t get the full story; just one outburst at dinner one night, when Bebe is upset because Sophie is rehearsing instead of spending Mother’s Day with everyone, but she can’t say, “BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER IS DYING.” Then suddenly at the end of the movie Melanie calls her and says, “You should be in Sophie’s life,” and Bebe seems surprised and delighted by this. Huh? When did she move out? Was she NOT in Sophie’s life? Was she really not in Melanie’s life? What is going on? The effect is of a movie that either a) cut out large chunks that revolved around Melanie, and the family, so that Sunny would still be the center of its galaxy; or b) badly needed a rewrite. Especially because, once you cast Bebe Freaking Neuwirth in your musical theater movie, you definitely need a scene where we learn Sophie’s chops came from grandma, she helps struggling Sophie with her solo, and Melanie eavesdrops and realizes that Bebe could be the maternal figure Sophie is going to need. Yes, okay, the script comes before casting, but come on, people. PIVOT. If you’re not going to use a musical-theater legend’s massive chops in your musical theater movie, then you are MISSING OUT. If she doesn’t want to sing, fine, don’t make her, but don’t WASTE her, either. And Steve Buscemi seems like a nice dude. Does Melanie also not get along with him? He just wants to teach Sophie to drive! He buys her driving gloves! He tries to be supportive! How is HE coping? Who knows! He has six lines!

In sum, I recommend this movie if you are a Melanie Lynskey completist, or admirer; if you are okay with experiencing Max Greenfield’s Sexy Grief, even only occasionally; or you simply are in the mood to be sad about how much cancer sucks and you want to curse Adam Sandler — a man who VOLUNTARILY continues to employ notable bigot Rob Schneider just because they are old bros — for giving you feelings. However, if none of those things apply but you DO like Waitress, written by Sara Bareilles, and you DON’T want to cry, just go watch her in Girls5Eva. Actually, you might cry, but it will be from mirth. I present to you one of my favorite scenes, Wickie Roy’s Hardscrabble Life Debunked:

If we could just get one more season of that, and cast Melanie Lynskey, then this post would come full circle. Sigh.

— Heather

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Please Learn Context Clues

I woke up in a bad mood on Monday — no real reason, other than it’s hot and I hadn’t slept well and, like, you know, the heat death of the universe and all the other stuff I fixated on at 5:21 a.m. — and so I decided to pop on over to Etsy to look at some of my saved items to see if that would give me a hit of much-needed dopamine, and also to check on the delivery date of a vintage Phantom of the Opera sweatshirt I bought in a previous fugue state before realizing it was coming from Malaysia. In the process, I realized that Etsy’s new-ish front page algorithm is JACKED UP. Because I have previously linked to this very funny Widow’s Bay t-shirt, Etsy has decided that what I really want are humorous widow shirts. “Funny” shirts for women who have lost their husband. Look — grief is a beast and whatever gets you through the night is fine with me. This is none of my business. If you want to wear “My Ride Or Die Died” on your chest, girl, I sincerely hope it helps and I am very sorry you are going through this because losing someone extremely sucks. But on my end, seeing shirts that say “My Other Half Is Dead,” or “Til Death Do Us Part Level Achieved” (a) is not helping my mood, and (b) seems a huge failure of the company’s AI. If you work at Etsy, please let whoever is in charge of the algorithm know that Widow’s Bay is a humorous horror series and not a support group for people who have lost their spouses. Although I guess technically Matthew Rhys’s character is a widower. Maybe he’ll show up in one of these next season.

— Jessica

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Time to Steal the Bill of Rights!

