Sweet Valley High Super Editions, and a Celebrity Wedding Mini-Edition
Plus, more recaps on the horizon!
At last! As far as I can tell from the festivities at all the schools around my home, it’s now officially summer vacation, when a young woman’s fancy turns away from homework and responsibilities and toward — in my personal experience — reading library books in front of a window air conditioner and eating popsicles. Don’t get me wrong: I generally liked school. I was a good student and an extrovert, and, most importantly, a child during the pre-internet era where we had to get our gossip in person, and it was easiest to fulfill my Nosy Nancy needs at school. In fact, I always liked going back to school, both because I was usually getting sort of bored at home, and because I needed to find out what happened to everyone I knew well enough to hang out with at school but not well enough to call up on the phone and chill with during vacation. I’ll never forget coming back to start fifth grade and finding out that Julie M. had lost two toes in a freak barefoot bike accident! (She was pretty chill about it, in retrospect.) My mother let me be very free-range during the summer, which meant that I spent a lot of time lying around reading. Sometimes, this meant the National Enquirer over at my grandmother’s house but usually it was whatever I got out of the library or picked up at Walden Books, which my friend Jennifer1 and I walked to approximately three times a week, generally just to browse. When I think of those summer books, the first ones to pop into my head are the Sweet Valley High Super Editions.
Back in April, I waxed poetic about how much I loved a Special Summer Season of a TV series; this goes double for a Summer Edition of a book series. Yes, I was spending my summer in my bedroom with the blinds closed reading a book because it was 101 degrees out and I had an hour before Jennifer and I were supposed to go swimming, but I wanted to be reading about people having adventures at camp, or being lifeguards! Sweet Valley High Super Editions were much fatter than the normal Sweet Valley High books2 and they chronicled whatever wacky shenanigans identical blonde twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield got up to during their summer vacation, and spring and winter breaks. I didn’t bother with the winter break ones. I mean, I probably read them but they did not stick with me. I also skipped the ones where Jessica falls in love with a vampire or whatever (she would), or Elizabeth has to solve some dumb mystery, or where I’m expected to care about their mother Alice’s pilgrim ancestors or some shit.3 But ones where Jessica and Elizabeth took off for sunny climes during their warm-weather time off? PERFECT.
The mercury is rising around here and I am currently eating a popsicle. So there’s no better time than right now to rank the six Sweet Valley High Super Editions. Let me be clear: I have not read any of these since the late ‘80s, so these rankings are just as informed and official as this subject requires.
6. Super Edition #5: Winter Carnival. As noted, I do not fuck with the winter special editions. I do not care. I don’t care so much that I do not even think I read this one, even though the cover rings a faint bell and this synopsis sounds vaguely familiar in that I sort of remember Jessica “dying” in that car crash. But every SVH conflict is ultimately the same: Jessica is terrible, Elizabeth is passive-aggressive, and eventually they make up — and also those twins had a lot of brushes with vehicular trauma. Never forget the time Elizabeth cracked her head in a motorcycle crash and woke up slutty!
5. Super Edition #2: Special Christmas: Again, I’m not here to talk about Christmas. However, I definitely read this one, as I believe I’ve read every SVH in which the Wakefields’ Evil Beautiful Cousin Suzanne shows up to wreck absolute havoc, and I definitely remember the reveal in this book: that she has multiple sclerosis! Except she doesn’t actually have MS, she just has a Weird Kind of Mono. Whoops! I do not care about Winter Books but I DO care about books where people get diseases — especially ones I can then neurotically worry about getting myself, so this easily edges Winter Carnival.
4. Super Edition #1: A Perfect Summer: I cannot believe it but somehow I haven’t read this one. Even though the cover looks very familiar, I am sure I would remember a book that included a massive brushfire and Jessica being menaced by a black bear — especially given that this would have dovetailed perfectly with one of the other genres of books I loved to read as a young teen on summer vacation: books where people recount real life stories of surviving bear attacks. (I contain multitudes, okay?!) I also went through a period in my teens where I was obsessed with the idea of taking a Backroads bike tour through Europe and I would have enjoyed the bike tour aspect of this book. I honestly might buy this one. It really does seem to have everything! Sadly, I cannot rank it higher on this very official and important list due to not having read it at all.
