Ellen's Wacky Us Cover and an Even Wackier Vintage Weight Watchers Cookbook

Crimes against celery are committed herein.

Ellen’s people are at it again. Despite her constant moaning that she was driven from show business — usually delivered on stage during a filmed Netflix special, or while being interviewed in front of 700 fans — the current issue of Us Weekly is all about Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi’s move to the UK, including a huge article about their lives there, and also this totally deranged cover:

I want to congratulate whoever made this composite because it IS eye-catching and it’s also really funny. We’ve got a country manor house; a picturesque local pub; horses; sheep; a bunny; a tractor; the Union Jack; a phone booth; a pair of wellies; roosters and chicken; another country house; Portia with a haircut I don’t really recall; and Ellen….sitting in a tea cup holding a watering can? Every time I open that image on my iPhone, it keeps trying to get me to use the Clean Up feature to remove both Ellen and Portia from the picture. They’ve shoved so much British iconography in there that I c…