"I'm Coming to the Cottage."

Ep. 5 of Heated Rivalry has it all: glasses, Russian monologues, cuddling, YEARNING, and grand gestures.

We have arrived at Heated Rivalry’s penultimate episode, which is currently rated a 9.9/10 on IMDb, with over 66,000 total votes. It’s mostly 10s, a couple nines, and 2,800 one-stars — but nobody leaves reviews with those ratings, so in the absence of meaningful critique I am forced to conclude that they are jerks. The lowest written review on that site is a two-star that calls this hour, “Softcore porn with trite conflict,” which is amusing because the episode contains no sex at all. But it does contain moisture, and as Derek Zoolander taught us, moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty:

Two stars? It’s a minimum of six for the triceps alone. And you know what ELSE we get in this episode?