3. Super Edition #4: Malibu Summer. I (a) definitely read, and (b) clearly remember this one. You’d think a book with this title would be fun and glamorous — like the SVH version of everyone on 90210 working at the beach club! — but instead the twins get jobs as au pairs and Elizabeth falls in love with a (boring) rock star with a stalker. If I wanted to read about babysitting, I would read The Babysitters Club Super Specials!4 As 1Bruce1 points out in the entry I’ve linked, this book is also weirdly short for a Super Edition; I wonder if this one was originally meant to be a standard-issue Sweet Valley High and they moved the story out of Sweet Valley and fifty miles up the coast to Malibu to make it a Super Edition. This book would rank lower, except I have read it and it does include a very cringe-y scene where Elizabeth gets serenaded by a famous pop star who is never mentioned again, so that has to count for something. There is also a tragic mudslide.
2. Super Edition #3: Spring Break: I loved this one as a youth primarily because I definitely wanted to go to the South of France on Spring Break and ride around on a moped, but also because it has a wild subplot where the otherwise VERY BORING Steven Wakefield, the twins’ older brother, falls in love with a French exchange student (do people Exchange Spring Breaks? I feel like no? That’s not important) because she looks exactly like his Tragically Dead Ex-Girlfriend Tricia Martin, a perfect angel who was also, gasp, poor5. Sixteen and Perfect Forever, a SVH recap site, points out that the Sweet Valley Universe has a LOT of identicals running around and while I agree this is technically a problem from an overarching plot point of view, Someone Boring Falling in Love With a Dead Ringer For His Tragic Late Ex6 scratches a lot of those Summer Break Pool Book itches. Bonus points for Jessica Wakefield almost dying again, this time in a French boat accident. Chic! (Jessica had a lot of brushes with death.)
1. Super Edition #6: Spring Fever. I sincerely loved this dumb book. The folks at Sixteen and Perfect Forever say it has not aged well, and I trust them, as they’ve read it much more recently than I have and yet! As a youth, I was transported by the idea of kicking around a small town in Kansas and hanging out with sexy cowboys and going to square dances and wearing denim jumpsuits or whatever. (Even though Jessica’s outfit on the cover is straight out of Hill House’s latest drop.) Please note, this is not what I believe happens in small-town Kansas currently, or even in 1987, but it is what the book believed. I mean, I don’t know! Maybe y’all ARE saving mean girls from runaway stallions and falling in love with mysterious carnival barkers who are pretending to be twins? If so, please do let me know. This sounds juicy — and, as I’ve mentioned, I do like hearing what people got up to on vacation.
— Jessica
Speaking Of What People Got Up To On Vacation
Naomi Watts and Billy Crudup got married last summer at a courthouse, but I guess they decided THIS summer they should do it up in Mexico, so over the weekend they got hitched again with their family and celebrity pals. Nobody seems to have gotten the exclusive on this; Vogue spent that time covering the Duke of Westminster’s nuptials, and People and the Daily Mail cobbled together their coverage from the Instagram posts from Naomi’s brother Ben, Naomi’s wedding planner, and one other anonymous source that could well be either of them:
"They had a beautiful ceremony last year, but really wanted to celebrate their one-year anniversary with more friends," the source said. "The vow renewal in Mexico was perfect. It was all beautiful and special."
"After being married for a year, Naomi and Billy still act like newlyweds. They are so cute together, and Naomi is very happy," the source added.
I wonder why they decided the one-year mark was IT. Maybe they figured that, much like New York itself, if they can make it there, they can make it anywhere? Anyway, I can’t say I’m terribly surprised that Naomi and Billy didn’t rustle up a whole coverage situation for this, as they both seem like low-key people. I’ll cobble together for you what I can.