Get ready for what might be the greatest plane movie of your life. It’s come to light that National Treasure 3: Subtitle TBD is a go. Or, “real,” as director Jon Turteltaub revealed during the live-taping of a National Treasure podcast — something that actually sounds really fun and I probably want to listen to:

“It’s happening,” he said of “National Treasure 3.” “I have not said anything before this, but you deserve to have the scoop. It’s finally real. Now, it’s ‘Hollywood real,’ meaning things could happen. Nic gets hit by a bus, there’s no ‘National Treasure 3.’ If I get hit by a bus, there’s probably a ‘National Treasure 3.’ Welcome to Hollywood.”...Turteltaub said that a script is already in the works, adding that “to whatever extent we can, everyone’s back.”

This is obviously very vague. Justin Bartha appeared in the short-lived Disney+ spin-off series, so you know he’s in.² I feel like if the script shows up and Diane Kruger hates it, she will have “scheduling conflicts” and will summarily be replaced by Malin Akerman, who will be great in the part. Jon Voight could be busy being, like, the Director of the Interior by the time this gets underway. Honestly, Helen Mirren — who appeared in the second (and, to my mind, superior) film as Nic Cage’s mom — seems like she’s game for anything. And Nic Cage also just does whatever he wants, so he probably will do this. (He’s paid off that insane tax debt but you know — he’s eccentric.)

I just hope that whoever is tasked with writing this script realizes that the crux of a National Treasure movie is how absolutely and unapologetically dumb it should be: Nic Cage should once again be forced to monologue about kidnapping the president or some other pertinent head of state, and then shortly thereafter emerge from the Potomac river wearing a full-on tux underneath his wetsuit. Someone needs to say the words, “I’m gonna steal [priceless American artifact].³” At some point, someone must deliver an impassioned monologue about a made-up obscure historical figure who is, naturally, the key to everything.⁴ A map to some kind of mystical treasure ought to be printed on the inside of Ben Franklin’s coffin, thus necessitating its exhumation.⁵ (I will sue if you steal that, Turteltaub!) National Treasure 3 needs to be fast-moving, silly, expensive, and approximately 96 minutes long so you can watch it while you’re eating some weird reheated airplane chicken and still have some time to scrunch up your face against the side of the plane and sleep for an hour before you arrive at your destination, whatever it may be. Forget Nic Cage and the people at Disney. Air travelers NEED this.

— Jessica

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In Case You Missed It…

"Let It Steep"

John Oliver Brings WATER INTRIGUE to Days

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Last Call

— Random product recommendation corner: The people at Ogee sent me both their “complexion foundation stick” and their “sculpted face stick,” which I got in a shade I can use as a bronzer. (For me, that was “amber.”) Friends, I love them! They are easy to blend, not drying, and the container closes with a very satisfying magnetic click. Stick formulas in general are currently my jam — for one thing, they (usually) don’t count against your TSA liquid limits and won’t spill in your bag. (I also love this blush stick, this new Merit lipstick, and this sunscreen stick that I just let rattle around the bottom of my purse.) Everything in crayon format!! - J

— I did not know any of this gossip! Per People: Christopher McDonald Says He Was ‘Devastated’ When Geena Davis Broke Off Engagement After Falling in Love with Jeff Goldblum. (There is no reason I would have known this, given that it happened when I was ten years old, but still. I did a lot of reading of magazine covers at the checkout stands in those days.) Bring me more random ‘80s romantic dirt, People! — J

— Apparently, Kate Hudson is trying to produce a How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days sequel. What about that does ANYONE need to revisit? I have seen all I need to see from those two characters. — H

— From the Cancel Culture Isn’t Real files: Woody Allen is about to film a new project, with a “high profile cast.” We’ll see, I guess. Maybe he’s trying to wish said cast into being. — H

1. Her Wikipedia bio reads, “British model, actress, composer, and director.” — H

2. Also, what else is he even doing, other than praying for The Hangover Rides Again? — H

3. I suggest the Liberty Bell.

4. And related to his family -H

5. What if the national treasure in question is a PERSON. Miss Piggy has gone missing! Gritty’s costume lies empty on the Flyers’ locker room floor! Kenny Loggins has been KIDNAPPED! HE’S NOT ALRIGHT! FIND HIM! — H