The Groom: Actor Billy Crudup, Emmy winner (The Morning Show), four-time Tony nominee/one-time winner (The Coast of Utopia), and Blockbuster Entertainment Award AND MTV Movie + TV Award for Best Line from a Movie winner (Almost Famous). You might, in your head, occasionally confuse his resume with that of Jim Caviezel, for no apparent reason. You also probably remember that time Billy dated Mary Louise Parker forever and then, when she was 7 months pregnant, left her for Claire Danes. That one’s hard to forget.
The Bride: Naomi Watts, technically a British actress because she was born there, even though Australia definitely lays claim to her (she moved there when she was 14, and WOW, the Early Life section of her Wikipedia is thick). You probably know her from being the best part of everything she’s in, like Capote vs. The Swans and that truly wackadoo recent Twin Peaks reawakening — although if you live in Anglesey, Wales, you may primarily think of her as the honorary president of the Glantraeth F.C. football club. Where is THAT documentary, I ask you.
The Dress: Ben Watts was very generous with his videography but did not tag it with brand names because I guess this wedding was about FEELINGS for him and not about FASHION CREDITS. IMAGINE. Luckily Dior had no such compunctions, and sent out a release claiming credit and — delightfully! — supplying a photo:
Dior called it a “white embroidered tulle dress with white iridescent pearls.” It’s hard to see very much nuance in this photo, sadly. Here’s Ben’s video of everyone getting into an elevator, which was for a long time the only look we had a this, and which affords us a peek at the bridesmaids:
The gown is simple and pretty and looks stellar with the flowers, and that one child looks TERRIBLY BORED with being asked to ham it up for the camera. Page Six also combed through Ben’s stories and got a screenshot of Naomi giving a speech in an orange-and-grey dress that is actually a floral pattern of some kind, but more closely resembles a laundry mishap. But Billy is BEAMING at her — they both look so happy. Naomi also looked very poolside-chic in a bright romper, hat, and sunnies, and then I managed to get this screenshot of her in an enviably colorful separates situation:
The Location: I can’t TELL. The event planner shared moody black-and-whites of the ceremony setup and the dinner, and he also seemed to be Instagramming from The Four Seasons; the above photo was definitely taken somewhere in this expansive courtyard. But I can’t tell if the party itself was there, because the website doesn’t want to show me whether they have any event spaces there that match the floor impressive Gothic arches that are on clear display in Gina Gershon’s photo:
My Google skills underperformed in ascertaining if that’s the Four Seasons or someplace else — and after a while, my desire to be a good reporter and a human Informative Caption clashed with my fear that I was acting like a crazy stalker, so I gave up. And, as an addendum to the clothing section: Looks like the bride changed into something lacy. It’s POSSIBLE that is the same dress she wore to the courthouse?
The Guests: Billy’s aforementioned 20-year old son with MLP, and Naomi’s kids with Liev Schreiber, though he did not seem to be there. Nor was MLP; I’m sure they coparent very well and that they have put the past away, though that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t also rather drink bleach than go to his wedding. We’ll never know. Gina Gershon clearly also was in the building, and presumably not by accident. Justin Theroux and his ladyfriend attended, and a since-expired Instagram story from Ben Watts reportedly showed Nicole Kidman there in a sparkly silver something-or-other.
Aussie actress Isla Fisher ALSO got a shot of Nicole from a day earlier:
And Isla’s Instagram gave me my next clues. She posted two photos from the weekend with Sunrise Coigney, wife of Mark Ruffalo, so I hopped on over to Sunrise’s Instagram and found pictures — from the same time period and SURELY therefore also from the party — with a) Kelly Turlington Burns, the sister of Christy who, true fact, ALSO happened to marry a dude with the last name Burns; and b) Sophie Flack, the author and jewelry designer who is married to Josh Charles. I did not see Josh or Mark Ruffalo in the pics, so who knows if THEY went; maybe, in solidarity with Isla (who is splitting up with Sacha Baron Cohen), they made it a girls’ weekend situation.
The whole thing looked like a really fun party, and maybe that’s also because it wasn’t quite so Made for the Paparazzi. No payola, no helicopters circling, no long lenses; just happy pics and big smiles, often a little blurry, but not from filters. It was luxe but sensible, somehow. Good for them for making it a challenge to follow this trail.
— Heather
Programming notes!
Get out your calendars! We are thinking we’ll recap The Bear’s third season, which drops all 10 episodes on Hulu on June 27. That’d overlap for two weeks with Bridgerton, which is the downside in terms of the volume of emails paid subscribers will get from us, but hopefully you can just delete what you don’t want (we’ll never know!). If you’re into that — and let us know! — we’d likely drop The Bear weekly and in two-episode parcels. And then, when Only Murders In The Building returns on August 27, we’re planning to cover that one too. We’re also probably going to recap Emily in Paris, which returns August 15, which may create ANOTHER overlap situation — but, both so juicy, for different reasons. It’s irresistible. Lots of TV coverage coming for Ye Olde Paids, if you want in! Come on! It’s going to be fun.
Last Call:
— I hate to link to TMZ, but they’re reporting that Sam Asghari has a gag order on him during The Traitors, and can’t say anything at ALL, negative OR positive, about Britney Spears. I hope this is true, and also kinda punishes them for trying to capitalize on that in any way? I just really hated that casting. — H
— Please enjoy the greatest sentences ever written: “Hugh Jackman, Emma Thompson, Nicholas Braun, Nicholas Galitzine, Molly Gordon and Hong Chau will star in ‘THREE BAGS FULL: A SHEEP DETECTIVE MOVIE.’ It is about a shepherd who reads a murder mystery story to his sheep every night, until he is found dead & the sheep must find out who killed him." It is based on a book whose lead sleuth is a sheep named Miss Maple (!), and it’s being adapted by Craig Mazin of Chernobyl and The Last of Us… but also of 1997 monkey-in-space movie RocketMan, so he clearly understands the inner lives of animals. It’s reportedly live-action, so probably a cousin to Babe, right? I am delighted. — H
— YAY, Severance is coming back and we’ve finally gotten a first look at the new season. I’d say “spoiler” but truly this photo gives us nothing! There are balloons, so possibly Lumon is having a Balloon Party? Regardless, I can’t wait. (And I’m excited to see how weird it feels to be reunited with Adam Scott in this role after just having rewatched all of Parks and Recreation.) — J
— Big news: Andrew Lloyd Webber has completed a new musical, news he released in the course of this very long but quite interesting piece in the Telegraph about the revival of Starlight Express, which sounds absolutely over-the-top and which I want to see. (I never got around to that one.) He gives NO details about it. The folks at the Broadway subreddit were cracking that it’s a Phantom prequel, but let’s be real: I would absolutely see that. There is no way it’s worse than Love Never Dies7! —J
Everyone my age either has a friend Jennifer, or is someone’s friend Jennifer, just FYI.
I hope I don’t have to explain what these are, but just in case: This is a very very long series of YA books, mostly published in the 80s and 90s, about the adventures of identical blonde twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield. Jessica is the bitchy one and Elizabeth is the nice one; amusingly to me, my own sister is named Elizabeth and I am bitchier than she is.
I love a period piece but spending time with Alice Wakefield just makes me feel like I’m watching that first season episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where we have to go to the garden center with Cindy Walsh and watch as she considers cheating on Jim because he’s working so much: WHO CARES. (Although, in fairness, the first of these sounds BEYOND BONKERS and also I suspect I would have enjoyed it if I’d read it as a teenager.)
I absolutely read the one where Tricia dies — she ghosted him because she was TRAGICALLY ILL and she didn’t want him to GRIEVE HER, but he couldn’t stop fighting for her, all of which Teen Heather thought was the height of romance because Teen Heather didn’t stop to think that in this story one of them literally does DIE and also that he should respect her boundaries. Maybe I should reread these. — H
Also this just happened on 911. For real. Mostly as an excuse to get Ryan Guzman’s son off the show, I think, but still. — H
LOVE DOES DIE, SWEET VALLEY HIGH SAID SO. —H
100% down with recapping The Bear, a drama. :) Would love to hear your takes.
Just a gentle request. The Bear is triggering for a lot of people in the restaurant world. Many of my industry friends and especially recovering industry friends don’t watch it because it brings back unhappy kitchen memories. So, keep that in mind as you recap.